Döctör
People keep telling me I’m the worst mailman they’ve ever seen.
Shit, I meant to post this somewhere else.
“I’m sorry” and “I apologize” usually mean the same thing
…except at a funeral
How many ears does Mr. Spock have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple, but with extremely limited memory. Just one byte. And then everything crashed. Edit: My first award! Thanks!
A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following: Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! . Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.' The lady can't take this anymore, "You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig!" She retorted indignantly. 'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!" 'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man, 'Whooza talkin' about sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '..
What do you call a fat psychic?
A Four-chin teller.
Some children treat their parents like god.
They acts like they don’t exist until they want something.
Anti-Vaxx parents hate it when you call their toddler’s outbursts a “temper tantrum.”
They prefer the term "mid-life crisis"
A mugger held me up at knife point, demanding I give all my money…
So I drew him a map to my ex-wife’s house.
A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.
One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left. As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't much of a man, is he?" "He's not much of a driver, either," the waitress replied. "He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles."
A horse walks into a bar, the bartender says “Why the long face?”
The horse, incapable of understanding human language, promptly shits on the floor and leaves
I was arrested the other day for stealing people’s electrons.
I was heavily charged, despite my victims saying it was an overall positive experience.
What do you call a dog that likes to dig up bones?
A barkeologist
Robin: “The Batmobil isn’t starting!” Batman: “Did you charge the battery?”
Robin: “What the hell is a tery?”
What concert costs just 45 cent?
50 Cent ft. Nickelback
A German, an Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishmen
…are debating philosophy. The question arises over the course of their debates: what separates man from the animals? "Technology," says the German. "Other creatures have tools, yet none can match the heights of engineering we have accomplished. It is our industry that separates us from the beasts." "I disagree," announces the Italian. "It is our food. The creatures of the wild eat, but they do not cook. Humans on the other hand, create amazing dishes and new combination that make eating a most enjoyable experience." "I say it's art," decides the Frenchman. "No other being can create art. From our earliest days we have painted, and now we sculpt, write and compose as well. The wild animals cannot ever know what it is like to cry over a beautiful piece of art." All three now look towards the Englishman, expecting his answer. He takes a long sip of tea before answering, "The Channel".
Apparently babies start walking at around 1.
Well, it's 2:30 now and she hasn't walked at all
A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore, she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout and she turned to him and said…
"I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son." He answered, "That's okay." "I know it's silly, but if you'd call out, 'Good bye, Mom' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy." She then went through the checkout and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye Mom!" The little old lady waved and smiled back at him. Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries. "That comes to $121.85." said the clerk. "How come so much! I only bought 5 items." The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your mother said you'd be paying for her things too."
I used to be addicted to soap
But I'm clean now.
If a bisexual isn’t dating anyone…
…does that mean they're on standbi?
Three days ago, in the midst of the coronavirus pandemic, Donald Trump was visited by the ghost of George Washington.
"George," Trump asked, "how can I fix this? How do I make America great again?" "Never tell a lie." "I don't lie. Go away." Two days ago, he was visited by the ghost of Thomas Jefferson. "Hey, Tom, how do I fix this? How can I make America great again?" "Listen to the people." "I know what I'm doing. I listen to the best people. The best ones." Last night, while down at Mar-a-Lago, he was visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. "Hey, Abe, how do I fix this? How can I make America great again?" "Go see a play."
I like the sound of “fiancé”
It has a ring to it.
Apparently, I’m in the secret service.
Been so many years and nobody told me.
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Went out with a bang…
A tough old cowboy with grizzled hair, chiseled featured, and hands tougher than the sharpest barbs on new wire told his grandson that the secret to living a long life was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every morning. With absolute faith, the grandson did as Grandpap instructed. Every morning for the rest of his life, he added a pinch of gun powder to his oatmeal. He grew up, lived happily, enjoyed perfect health, and died at the ripe old age of 107. According to the story in the newspaper, he left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot crater where the crematorium used to be.