I stole seven crows yesterday.
Got away with murder.
Today I started an argument with my wife while riding in an elevator
I was wrong on many levels
“My friend Steve drowned, so at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt.
Well, it's what he would have wanted."
Where do you keep Arnold Schwarzenegger dolls in a store?
Aisle B, back.
I have a friend who was born on May 7th. Every year for his birthday I re-gift him a pristine 3 foot long fence pole. He hates it, but I have a perfect record.
It might be stupid, but it's a perfect 5/7, wood repost again.
My book on clocks just arrived.
It’s about time.
[Announcement] If you keep spamming your youtube channels here then your post will be marked as spam.
Which means that you will not only be banned from posting to this sub but you may get a shadow ban from reddit. Shadow ban means that you will not be able to post anything to ANY subreddit. Just follow the rules before posting.
Which planet has the most bread?
Jupitta
I asked my wife if I’m the only one she had ever slept with.
She said “Yes…. all the other guys were nines or tens”
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you?You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
Someone looked at me at the store today and yelled “SIX FEET!”
I said "6' 2", but good guess."
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I’d choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Knowing sign language could really come in handy.
No text found
When I drink too much alcohol I’m called an alcoholic,
but when I smoke a lot of weed no one calls me… Or texts me… or talks to me… I’m very lonely.
How does a cowboy start his day?
He reboots
I edited my pig’s genes to make it taste better
you might even say the bacon is CRISPR
What’s E.T. short for?
He's only got little legs
Why did the hipster fall into the lake?
He went ice skating before it was cool.
Dogs can’t operate MRI scanners.
But CATSCAN.
My 10 year old came in with a piece of paper and said “Dad, I’ve got a joke for you.”
Then she ripped it in half and said, “Never mind, it’s tearable.” I feel like I’ve succeeded as a dad.
Today I bought some shoes from a drug dealer…
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been trippin all day.
Hey, thanks! (Non-joke)
I've got a kid who's dealing with a pretty heavy anxiety disorder and mornings are particularly rough on him. Horrible jokes help distract him until everything kicks in, so I've been leaning on this sub. It's good to see him laugh and groan at the breakfast table and all of you monsters make that possible. So, yeah. From one dad to others (actual or honorary,) thanks for the assist.
The Cool Clam Club
Deep beneath the ocean there is an exclusive club known for only having the coolest of clams in their midst. This was called the Cool Clam Club. Now, the Cool Clam Club was known across the seven seas as one of the most prestigious clubs known to seakind due to the fact that their initiation was quite possibly the most dangerous stunt you could pull; however, if you passed, you got a really sharp looking leather jacket with a clam patch on the back. Everyone wanted to be in the Cool Clam Club. Three clams decided they would try their shell at joining the Cool Clam Club. Their names were Justin, Travis, and Griffin. They all knew the initiation was difficult, but they've been watching from the sidelines for far too long. What is this tough initiation you may ask? Every day at around sunfall the tide would rise. The rising tide would cause the old wooden dock to rise up for a few moments, then come crashing down back into the shore. To join the Cool Clam Club, a clam must take a running start, slide under one of the large wooden legs of the dock, and come out the other side unscathed. "Simple," thought all three clams. They had seen this initiation many times before, they knew the techniques and the wet and wild stunts. The Justin clam went first. He observed the rising and falling of the post. He took a deep swig of water. He towards his destiny. WOOSH! The Cool Clam Club received the Justin clam with open arms. He passed initiation and the leather jacket was his! Surely, he must be the coolest clam in town! Travis clam, upon seeing his fellow clam claim the jacket, was happy. But he knew that he was next. The dock rose, it fell, it rose… WOOSH! The Travis clam had made it! He hugged the Justin clam, cheers erupted around him, and the jacket was his. Griffin looked at the two other clams on the other side of that large wooden post. He was getting nervous. His tiny stomach began to hurt out of nervousness. Alas! If Justin and Travis had made it through, surely he could make it as well! The Griffin clam backed up to get a head start. He looked at the dock, nervous still. The Cool Clam Club looked on with interest at this. They all clenched the lapels of their cool leather jackets, for they all wanted the littlest clam to join their ranks. The Griffin clam looked at the dock. The large wooden pillar rose. It fell. It rose… SPLAT! The post fell upon the Griffin clam and the littlest clam was no more. Now, my friends, you may be wondering what killed the Griffin clam. The other two clams had made it through without a scratch, so then, why did the Griffin clam fail? Pier pressure. Edit: formatting
How do we know that atoms are Catholic?
Because they have mass
Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo…
We’ll keep you updated as the story unfolds…
I have a maths joke
But I’m 2² to say it
What did the redditor say after robbing a jewellery store?
Edit:OMG thanks for the silver Edit 2:WTF OMG thanks for the gold EDIT 3:OMFG THANKS SO MUCH FOR THE PLATINUM
Non-vaccinated children are less likely to have autism
Because autism is rarely diagnosed before the age of 3
A genie asked, “What’s your first wish?” Steve answered, “I wish I was rich!” And the genie said…
"What’s your second wish, Rich?"
What do you call a big boat trying out for a job?
An internship.
Dude, where’s my
https://ift.tt/2pry5ze
India is a very peaceful country.
Because nobody has any beef over there.
I mixed up the words “Jacuzzi” with “Yakuza”…
…Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.
[NSFW] Why did the eunuch’s wife leave him?
Honestly, he couldn't give a fuck.