Doctor: Your brain fell out after your accident, but we managed to put it back in

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John Cena: Where am I Nurse: ICU John Cena: No you can’t

Donald Trump and Barack Obama ended up at the same barber shop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn nasty. As the barbers finished their shaves in silence, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. But Donald was quick to stop him, jokingly saying, "No thanks. My wife, Melania, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel." The second barber turned to Barack and said, "How about you, Mr. Obama?" Barack replied, "Go right ahead, my wife, Michelle, doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like."

Sorry, that came out wrong. Ahem. So, I’m giving up. Drinking for the next month straight.

Chris: Hey can I borrow a ten? Kristen: sure. Christen: Thank you. Kris: Anytime.

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her. Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru? The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff….dad….I became a prostitute…." "Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family." "OK, dad– as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million." "For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club….(takes a breath)….and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and…." Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad. Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff….a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff." "Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug.

Good. I'd vote for it over Trump or Biden any day.

But so far I’ve made two bowls and a vase.

However, his sister Chewbacca and his brother Boba Fett are less amused.

I flipped two stones with one bird.

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?" No one answered so the teacher picked on a random student Little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!" The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?" Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye." Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

So he could pickup his Master’s degree…

He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?" The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant." The soldier didn"t say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your automobiles on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

Then I realized battery not included

He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."

Of course, his wife finds this habit disgusting, and even as she asks him to stop, he only snickers, continuing the habit every morning. After one of the husband's daily bouts of morning flatulence, the woman tells him that if he continues to fart every morning, his intestines will come out of his ass. Of course, he does not believe her claim, and he gets up, as every day before. Enraged, the woman thinks of a solution. Later that day, the woman saves the intestines from the turkey that she has cooked, preparing to give her husband a proper scare. When he's fallen asleep, she puts the turkey intestines in his underwear, and when he wakes up, after delivering his usual sour flatuosity, he is horrified to feel what he presumes to be his own innards in his underwear. As the man rushes to the bathroom, holding his behind all the way, his wife smiles content, asking: "I told you that would happen!" As she hears a grunt and a slopping sound, her husband comes out of the bathroom, a satisfied grin on his face. "Yes," he says, "but thanks to God's grace and these two fingers, all is back where it should be."

It was bang on target.

Because they've already got their degrees.

None. It's a hardware problem.

By dividing.

The patient answers, "Give me the lawyer's heart, that one hasn't been used yet."

Irishman said "on three conditions, I don't wanna kiss it, I don't want any of my friends or relatives to find out, and give me a couple of months to get the money together".

Bison.

My dog doesn’t even OWN a bike.

At least, that’s what she said in her diary