Doctor Good, Superman Bad
The American political system
Why do walruses swim in salt water?
Because if they swam in peppered water they’d sneeze all the time.
Why are photographers so hesitant to get into a relationship?
They're interested in developing one, but can't stop focusing on all the negatives.
Why did the perverted cat get arrested?
Because he got caught watching kitty porn.
Loading in third perspective
I’m particularly not a fan of Java but, this is straight fire
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They’ll just shoot the room for being black
Now that’s what I call a man of science !
I used to love blowing air at people’s faces…
…but I'm just not a fan anymore
What exactly is Fat shaming?
QUARANTINE IS OVER!
The compiler is broken.
Once a Bright and Intelligent young man went for an IAS (Indian Civil Service) interview.
He was asked – Q 1. When did India get Independence? He answered – The efforts started long back; but could succeed in 1947. Q 2. Who were the persons, who played important role in this fight for Independence? Answer – There are many people, who were involved and contributed in this. If I give a name, it will be injustice to others. Q 3. Do you think, Corruption is the greatest enemy of the country? Answer – A committee is investigating in this matter. I can give a correct reply to this only after seeing the report. The Interview Board was impressed by his original ideas. They asked him to wait outside; but also advised him not to reveal the questions, as they may ask the same questions to other candidates also. When the young man went out of the room, (there was other Person waiting for the interview outside the room). Person(2) inquired about the questions asked. The young man said that he had promised the interview board not to disclose the questions. But, Person(2) found a way out. "Tell me the answer you gave." The young man, thought it to be okay, as he was not going back on his words of "not disclosing the QUESTIONS". So he gave him the three answer which Person(2) quickly learnt by heart. When person(2) went in for interview, this is what happened. Q 1. When were you born? Person(2):- The efforts started long back, but could succeed in 1947. Interviewers got confused…they asked next question. Q 2. What is your father's name? Person(2) :- There are many people, who were involved and contributed in this. If I give a name, it will be injustice to others. The board members were shocked at the reply..they said. Q 3. Are you mad? Person(2) :- A committee is investigating in this matter. I can give a correct reply to this only after seeing the report.
A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu: "Cheeseburger: $5 Fries: $3 Handjobs: $10." He walks up to the window and there is a beautiful blonde working behind the counter. "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?" he asks, handing her ten dollars. "Yes, I am," she replies seductively. "Well, wash your hands, I want two cheeseburgers."
Why don’t women work at the post office?
It's a mail dominated industry.
My dad passed away last year because my family didn’t know blood type in time for the doctors to do a transfusion.
As he was dying he kept saying "be positive" but it's hard without him.
Did any body done this?
Teacher : “Alright who can name a flammable material?”
Jewish Kid : “ME! ME! ME!” Teacher : “Okay what else?”
poet or dev?
Everyone gets a semi colon;
Actually the cat is both 50% in the bad and 50% not in the bag until we open it
A horse walks into a bar.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “You’re in here a lot, are you an alcoholic?” The horse ponders for a minute and responds, “I don’t think I am.” And poof he disappears. This is where philosophy students start to snicker, as they are familiar with Descartes postulate, “ I think therefore I am.” But telling you that first would be putting Descartes before the horse.
A chemistry meme for y’all
What do you give to a sick pig?
His supporters don’t care at all.
I ma Wab Devoloper!!
Venice, COD in real life.
I won’t say that I didn’t smile from this.
Rest of the world, if you’re listening…
When a women is giving birth, she’s literally kidding.
No text found
My friend gets offended when people tell fat jokes.
I told her to lighten up.
Don’t catch that flight
I told my wife, “You are so skinny.”
Then I grabbed her by the love handles and said, "Just look at all this skin."
Petty man in chief
I think my waitress is hungry
She keeps asking how my food is.
A gang of cutlery users have turned every silent K in the world into an audible K.
Those kniving bastards.
Stop saying life is a joke. It isn’t.
A joke has meaning.
My statistics professor told us that the larger the sample size, the more reliable are your averages.
The N’s justify the means.
An interesting tit
What is the difference between a unicorn and a carrot?
One is a funny beast and the other is a bunny feast.
Two wives went out for girls’ night.
Both got drunk, started walking home and had to go to the bathroom. They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with. One used her panties and the other grabbed a wreath off a grave. The next morning, one husband calls the other and says, "No more girls' night out. My wife came back with no panties." "You think you have it bad?", says the other, "Mine came back with a card stuck in her crack that read from all of us at the fire station... we will never forget you."
Don’t you dare entry our territory
Lightbulbs do not make good meals.
But they're good for a light snack.
Old but gold
A new Army Captain was assigned to a recon company in a remote post in the desert. During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asked the First Sergeant why the camel is kept there. "Well, sir," was the nervous reply, "as you know, there are 250 men here and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have …m-m-m…. urges. That's why we have the camel, sir." The Captain said, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay." About a month later, the Captain started having a real problem with his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asked the First Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stood on it, pulled down his pants, and had wild, insane sex with the camel. When he was done, he asked the First Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?" "Uh, no sir," the First Sergeant replied. "They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."
A Sad Truth.
Bernie Sanders desperately scrambling to cover up newest breaking scandal
To follow-up on the Management post: Deadlines
More Funny Than Sad, To Be Honest.
He said decide so why not both
Reddit should rename ‘share’ to ‘spreddit’, ‘delete’ to ‘shreddit’ and ‘karma’ to ‘creddit’.
Yet they haven't. I don't geddit. Eddit: Leddit be heard, thank you for the silver!
I was the first, what about you guys.
Did you hear about the hungry clock?
It went back four seconds
Not So Happy Ending..
On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.
One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?" The tower responded, "Who is calling?" The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?" The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."
Spent a few hours on the wife’s grave today
It cheers me up and; 2. She still thinks I'm digging a pond. [Note: Not my joke, but made me chuckle]
Good luck with that!
Keep it simple
F = MA
I’m willing to try this…
My country has so many thieves who try to steal the cat. So i have to do this =3=
A bus full of nuns falls off a cliff and they all die.
They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them: "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And they do so. St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" The Sister Responds "Well… there was this one time… that I kinda sorta… touched one with the tip of my pinky finger…" St. Peter says "Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted." and she does what she's told. St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" "Well…. There was this one time… that I held one for a moment…" "Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted" and she does so. Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun "Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!" Sister Susan responds "Well if I'm going to have to gargle this stuff, I'd rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!"
I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised I picked up a stranger and asked. “Thanks but why’d you pick me up? How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I told him the chances of two serial killers in one car would be astronomical.