How many dead bodies does it take to change a light bulb?
Well, it's not 6, cause my basement is still dark
I thought of a great joke about a boomerang, but I forgot it.
It will come back to me.
My son called me a simp, after I googled what it meant, I said
then you're a simpson.
Leather armor is the best for sneaking
Its literally made of hide.
I sprayed some deodorant in my mouth.
Now, when I talk, I have this weird Axe-scent
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician
And a Czech one too. And a Czech one too.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick
Mostly because his name is Steve
Saying “have a nice day” to someone, sounds friendly
But "enjoy your next 24 hours" sounds threatening.
Mality, Mality, Mality, Mality.
Now that we’ve got the four malities out the way, we can begin.
Reverse cowgirl is set to be outlawed in Alabama.
Cause you don't turn your back on family.
I had to break up with my tennis-playing girlfriend
Love meant nothing to her.
What does a house wear?
Address
My son said he wanted to swim in an ocean someday, any ocean at all.
I told him to be more Pacific.
I accidentally swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles.
My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.
An Afghan
An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Englishman, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turk, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub…. The doorman stops them and says, ‘sorry I can’t let you in without a Thai’.
Jim walked into a bar……
Jim, walked into a Bar and aggressively shouted his order to the bartender ”Please give me a plate of chicken wings and then give everyone half a kilo steak and mutton, cause when I eat, I want everyone to eat!” The bartender complies to this by giving Jim a plate of chicken wings and everyone else, their meals Just as everybody finishes their food, Jim again yells ”Give me a bottle of Champagne and give everybody else a bottle of Johnny Walker Black, cause when I drink, I want everybody to drink! Everyone is elated and cheers for Jim When Jim is done with his drink, he yells, yet again "Bring everybody their bill, because when I pay mine, I want everyone else to pay theirs '
Technically, national anthems are just country music.
No text found
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
It was an apple but with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
Elon Musk has developed a new Tesla car that uses karma instead of fuel.
It runs on upvolts.
I remember once when my dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill but instead i bought a raffle ticket for a brand new car…
…when i got home,i explained to my dad what i did and he beat the crap out of me. But the next day,when my dad woke up and opened the door,outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried especially me,because the car was from the electricity company,they were there to cut off the electricity, my dad beat the crap out of me again
My hair is tied up
It's got a lot to do today
My girlfriend said, “You act like a detective too much. I want to split up.”
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
I was going to make a joke that I thought was really clean
But my mother told me that it wasn’t polished enough
What did Kim Jong-Un say yesterday before he died?
My Korea is over
My girlfriend threatened to leave me if I didn’t stop pointing out random exits and entrances.
I said: "There's the door."
Scotish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve: “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing”…
"Forty-five years of misery is enough”, he continued. "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams. “We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.” Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!” She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Sorted! They're coming for Christmas – and they're paying their own way."
My boss told me to have a good afternoon…
so I went home.
How do you measure the heaviness of a red hot chili pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
Hey bro, can you hand me that pamphlet?
Brochure.