Do you know why dark is written with “k” and not with “c”?
Because you can't see in the dark
Why did the ram go over the cliff?
Because he didn't see the ewe turn.
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
Did you hear about the soldier who drank on the job?
He got tanked
Joker to Batman: “Hey Batman, wanna hear a joke?”
"Yeah sure." Joker: "Ok, parental love". Batman: "I don't get it.." "exactly."
I watched a great documentary on beavers this weekend.
Best dam thing I’ve watched in a while.
What do you call the bad side of Italy?
The spaghetto
I had 4 cans of alphabet soup this morning…
Now I'm having a huge vowel movement.
It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub. It’s a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering
A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.
Student, "Sir, do you really know everything about this subject?" Professor, "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?" Student, "OK. So I'd like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A". Professor, "Hmmmm, alright. So what's the question?" Student, "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?" The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased. The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can't get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer, "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? " To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands. "All right," says the professor and asks his favorite student to answer. "It's quite easy, sir" says the student "You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an "A", which is neither legal, nor logical."
How does virgin olive oil become extra virgin olive oil?
After getting dating advice from a Redditor.
Just so everybody’s clear,
I'm going to put my glasses on.
People always say that the Romans didn’t handle the whole Jesus situation very well
I think they nailed it.
What has 4 letters, sometimes 9 letters, but never has 5 letters. By the way…
…that was not a question.
Reddit should rename ‘share’ to ‘spreddit’, ‘delete’ to ‘shreddit’ and ‘karma’ to ‘creddit’.
Yet they haven't. I don't geddit.
I proposed to my ex-wife.
But she said no. She believes I’m just after my money.
I love the way the earth rotates
It really makes my day.
I cut down a Christmas tree today. My wife asked me if I was going to put it up myself.
I said: “Of course not. I was going to put it up in the living room.”
Endgame Joke
At the end of the film, Tony Says "I am Ironman" The line should have been "Hi Inevitable, I'm Dad"
I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.
If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
The Mechanical engineer says "It's a broken starter". The Electrical engineer says "Dead battery". The Chemical engineer says "Impurities in the gasoline". The IT engineer says "Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in".
A nice change of pace from all the other times I’ve been fucked because of assembly
https://ift.tt/2X1nWIu
A woman in labor suddenly shouted: Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didnt! Can’t!
"Dont worry" said the docter,"Those are just contractions"
I don’t understand my wife, once a month she loses her temper at me.
I think it's just a bloody ovaryaction.
Did you know autocorrect was invented by an atheist?
He's going to he'll.