Does it even decompose?
A guy was wondering what being a suicide bomber was like..
So I told him, “C4 yourself”
Two goldfish were sitting in a tank. At one point, one of them turns to the other.
https://ift.tt/2VyuVEX
How To Fall Down The Stairs:
Step 1: Step 2: Step 5: Step 8: Step 14:
What do you call a mouse that swears
A cursor
Pun enters a room, kills 10 people.
Pun in, ten dead.
Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with ‘once upon a time’?
No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with ‘If elected, I promise…’
Welcome back to the plastic surgery addicts support group
I'm seeing a lot of new faces here and I must say I'm very disappointed…
If I was addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex,
would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?
My girlfriend used to smoke after we made love
so we started using lubricant
My uncle with a stutter was recently sent to prison…
He's never going to finish his sentence.
I yelled “cow!” at a woman on a bike and she gave me the finger.
Then she plowed her bike straight into the cow.
When 6ix9ine gets out of jail,
He'll be the first mumble rapper to finish his sentence
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
My girlfriend just asked me when I last had sex with someone that wasn’t her
I said- "Back in 02." It sounds much better than "February"
I logged into Facebook the other day and got a message saying “We value your privacy.”
Well I know that. How else could you sell it?
When I was a kid, I told my mother I wanted to be a drummer in a rock and roll band when I grew up and she said…
"Well honey, you can't do both."
I own a pen that can write under water
It can write other words too
Orion’s Belt, what a waist of space.
Terrible joke, only 3 stars.
I mean, to be frank
I'd have to change my name
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his butt.
The doctors described his condition as stable.
You know the thing about holy water
I don't see the use of water with holes
I was mugged by 6 dwarves last night
Not Happy
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C?
Because you can't C in the Dark.
For people on this sub who are thinking of getting married, consider this carefully before you do.
On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring. On the other hand, you don’t.
What do you call a five foot psychic that’s escaped from jail?
A small medium at large.
I’ve just discovered that I have a logic fetish
I can't stop coming to conclusions
After a procedure… Doctor: Avoid strenuous activity for the next two weeks
Me: Can I play piano? Doctor: Yes you can. Me: Wow! Thanks! I never could before.
A pretty girl kissed me today
I wish I could post this in another subreddit.
How do pickles celebrate their cake day?
They relish the moment.
After watching Star Wars with my son for the first time today, he looked up at me and asked, “Daddy, why was R2D2 so dirty?” Puzzled, I asked him what he meant.
He replied, "Well, they had to bleep out every word he said!"
My friend asked if I wanted to play Yahtzee.
I said "no dice."
I just bought my son a flat piece of cardboard for Christmas.
I have no idea why he wants an ex box.
