Does anyone know if its possible to take a skin graft from your buttocks and put it on somebody who isn’t family?
Arse skin for a friend.
Samuel L. Jackson doesn’t call his parents Mom and Dad.
He calls them Mother and Motherfucker.
What do turkeys like to eat on Thanksgiving?
Nothing, they're already stuffed…
I have finally made it
I have two kids, a three year old daughter and a one year old son. Today as we were driving home, my daughter said for the first time “dad I’m hungry” and I felt the power course through my veins knowing I was about to reach the pinnacle of existence. I delivered the revered line and my wife just looked at me and I knew I had achieved everything in life.
Why was Batman in a hurry?
He had to go to the Batroom.
I think my wife is putting glue on my rifle collection.
She denies it, but I'm sticking to my guns.
I was addicted to soap
but now I'm clean.
Where is truth produced?
In the fact-ory.
What do you call a cow that just had a baby?
Decaffienated
My buddy called me and asked what I was doing…
I replied, "Probably failing my driving test."
What do you call a nervous Darth Vader?
Panakin Skywalker
If I have twin daughters, I’ll name one Kate.
And I’ll name the other DupliKate.
The titanic went down in 60 seconds
Let that sink in for a minute
The Pope is saddend that he never sees much of the countries he visits and decides it’s time for a change
After a visit to Berlin, the Pope decides he wants to travel to Rome by car. Off course, he didn't bring a car and so the German government seizes the opportunity to impress him with German engineering. They lend him the most powerful car they have available, with a German driver/bodyguard. And off they go! After a while the Pope ask the drive to pullover: – Young man, could you please drive along the smaller roads? I wanted to see more of the country, not the highway. – But your Holiness, this is the most efficient route. -Yes, but I don't want to take it. -Why not, your Holiness? – Like I said, because I … Oh just get out I'll drive. Now that he's driving himself and wherever he wants, the Pope is having a blast. The driver, who's now in the backseat, is somewhat disgruntled but resigns to his fate and enjoys the view. Near the Austrian border, road works lead the Pope back on the highway. And on this splendid highway, in this amazingly powerful car, the Pope starts to feel the need for speed. But that would be sinful. No no no he can't give in. At this moment, the driver pitches in 'Your Holiness, there are no speed limits on German highways'. Hearing this, the Pope unleashes his long dormant powers of a race pilot and floors it. The car almost leaps with enthusiasm that it can finally show what it can really do. As if by divine intervention all the cars in front of them give way and the car reaches its speed limit, just as it crosses the border with Austria. Within minutes the car is swarmed with police and first responders, tv helicopters are starting to circle. Seeing this Pandemonium, the Pope thinks that his free time has come to an end and pulls over. Several police officers hastily walk over to the driver’s door. The Pope lowers his window and looks up to them with a faint smile. Suddenly the police officers feel very much out of their depth and decide to call the Chief of Police: – Sir, a German car crossed the border at more than twice the speed limit and now we are not sure how to handle it. – What do you mean, you are not sure? Apprehend it! – Yes sir. We got the car sir. But it's seems to belong to someone very important. – Oh. Yes, that might complicate it. Is it a congressman? – No sir, much higher. – Higher? What did you apprehend Angela Merkel? -No, sir. We think still higher, sir. -Higher?! Bloody hell do you think it's God perhaps? – Well sir, the Pope is driving him. Edit: spelling
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
Every kind of clickbait does these simple things:
No text found
Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?
No Son, have you seen my dadglasses?
Why can pirates not finish the alphabet?
Because they’re always stuck at “C”.
What’s the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A bad golfer goes ‘WHACK’ , “ah shit”. A bad skydiver goes “ah shit” , ‘WHACK’
Set you Wifi password to 244466666
So you can say the password is 123456.
Wife: Stop being an idiot. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
A guy gets horny during his first week on a pirate ship…
So he goes up to the captain and asks "What do you guys use when you get horny?" The captain says: "There's a barrel over there with a hole in it; we use that". Guy: "Great when can I use it?" Captain: "You can use it any day of the week, except Tuesday". Guy: "Why not Tuesday?" The captain grinned and said: "Cause that's your day in the barrel."
My future boss asked if i could perform under pressure.
I said "No, but I can do a great Bohemian Rhapsody"
Today is a day to celebrate motherfuckers.
Happy Father's Day!
What do you call half of a Russian tree?
“Demi-tree”
To the person who stole my glasses…
I will find you, I have contacts!
What has six wheels and flies?
A garbage truck
A Buddhist refused anaesthetic during a root canal procedure. His goal?
Transcend dental medication.
What do you call a hippies wife. Mississippi…..
No text found
Why did the writer have his desk next to the window?
He liked to feel the draft coming in.
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller.
I used to love blowing air at people’s faces…
…but I'm just not a fan anymore
How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank coffee before it was cool
I called my boss this morning.
"I won't be coming today," I said. "My legs aren't working properly." "What kind of excuse is that?" He asked. I replied, "A lame excuse."
The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.
They're the Tolkien white guys.
Two thieves break into a house. Once inside, they sneak into the master bedroom and tie up the naked woman they find in there.
A startled, naked, man comes out of the bathroom, sees what's happening and says, "Please, please, take whatever you want, I will even give you the combination to my safe. Just, please, untie her and let her go." The thieves were surprised by how heartfelt the pleas from the man were. One of them says, "Wow, you must really love your wife in order to beg like that." The man replies, "I do, and she will be home any minute!"
Took my kids to the dinosaur museum today.
Spent the whole day looking up at the giant sculptures , I discovered a new species. Myneckisaur. This is my first dad joke post 🙂
My wife hates it when I mess with her red wine.
I added some fruit and orange juice—now she’s sangria than ever.
So, Schrodinger walks into a vet with his cat.
The nurse takes the cat, goes into the room, and comes out 10 minutes later. "Sir, we have good news and bad news."
