Do you wanna know why people with shell fish allergies can’t be body builders?
Because they can’t have mussels.
Why aren’t all oceans one depth?
They’re inconsistent seas.
The doctors said that my blood was type-A
But that was a type-O
A genie asked, “What’s your first wish?” Steve answered, “I wish I was rich!” And the genie said…
"What’s your second wish, Rich?"
![[NSFW] Triple D Boobs](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/06/sID9hHy-400x659.jpg)
My book on clocks finally arrived
It’s about time!
Facebook is set to release its own webmail client…
…emails will be flagged as "Mark has read"
What did the burglar say after detonating a bomb inside Fort Knox?
Edit: Wow! This blew up! Thanks for the gold!
What do you call an alien with three balls?
An extrateressticle
What do you call a 45 Cents concert?
50 Cents featuring Nickel back
What does a cardiologist like for dinner?
Doesn’t matter, as long as it’s hearty.
How do you check if a sniper loves you?
He misses you.
Wife was cleaning 12 year old son’s bedroom
When she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what do we do?" Husband says "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't fucking spank him."
Why will Congress never impeach Trump?
Because Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.
I had a pet newt once, I called him Tiny
Because he was my newt
What do you call a popsicle that’s filled with holes?
A Popesicle! Get it? Because it's holy. My kids didn't get it either…
My wife wanted a robot vacuum for Christmas, so I got a cheap knock-off made in Mexico..
It’s called Aye Caroomba.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses inside him
The doctor described his condition as stable!
The argument
So a guy calls the front desk of the hotel he's staying at and says, "I'm in room 858. You need to send someone to my room immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window." The front clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that sounds like a personal issue." And the guy says, "No, it's a maintenance issue. The window won't open."
My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before.
I replied, "Yes just once." The doctor asked, "What was it like?" I said, "It was dark, then suddenly very bright."
A man attempted to kill me in my own house last night…
Luckily I was in my living room.
I just found out my girlfriend just gave me an STD….
Looks like I’m gonorrhea-valuate the relationship
I bought some sneakers from my drug dealer
I’m not sure what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
If pigs could fly…
I bet their wings would taste delicious!
What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney. The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable." "I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?" The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead." Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye." The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet." Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye." Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous. "Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between." The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he ends up urinating all over the auditor's desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. "Are you okay?" the auditor asks. "Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!"
Why did Barbie never get pregnant?
Because Ken came in a different box
How long is a Chinese name.
It really is.
They’re banning phones in my school, my teacher was laughing her ass off at this
https://ift.tt/2TTqdCz
What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter?
An Irrelephant.
Your penis so small….
That when you put it in a girl her immune system tries to fight it.
What do interstates eat their peanut butter with?
Traffic jam!
The best argument against democracy is a five minute conversation with the average voter.
https://ift.tt/2MoevNG
I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture…
But when I got home, the tables were turned…
I am convinced that my wife is secretly adding glue to my weapons collection.
She keeps denying it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
I have a horse named Mayo
Mayo Neighs ..
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck..
and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced, he decides to grant them one wish each before they enter paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps his fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous, too." Another snap of his fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his ass off. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again."
My daughter lost her first tooth today
I bet she won't touch my X- box again !
I’ve just been diagnosed as color blind
It really came out of the purple
