Doctor: I had to take your colon.
Me why?
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will track you down…
You have my Word.
After a procedure… Doctor: Avoid strenuous activity for the next two weeks
Me: Can I play piano? Doctor: Yes you can. Me: Wow! Thanks! I never could before.
Space heaters are the best house-warming gifts.
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Did you know SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus? Did you know “tuba” is also an acronym?
Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
The rules for religions and penises are the same.
It's okay to have one, and it's okay to be proud of it, but don't whip it out in public and don't shove it down children's throats.
I’m going to freeze myself -273.15°
My friends are worried, but i will be 0K
I walked into a store and noticed they were selling deer nuts for $1.25
Every other time I've seen them, they were under a buck.
Broken pencils are pointless
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Why does Donald Trump take Xanax?
For Hispanic attacks.
Im not a father but I make dad jokes.
I guess I'm a faux pas.
I lost my job at the quarry…
I guess you could say I've hit rock bottom…
Three pilots died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates…..
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.' The Army helicopter pilot thumbed through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said. It did make light; you may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said The Navy C-2 pilot reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.' Saint Peter said, 'they had a ring to them, you may pass through the pearly gates'. The Air Force fighter pilot started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women'spanties.. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?' He replied, 'These are Carols.' And So The Christmas Season Begins. . .
Why did Bilbo Baggins die with an erection?
Old hobbits die hard.
Who here believes in telekinesis?
Raise my hand. (Celebrating my first Father’s Day as a dad with my first post in this sub!)
We’ll we’ll we’ll…
if it isn't autocorrect?
Why is Switzerland such a good country?
I’m not exactly sure, but their flag is a big plus.
I don’t often tell dad jokes
But when I do, he usually laughs
Why did the T-Rex only sell handguns
Because he is a small arms dealer
I told my boyfriend we could watch a porn for his birthday and do everything that we saw in the video…
He was super psyched, until I fucked the pizza guy.
What’s Ironman without his suit?
Stark naked
Click here to see a silly beverage medley.
Do-re-mi-fa-soda-ti-do!
Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly’s girlfriend agreed to marry him?
Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.
As I handed my Dad his 50th Birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said,
“You know, one would have been enough”
I would like to be a millionaire just like my dad.
He always wanted to be a millionaire too.
I turned to my son and asked him to name two pronouns.
He looked bewildered and replied, "Who, me?"
What’s more amazing than a talking dog?
A spelling bee!
Why is no one friends with Dracula?
Because he's a pain in the neck.
4 Norse god, 1 Roman god, and 2 astronomical bodies walk into a bar
The bartender says " Oh, this is a gonna be a week joke"
Did you hear about the new radio station?
W-I-F-E They tell you what to do all day long!
Did you hear about the Yacht builder that had to work from home?
His sails went through the roof
I couldn’t help but smile as the infant-ry marched on the capitol.
There's nothing cuter than a babies' coup.
What’s the difference between politics and anatomy?
In anatomy, the asshole is at the bottom.
A vegan said to me, “People who sell meat are gross!”
I said, "People who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer."