Do you know why programers prefer dark mode?
Because light attracts bugs.
If we make it past 2020, I’ll be dreading 2022.
After all, 2022 is 2020, too!
I need to get a new chess set because all my pawns are damaged and sticky.
I should have never left them in the same box as the bishops.
6 was afraid of 7 because 7 8 9. But why did 7 eat 9?
It heard you were supposed to have three squared meals a day.
I was just attacked by a man with a rack of spices!
It was a salt and peppery.
A horse walks into a bar. The bar tender says “Hey.”
The horse says "Sure."
People are making apocalypse jokes
like there's no tomorrow.
I too, was once a male trapped in a female’s body….
But then I was born.
Have you ever tried eating a clock?
It's really time consuming. Especially if you go for seconds.
Why do pirates love reddit?
It be the best place to exchange stolen content for gold.
Men think about sex every 7 seconds…
Which is why I eat hotdogs in under 6 seconds… So it doesn't get weird.
We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.
Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her. I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
Because if it was served warm it would be Justwater
If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep…
That'll give you a reason to get up in the morning
A vulture carrying two dead raccoons tries to board an airplane…
The stewardess stops him and says "I'm sorry sir, you're only one carrion per passenger!"
A woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap.
"Because he used to live in a brothel," says the shopkeeper. She pays $15. When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laugh too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"
Just got married, the wedding was so beautiful and emotional!
Even the cake was in tiers!
An elderly, forgetful couple . . .
A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. So during a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen ?' he asks. 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' 'Sure.' 'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks. 'No, I can remember it.' 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?' He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.' 'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?', she asks. Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!' Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast?'
What do you call the argument between two vegans?
A plant-based beef. P.S. [This is my first joke, pls don't judge too harshly]
My son, starting a conversation: You know, Dad…
Me: Of course I know him. He's me.
My roommate tried to keep two crows in our apartment as pets.
The cops arrested him for attempted murder.
What do you call a smart-ass prisoner falling down the stairs ?
A condescending con descending.
Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar…
and are followed by 'Batman!'
NSFW
I bought a safe for my home
I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg.
I said to him, “I bet I know what your favorite Christian festival is.” He said, “Have to love Easter, baby.”
Me- “Do you know in middle east most of married girls can’t even vote on Facebook opinion poll”.
Friend- "That's not true, there is no such law anywhere in middle east". Me- "Yeah, but you need to be above 13 to use Facebook".
People who don’t eat gluten…
… are really going against the grain.
Did you know if you break a mirror you get more mirrors?
Let us reflect on this
The furniture store keeps calling…
All I wanted was one nightstand.
When I was a single man, I had a lot of free time.
Now that I listen to full albums, I hardly leave the house.