Doc : Sir, I am afraid that your DNA is backwards
Me : and?
My girlfriend has the weirdest way to start a conversation with me..
„Were you even listening to me?!“
Why can’t Woody play his guitar?
He doesn't know where his Pixar.
What’s the difference between an old bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?
One’s a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
Do you want to hear a mean joke?
A physicist, an engineer and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They see a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance to the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, he fires but misses five feet to the left. The engineer says he forgot to account for the wind, takes the rifle, aims and misses five feet to the right. The statistician claps and says "we got him!".
What do you call a group of 8 rabbits?
A rabbyte.
The urge to sing ‘the lion sleeps tonight’
Is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away
I just took off my backpack after my very last college final.
Boy, was that a weight off my shoulders. Edit: I actually am finally about to graduate, so I’m happy even if you don’t like my joke!
Calculate your next travel destination for 2020. Guaranteed to be 100% accurate
https://ift.tt/2Y6EHCK
What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland?
Well, the flag is a big plus.
To the man who stole my camouflage jacket in the wheelchair
You can hide but you can’t run
To the person who stole my coffee, my lamp and my parrot
I don’t know how you sleep at night
![The Invisible Man [OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/74snu9ek96b41-1-400x433.png)
This is the 2nd day in a row when google AI has gone insane
This is the 2nd day in a row when google AI has gone insane
Her: I’m pregnant.
Me: Are you kidding?? Her: Technically, Yes.
What’s the difference between your Wife and your Job?
Well, after 10 years your Job still sucks.
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He’d have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community…
If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave. The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate. On the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger. Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The Rabbi pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy! Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened. The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.' 'Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.' 'Finally, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.' 'He bested me at every move and I could not continue!' Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had won. 'I don't have a clue!!!' the Rabbi said. 'First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.' Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, so I told him that we were staying right here. 'And then what?' asked a woman. 'Who knows…' said the Rabbi. 'He took out his lunch, so I took out mine!'
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
No text found
The only thing flat-earthers have to fear…
Is sphere itself
Did you hear about the premature ejaculator that is training to become a ninja?
Guys a natural, comes out of nowhere.
What do you call cold Mexican food?
Chillychangas
I went to the local Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting last night
but all the seats were taken.
The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her
I said no thanks, I can't handle high maintenance women
Because of my dyslexia, sometimes I get lost when I use public transportation.
Oops sorry. Wrong bus.
What does Yoda call a shape with three sides?
A do-or-do-not-angle. There is no try-angle.
Damn girl, are you a piñata?
Cause imma need a blindfold to hit that.
My wife laughed when I said I had the body of a 20 year old
Then she looked in the freezer
As an immigration officer, I may not always agree with your point of view..
But I can see where you are coming from.
Why do stormtroopers only have iPhones?
They couldn’t find the Androids they were looking for.
Why did the electrician support LGBTQ people a lot?
Because he had a lot of trans sisters
I recently failed my Medical College entrance exam because of nerves.
The correct answer was blood vessels.
A kid asks his mom “Mom? What is dark Humor?”
She responds: “see that man over there with no arms? Tell him to clap.” The kid replies: “but mom, I’m blind!” Mom: “Exactly.”
A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son’s house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room. "What are you doing?!", she asked. "I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work", the daughter-in-law answered. "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. "This is my love dress", the daughter-in-law explained. "Love dress? But you're naked!" "Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress", she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me". The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress," she whispered sensually. "Needs ironing"…
I proposed to a mime today,
"Will you mirror me?" She was speechless.
A Buddhist refused anaesthetic during a root canal procedure. His goal?
Transcend dental medication.
I went to a restaurant…
It was full; no place to sit… I took out my mobile, placed it to my ear and said loudly- "Bro, come fast, she's here with someone else". Six couples ran away..
