Do you like to make up puns and type them so they appear on a 1080p screen?
Why is your nose in the middle of your face ?
Because it's the scenter
I got my dad a refrigerator for Christmas
I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it!
The only thing that Flat-Earthers fear.
Is sphere itself.
I was out shopping tonight, when I saw a new brand of condoms called, “Olympic.” Trying to get in to the spirit of things, I bought a pack and when I got home, I sprinted in singing the Olympic theme song and proudly showed them to my wife…
"Olympic condoms!?" she asked. "What makes them so special? Are we only going to use them once every four years?!" Chuckling, I replied, "No,no! You see, there are three colors, Gold, Silver and Bronze!" "What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asked cheekily. "Gold of course!" I said proudly. She retorted, "Really?! Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!"
What makes cars look faster?
No text found
A whole juicy story
less humor, more trying to spread info.
Someone accused me of plagiarism….
That's their words, not mine.
My wife showed me a meme post on Instagram
I told her I already Reddit.
Gotta own the libs
Yahoo’s consecutive bad decisions.
God notices heaven is getting a bit crowded
God notices heaven is getting a bit crowded So he sits down with St Peter and says “Look, too many people are getting in. As of tomorrow at 12pm, no one is getting in unless they’ve had a really bad day” Peter nods, and the next day he sits down at the pearly gates when a man arrives “Hi sir, welcome to heaven, hey new rules… you’re not allowed in unless you’ve had like a really bad day” The man doesn’t pause before screaming: “Bad day? A bad day! Let me tell you about my day. I have suspected my wife of cheating on me for a year now and I decided to come home at lunch and catch her in the act. So I go up to my apartment on the 10th floor and I nearly bust straight in. Anyway she’s lying on the couch, naked and screaming at me! I can’t find the guy anywhere, until I go outside on the balcony and there’s this guy, naked, holding on to the balcony floor. And he’s screaming at me too! Well next thing I go into this rage… I just stomp on his hands and he falls the ten storeys. But at the bottom these branches break his fall, and he starts to get up! He’s alive! So I grab the nearest thing, our fridge, and I haul it out onto the edge of the balcony and lever t over the railing, sending it right at him. I don’t know what happened next though cause I gave myself a heart attack while doing it!” Peter nods “wow yeah that is rough. In ya come”. The next guy in line walks up, naked “Hey so yeah, new rules, you have to have had a bad day to get in” “Well let me tell ya. I was home sick from work and I just got out of the shower. Anyway I walked out onto my balcony of my fifteen floor apartment to get some fresh air. A gust of wind whipped my towel off and I reached out to grab it… but I ended up falling over the edge! Luckily I managed to turn mid-air and grab onto this balcony. So I am hanging there, screaming for someone to help me when this god damn mad man comes running out and starts stamping on my fingers! I then fall ten storeys, but I’m saved! All these branches in these trees at the bottom slowly break my fall. I was just getting my bearings when I look up and a fridge is flying at my face” Peter nods… perplexed… “wow. Yeah. Okay. That sounds rough, in ya go… next” This other guy walks up, and Peter says “same as the last two, you’ve had to have had a bad day to get in” The guy looks at him and goes “Okay. So imagine this. You’re naked inside a fridge”
One million HTML programmers
i got your back grandma
I don’t even get the “message”
For Valentines Day, I decided to get my wife some beads for an abacus.
It’s the little things that count.
A reminder of how Lindsey got the vapors.
There’s no way video games cause violence.
If they did, school shootings would involve a LOT more tea bagging.
What fruit likes to go down slides?
5/20/20 – McConnell vows end to enhanced COVID-19 unemployment benefits
I saw a theatre production about puns recently
It was a play on words
We’re agile now because Jira
Email my dad sent me, how do I tell him?
I’ve squirted an entire bottle of No More Tears in my baby’s face… …
and she's still crying. Parenting is hard
What do pedophile vampires do to relax?
Crack open a boy with the cold ones.
Boomers dint even fight in WW2
This is somehow worse than the blood Christmas trees
Voting vs. Dying
OKAY THEN, JESUS CHRIST???
Comp sci Homework at its best
A dyslexic man walks into a bra…
No text found
High school teachers
How do you spot a blind man at a nudist beach?
It's not hard
Have you heard about the blind cyclops brothers?
Neither have eye
Would have been better if she ripped it before he had a chance to read it
What’s the difference between a hooker and jesus?
The look on their face when you're nailing them.
Dad – Hey, do you want to come over for a movie? I have already invited 17 people.
Me- Sure, but why so many people? Dad- The DVD says it is only for 18+ viewers.
My mirror is really enjoying quarantine.
It has a lot time to reflect.
Someone accidentally mailed me 10 lbs of pot yesterday. So I did the right thing and called the cops.
They just came by and picked up all 4 pounds.
I’m going through a lot right now
I cant seem to find a parking spot
Happens to most of us
Don’t buy anything with Velcro on it.
It’s a total rip-off!
H20 be there
At last…….I have managed to find my wife’s ‘G’ spot….
….who would have thought her sister had it the whole time
What’s the difference between a Monk and a Rogue?
A Rogue will pick the lock. A Monk will just use their Ki.
BuT wHaT aBoUt CiViLiTy
An Irish girl tells her mother that she decided to become a prostitute.
Mom: You want to be a WHAT? Daughter: Prostitute. Mom: Oh thank God. I thought you said Protestant.
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." (You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.) "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." (Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirm uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.) "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." (All the men sighed with unified relief.) The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man slowly stood up and walked just as slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife — the word is sternum."
What is heck?
It’s where you go if you don’t believe in gosh.
Safety glasses make everything ok
The cost of oli
My son came up to me today
My son came up to me and said, “can I have a bookmark?” I started crying, 10 years and he still doesn’t know my name is brad.
“Meme the periodic table” starter pack
Python be like: Where’s my Zero!!!
Relevant then, relevant now!
Found on im14andthisisdeep, but it looks like more of a boomer thing
New year new me
A weasel goes to the bar
One day, a young weasel went to the bar. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are under-aged. I can’t serve you beer.” The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.” “Pop!” goes the weasel.
I went to a zoo that only had a dog in it.
It was a shih tzu
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent