Does my wife think I’m a control freak?
I haven’t decided yet…
Man sat on a towel on a beach. He had no arms or legs.
3 Women walked past & felt sorry for him. First one said "You ever had a hug?" He said "No" so she hugged him & walked on. The second woman said "You ever had a kiss?" He said "No" so she kissed him & walked on. Third said "You ever been fucked?" He said "No" as his eyes lit up… she said "You will be when the tide comes in."
What do you call cheese that isnt yours..?
Oh sorry, Havarti told you this one?
When is the best time to commit suicide?
Ate a glock in the morning.
A shoplifter stole an entire case of red bull from my store
I don’t know how he sleeps at night
A Priest, a thief, a Jewish schoolboy and Irishman die in a car crash…
They stand before Saint Peter at the gates of heaven. Saint Peter looks at them and appears confused. "My children" he says "There has been a mistake, you were not supposed to die today. I will allow you one more chance at life as long as you promise to love out the rest of your existence free of sin". Eager to return to their lives the men all agree, and POOF they appear back on Earth. They stand awestruck, wondering if what they had just experienced was real or just a dream. The thief notices a woman walking with an expensive looking purse. Convinced that he had only imagined the gates of heaven he rushes and attempts to steal the purse and POOF he disappears. Realizing what just happened the others understand that they must truly live without sin. The Irishman looks to his left and sees a pub. "One drink won't hurt" he says as he orders a pint. He lifts the cup to his lips and POOF he disappears. The Jewish schoolboy looks down and sees a coin that fell from the vanishing Irishman's pocket. He bends down to pick it up, fully aware that greed is a sin, and POOF the priest disappears.
A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”.
“No, go right ahead.” the woman replies. The man stands, clears his throat, says “plethora”, and sits back down. “Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot.”
I went trick or treating as Gandhi and kept all of my candy in a hat
And when someone tried to take the candy from my hat i told them "My hat my candy"
Getting my toy drone stuck in a tree hasn’t been the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
What does the horse say after falling?
“Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t giddy up”
I hear it’s easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods
It's more difficult to deter gents though
Gadzooks! r/ProgrammerHumor is looking for moderators (mod application thread)
https://ift.tt/2WLc4Zg
NV, SC, and Super Tuesday Primary Voters: Show us proof you voted yesterday, and we’ll give you a cool flair! :)
Continuation of this thread, which focuses on the NH Primary.We are planning on expanding the flair program to primary voters in all 50 states. If you have any ideas for perks or extras we can throw in, please let us know via modmail. Right now, only voters from states who’s primaries have either occurred or will occur soon can request flairs.Iowa caucus goers are also encouraged to use the same form to submit their late request. Later states will be given the chance to submit their requests once their primaries or caucuses have occurred.NV, SC, and Super Tuesday Primary Voters: CLICK HERE TO GET YOUR FLAIR IF YOU VOTED!Simply provide evidence of your participation (any ‘I Voted’ sticker or other supplemental documents are allowed), and we’ll add a user flair similar to my account to your account.Special Discord Channel AccessVerified voters will also get special access to our exclusive Voter Only Discord channel. To gain access to this, include your Discord account ID in your above submission, and we’ll add you to this channel.Have a good day!
I had a silver dollar, but then my dog got a hold of it.
Now I have a bitcoin.
I like my women how I like my computer.
On my lap. Turned on. Virus free.
Why did the banana company fire the truck driver?
He drove them nuts.
Doctor : Does it hurt?
Mother : Yes, a lot. Doctor : So are we vaccinating the baby, or should I slap you again?
Stop looking at Reddit and get a piece of paper and write the second last letter of the alphabet.
If you do it you'll see why.
At any given moment, the urge to sing, “The Lion Sleeps Tonight”…
…is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.
[NSFW] Did you hear about the drug addicted duck?
It couldn’t stop getting high on quack
What do you call an overweight psychic?
A four-chin teller.
Walmart will be closed for Christmas
so that both cashiers can spend time with their families.
Why did Disney make frozen 2?
Because they couldn't let it go
In an elementary school English class, kids are learning the word “contagious”. Teacher calls on students, asking them to use it in a sentence.
“Susan?” “I had a flu and mommy made me stay home for 3 days because I was contagious!” “Very good. What about you, Johnny?” “Our neighbor Mrs. Henderson has started painting her fence last night, daddy says it’s gonna take the contagious!”
How do you get an old lady to say the f word?
You get another old lady to say “Bingo.”
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage
The Zookeeper said it was bread in captivity
People who call sex hotlines literally only want one thing
And it’s discussing fucking.
The funniest part of any pizza joke…
…is the delivery.
What’s the difference between a Trump voter and a polar bear?
One is a fat, white, mindless killing machine with no conscience or future, and the other is a bear.