Doctors strike be like 😂👌💯
My girlfriend told me I was disgusting for licking the bowl after I finished.
I guess she's used to most people just flushing.
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.
The Indian Chief proclaims, “So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?” The Lone Ranger responds, “I’d like to speak to my horse.” The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver’s ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful,naked blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger’s Tent and spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he’s impressed. “You have very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?” The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse’s ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief’s surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a naked brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger’s tent and spends the night. The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. “You are indeed a man of many talents, but I still kill you tomorrow. “What is your last request?” The Lone Ranger responds,” I’d like to speak to my horse….ALONE.” The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger’s tent. Once they’re alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says: “Listen very carefully, you fcuking dickhead, for the last time………. . BRING POSSE!!!!”
“Dad, can you explain to me what entropy means?”
“Sure. Let me tell you, it isn’t what it used to be.”
I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom.
On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore." I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breathe. As he lay in my arms I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.
The other day I told a girl, “You look great without glasses.”
Girl: “I don’t wear glasses.” Me, while polishing my lenses: “No, but I do.”
I bought a second hand time machine next Sunday.
They don’t make them like they’re going to anymore.
Know why Jedi don’t get married?
Because they know divorce will be with them. Always.
I was working out my calves at the gym today.
The instructor said, "How the hell did you bring the cows here?"
My friends and I tried to bypass the quarantine laws by dressing up as crows and hanging out together on top of a telephone wire
Unfortunately, someone called the police on us and we got arrested for attempted murder.
Mom wins.
I'm the Dad. So, we're driving around and we see a "Mobile Paper Shredder" truck. Me: "I don't have any mobile paper." (good Dad joke, right?) Her: "It's all stationary."
My wife is mad at me, says I have no sense of direction…
So I packed all my bags and right.
The other day a friend of mine told me a really bad gravity joke.
I still fell for it though
A washed up actor hasn’t gotten a job in years. He has lost his ability to remember lines. But after looking for work for a very long time, finally he gets the lead role in a Broadway musical.
When he arrives at the theater the director tells him, "You have the most important part, but you only have one line. You walk onto stage with a rose; bring it close to your nose with your thumb, index, and middle fingers; and sniff it deeply. Then you will say, 'Oh, the smell of my lover.'" When it comes time for him to say his line he walks onto stage and says, "Oh, the smell of my lover." With this the crowd begins to laugh hysterically and the director explodes with anger. The actor runs off stage and asks, "Did I forget my lines?" The director replies, "No! You forgot the flower."
How did harry potter get down the hill?
he came running jk rowling
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
They say make up sex is the best
Which is lucky, because all my sex is made up
FINALY, my clock-fetish sex tape arrived in the mail…
…it's about fucking time.
The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her
I said no thanks, I can't handle high maintenance women
My wife told me I was terrible with directions
So I packed up my things and right
A judge asks a defendant to stand…
"You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw." From out of the audience a man shouts "You lying maggot!" "Silence in the court!" the judge shouted back. He turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel." "You Goddamned tightwad!" blurted the spectator. "Quiet!" yelled the judge. "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill." "You cheap son of a…" the man starts to shout when the judge thunders back "If you don't tell me the reason for your outbursts right now, I will hold you in contempt!" "I've lived next to that lying maggot for ten years now, but do you think he ever had a damn tool when I needed to borrow one!" I found this and knew I had to post
PEOPLE THERE IS STILL A PANDEMIC!!!
Only 25 looters per store please.
I was asked at an interview what my weakness is
I replied "I'm too honest" The interviewer said "I don't consider honesty a weakness" I said "I don't give a fuck what you think"
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married…
The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
What did the burglar say when he detonated a bomb to get into Fort Knox?
Edit: Wow, this blew up. Thanks for the gold!
My wife says I’m getting fat, but in my defense….
I’ve had a lot on my plate recently
An old man sought out a doctor for a sperm count…
The doctor gave him a sample pot and said: "Take this and bring it back tomorrow with a sperm sample." The following day, the old man returned and gave the pot back to the doctor. It was empty as the day before. Confused, the doctor asked what happened. The old man explained: "You see, doc, this is how it went: first, I tried with my right hand and nothing. Then, I tried with my left hand, still nothing. So I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, with her left one, but nothing. Next she tried with her mouth – first with her teeth, then without them, and nothing. We even called our neighbor and she also tried. First with both hands, then with her armpit and lastly, squeezing it between her knees, but nothing." The doctor was shocked: "You asked your neighbor for help?!" "Yes, doc. But neither of us could open the damn pot."
Can February March?
Can February March? No, but April May.
What do you say to a 20 year old with no legs, one eye and no health insurance?
“Thank you for your service”
A magician escaped a police car chase by entering a neighborhood…
And turning into a driveway.
Hey man, you want this pamphlet?
Brochure
I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!
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When orders for acetone, benzene and methanol plummeted…
…the chemical plant became insolvent…
David Hasselhoff walked into a bar and ordered a drink. “It’s a pleasure to serve you Mr Hasselhoff,” said the bartender.
“Just call me Hoff,” he replied. “Sure,” said the bartender. “No hassle.”