Do you think a bodybuilder’s jeans are also ripped
Why did the pilot blush?
Because he saw the airstrip
My friend Jay recently had twins, and wanted to name them after him.
So I suggested Kay and Elle.
A blind man goes into a restaurant…
A blind man goes into a restaurant and sits down at a table. He orders something to drink and says to the waiter "Do you want to hear a blonde joke?"The waiter replies, "Well, actually sir, I am a blonde. And there is a man just over at the bar who is an ex-con with a violent streak and he is a blonde. Also we just seated a body builder who has a temper problem, he is blonde as well. So, I don't know, do you want to tell the joke?"The blind man says, "Well, no not if I have to explain it three times!"
What’s a decent Asian stereotype?
I like Sony and Yamaha.
My dad always said, ā Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.ā
āShe knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.ā
My son cheated on his physics test, and has no idea how much trouble he is in.
He doesnāt understand the gravity of the situation.
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
We donāt sell to blondes
A blonde walks past a shop as she reads the sign āwe donāt sell to blondesā in the window. She goes in to her investigate the situation. To test the sign she asks the salesman āexcuse me, Iād like to buy this TVā And the salesman responds āIām sorry maāam we donāt sell to blondesā Shocked the woman leaves and returns later in the day now having changed her hair colour to brunette. Once again she asks the salesman āexcuse me, Iād like to buy this TVā To which she is met with the same response āIām sorry maāam we donāt sell to blondesā She begins to get irritated and heads out to get a new outfit- returning the next day in different clothes, with ginger hair, and a new haircut. She then proceeds to ask the salesman āexcuse me, Iād like to buy this TVā To which he responds āsorry maāam we donāt sell to blondesā Now she is FURIOUS and heads out to plan the perfect deception. She once again changes her hair colour to black, gets a new haircut, changes her outfit, and even gets plastic surgery to look completely different in an attempt to buy from this shop. She returns having looked nothing like she did the previous days and once again asks the salesman āexcuse me, Iād like to buy this TVā To which he once again responds āsorry maāam we donāt sell to blondesā She lashes out screaming at the man āHOW ON EARTH DO YOU KNOW IāM A BLONDE I LOOK NOTHING LIKE I DID WHEN I FIRST CAME IN HEREā āBecause thatās a microwaveā he says.
I just found out cock fighting is done with chickens.
Months of training wasted.
How can you tell when a vampire’s sick ?
Because of the coffin.
Fire is destroying a world famous landmark in Paris right now.
And thereās notre dame thing they can do about it.
Electrician gets home late…
Electrician didn't get home until after 2am. His wife asked "Wire you insulate?" He replied, "Watts it to you, I'm ohm, aren't I?"
When you die, which body part dies last?
The pupils, they dilate.
…
My life…
Who delivers Christmas gifts to lobsters?
Santa Claws
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can't carry it by myself
I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open.
She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the backdoor." Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that everyday.
Why are fish the easiest animals to weigh?
Because they come with their own scales.
Whatās the difference between a dirty bus stop and a crab with massive boobs?
One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean!
father: how are your grades son?
š· son: underwater, dad father: underwater? what do you mean? son: they're below C level
All the girls in a classroom were upset by Little Eddy!
After months of enduring his foul language and sexual innuendoes in class, the girls decide to walk out of the class in protest in case Eddy says anything sexual or offensive. Class starts and the teacher says: "OK kids, today's subject will be buildings and construction. Who can tell me how buildings are made?" The class remains quiet, then little Eddy raises his hand and says "Madam, I know". The teacher says, "OK Eddy, please explain." Eddy: "Well, first before anything you need a permit from the city for the construction project to begin, that could take months. Once you get the permit, then come the bulldozers to basically dig into the earth to create the foundation. Then, cement is poured into the foundation and pylons are inserted. Around the pylons, the outer structure of the building is made, floors, walls, ceilings.Then comes wiring and plumbing. Next drywall can be installed along with flooring and fixtures. When all is said and done, you still have to get an occupancy permit from the city before you can actually use the building. The class remains quiet. The teacher says: WOW Eddy! Bravo, that was amazing, how did you learn all that? Eddy: For the past many months, just a few doors down from our house, they have been building what I think is a huge whore house, I've watched the whole thing from start to finish. At that moment, all the girls suddenly get up and start to walk out. Eddy looks around and says: Woah woah woah, girls sit down, they are still waiting for the permit!
A voice at the back of my head keeps telling me…
..that the doctors really screwed up my mouth surgery.
I have just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman. It’s very rewarding, but quite challenging.
Took me ages to get her husband's voice right.
Why did Stalin only write in lowercase?
He was afraid of capitalism!
Whats the opposite of minimum?
maxidad
A guy walks into a bar, sits at a table and orders a beer.
He then proceeds to pull out hundreds of pink valentine's day cards, write inside them and stamp them with "Love" stamps. He then pulls out a bottle of expensive perfume and spritzes each envelope. The bartender finally can't contain his curiosity and approaches the man. "You must have 500 or more cards there," the bartender says. "I've got to admit I'm curious what you're doing." "Oh, every year at Valentine's Day I send out 500 cards, each one signed 'Guess Who?'" the guy says. "But why?" the bartender asks. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the guy replies.
What did one toilet say to the other toilet?
You look a bit flushed.
If you think Thursdays are depressing, wait two days.
It will be a sadder day.
How warm is a baby just before their birth?
Womb temperature
Getting hit on by a hot gay guy is like finding a million pesos
I canāt do anything with this now, but if I ever cross that line Iām all set
My IQ test result just came in and Iām really relieved…
Thank God it came back negative…
