Do you know why the U.S. Navy always keeps at least two canaries on board each of their submarines?
Because everyone knows that if you have a big sub you also need a good set of tweeters.
What do Microsoft Excel users put in their hair?
SUMPRODUCT()
I saw a homeless guy on the streets and I had 50 bucks on me…
I thought, āThisāll be wasted on drugs and booze.ā So I just gave it to the homeless guy.
What kind of music does a balloon liseten to?
Pop! Also this is my first joke, so sorry if someone has made it before but I haven't seen it yet
Two different doctors worked together on my knee surgery
It was a joint operation
One day left.
My father was ill and the doctor said he had only one day left to live. I was truly sad and was walking outside when I saw a wishing well. Taking my chances I threw in a quarter and wished his life would be extended. A r/jokes mod genie appeared out of the well and said " I hear your wish my son, and for everyday there is a new, fresh joke posted on r/jokes, your father will be granted another full week of life." His funeral is this Saturday.
Doctor : You’ve got a problem in your eyes
Dad : Oh i see Doctor : No you can't
Why couldnāt the Mexican archer use his bow?
He didnāt habanero.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician walk into an office to discover the trash can is on fire.
The physicist announces "We must put the garbage can in the fridge so that the temperature will be below the ignition temperature and therefore put itself out!" The chemist replies "No, we must cover the garbage can so that the fire consumes all of the oxygen and, in the absence of reactants, can no longer continue!" Meanwhile, the two turn around to find that the statistician is running around the room setting everything else on fire. "What the hell are you doing??" "Getting a proper sample size!"
Why do Native Americans hate April?
Because April showers bring May Flowers, and Mayflowers bring white people.
My grandpa just told me that he loves how reliable his fingers are and is really attached to them…
Says he has always been able to count on them.
This Halloween I was planning to go as a band aid, but decided against it.
Itās really hard to pull off.
There were three guys in an airplane. One guy dropped a rock, another dropped a brick, and the last dropped a grenade.
When they got back on the ground they were walking down the street and they saw a woman crying. Being the gentlemen they are they went up to ask her why she was crying she said: "A rock fell from the sky, landed on my cat and now my cat is dead." The men said they were very sorry to hear that and walked away. The next house they came across a little further down the road there was another woman crying. Being the gentlemen they are they walk up to her and asked her why she was crying she said: "A brick fell from the sky, landed on my dog, and now my dog is dead." The men said they were very sorry to hear that and walked away. The next house they came across a little further down the road there was a man laughing his head off. Wondering what was so funny they went up to ask him. After they asked him he replied, "I bent over to get the newspaper this morning, I farted and my whole house blew up!"
People with diarrhoea are easy-going…
No text found
Chubby Karen unable to pray Covid-19 away. Unfortunately, Lots of them to go.
https://ift.tt/39SbQEm
If your iPhone runs out of charge…
Does that mean you are out of apple juice?
My neighbors cows were stolen last night
He beefed up his security
How much does it cost a pirate to get their ears pierced?
A buck an ear.
BJ for Sore Throat
"You don't look so good today, Bambi," said Barbie. "You're right," said Bambi. "I feel like I'm coming down with something. My throat really hurts." Barbie suggested, "You know, whenever I have a sore throat I give my husband oral sex and the next day I feel great." Bambi carefully considered this. The next day Barbie noticed that Bambi looked better. "You look much better today. Did you take my suggestion?" Bambi replied, "I sure did. It worked great. And your husband just couldn't believe that it was your idea!"
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius
But his brother Frank was a monster!
What did the nut say when he was chasing the other nut?
Iām a CASHEW!
My fish just ate another one of my fishes but itās just hanging out of his mouth
https://ift.tt/2G2jC26
I found out why nurses carry red crayons
In case they have to draw blood.
Apparently you can’t use beefstew as a password…
It's not stroganoff.
A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender says, āthatāll be a dollarā
The guy thinks, āman, thatās cheap,ā but the beer was delicious. So he finishes his beer and decides to take a chance. āBartender, Iāll have your finest wineā bartender goes through a long process of showing the bottle. Opening it. Aerating the wine. Pouring it into nice a nice glass and says. āThatāll be 50 centsā. The guy canāt believe it. So he thinks 'fuck it ' and says āIāll have a whole bottle of your best scotch ā. The bartender hands it to him and says āhere. On the houseā. Curiosity finally gets the better of the guy. He asks āok. Whereās the ownerā bartender replies āupstairs with my wifeā. The guy asks āwhatās he doing upstairs with your wife?ā And the bartender looks the man in the eye and replies āsame thing Iām doing to his businessā…
I have sex with my wife almost everyday!
Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday…
its a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub and a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house
The difference is staggering
I am convinced that my wife is secretly adding glue to my weapons collection.
She keeps denying it, but Iām sticking to my guns.
Three men were sitting together bragging..
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties The first man had married an Indian girl, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning. He said it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were done. The second man had married a Chinese girl. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. On the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table. The third man had married an Italian girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.
I asked my son to take 9 from 8, to which he replied āminus oneā, I said…
āYours is one what?ā
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know Iām not a serial killer?
I replied the chances of two serial killers being in the same car are astronomical.
When does a joke become a Dad joke?
When the punch line becomes apparent. My kids hate this one and I can't stop laughing at it…
Three Old men reminiscing in a nursing home…….
……..complaining about their biggest regrets on getting old. The first old man said "I'd give anything to take a good piss like I did when I was young. Every morning I get up it takes me 5 minutes to take a piss, and then it's only a small dribble." The second old man said "I'd give anything to take a good shit like I did when I was young. Every morning I sit on the stool and strain and strain until I can finally get something out." The third old man said "Well, every morning at 5 I take me a really long piss. Then at 6 on the dot I take a really big shit." The other two old men look at him and say "So what the hell are you complaining about?" The third old man says "I don't wake up until 7".
When you die, which body part dies last?
The pupils, they dilate.
How do you think the unthinkable?
With an itheberg.
I went to the doctors with hearing problems. He said, Can you describe the symptoms?
I said yeah, Homers a bald fat dude that drinks Duff and Marge has blue hair
6 was scared of 7 because 7, 8, 9, but why did 7 eat 9?
Because youāre supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day..