Doctor: You have a disease that causes memory loss.
Me: Is it contagious?
Doctor: Is what contagious?
So I packed up my stuff and right
He never returned and the world ran out of milk.
Because they're always behind a few bars and can't find the key.
at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
NSFW: There’s a crew of builders working on a high rise building in Australia. They are working on the top; which is over 70 stories high.
Bruce the builder, climbs on a beam hanging from the crane and says to his friend Joe "Hey Joe, stand on the other end of the beam, as a counter weight, I need to take a whizz over the side. Joe stands with his back to him and says "Sure thing, mate." Bruce undoes his fly and starts peeing. The lunch break bell rings, Joe is really starving, completely forgets about Bruce and jumps back on the main scaffold without Joe as a counterweight, Bruce falls to his death on the street below. A Frenchman, an Italian and an Australian are together eating in a restaurant. Suddenly the Frenchman sits up and says "Frenchmen love women the most!" Of course the Italian disagrees "No, Italian men love women the most. Why just the other day I took my girlfriend out to the best restaurant, then I took her to a sold-out show and then we went to the best hotel in town. Where we made love all night long. I'd been working overtime and planning this for over a year". The Frenchman says "That's nothing, I took my girl to the most exclusive bar in town, where we drunk the best Champagne. I then took her for a carriage ride along the Montmartre and then to the finest restaurant in Paris, where we ate oysters and foie gras, salmon and beluga caviar. I then took her to the finest hotel in Paris and we made love for two days and two nights". The Australian then pipes up "Nah, you guys aren't even close. Australian men are the most crazy about women." At this, both the Frenchmen and the Italian both wear wry and sarcastic expressions. Before they can say anything, he holds up his hand, and the Australian says "Just hear me out, a year ago this drop dead gorgeous brunnette is walking down the street in a really skimpy outfit, mini skirt and all. The next thing that me and my friends see, is this builder jumps off the top of this tall building, with his cock in his hand and he's screaming out:" "Cuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnnnt!"
They really dropped the ball this time.
So we stopped playing chess.
We call ourselves Juan Direction
"Maybe a career as a tour guide isn't right for me?"
WARNING: THIS JOKE IS ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE Obi-wanCANNOLI I’ll show myself out.
After watching Star Wars with my son for the first time today, he looked up at me and asked, “Daddy, why was R2D2 so dirty?” Puzzled, I asked him what he meant.
He replied, "Well, they had to bleep out every word he said!"
The first woman teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands slowly and carefully inside. She then administered a tender and skillful massage for several long moments and softly asked 'How does that feel'? Feels wonderful, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken!
I said people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer
They're all Bark and no bite
He laughs at them sometimes
Will keep you posted as the story unfolds.
I'm seeing a lot of new faces here in the crowd this week and I have to say I am very disappointed.
A husband died. A few years later, his wife died. As she got to heaven she saw her husband and ran up to him with tears in her eyes. "Darling, oh how I've missed you!" The husband extends his arms, stopping her from embracing him and says, "Woah there woman. The contract was until death."
Murphy’s Law states that anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But do you know what Cole’s Law is?
It's a side dish made from thinly sliced cabbage.
A head banger
Because she's really Sheik.
Which is ironic, because we were both waiting for the bus.
Little Jewish boy Moishe comes home, walks up to his mother, and says: “Mom, mom, I wrote at school today in the column “Nationality" that I’m Russian! “Son, what do you eat for lunch every day?” – "Chicken!" – "And now you will eat potatoes, like all Russian children." Moishe becomes upset, and goes to his dad, he thinks maybe his dad will approve. Going to dad: – "Dad, dad, today I wrote "Russian" in the column "Nationality" at school!" – "Son, how do you go to school every day?" – "By car dad!" – "And now you will ride a tram, like all Russian children." Moishe, very upset, goes to his grandfather, maybe he will approve: – "Grandfather, grandfather, today I wrote "Russian" in the column “Nationality!” – "Grandson, how much pocket money did you get for school every day?" – "100 grandfather!" “And now you will receive a ruble. Like all Russian children." Moishe becomes completely upset, and sits down with his family for dinner. Everyone eats a chicken, winking at each other. Moishe eats potatoes. And then Mom asks Moishe: “Well, son, how do you like being Russian?” – "Damn, I'm Russian just for a couple of hours, and already hate you, damn Jews!
Because one is a repost.
It makes scents, if you think about it.
She’s still not talking to me.
Go see a Cairo-practor.
… it's a sentence
Today in sex ed our teacher asked what’s the difference between a male reproductive system and the female reproductive system.
Apparently there’s a vas deferens