Does this belong?
A blonde, a brunette and a red-headed mother are talking about their daughters.
The brunette tells them, "I found cigarettes in my daughter's room, I can't believe she smokes! " The red head said, "I know, I found some beer in my daughter's room. I couldn't believe it! " The blonde says "That's nothing! I found condoms in my daughter's room. I never knew she had a penis! "
Why are there no penguins in Britain?
Because theyβre scared of Wales
I have a Polish friend who is a sound engineer.
I have a Czech one, too. One too.
What makes gays and lawyers happy?
New mandates
A married man goes into a confessional and says to his priest..
"I had an affair with a woman… almost." The priest says, "What do you mean, almost?" The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest says, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say 5 Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box." The man leaves the confessional, says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly runs over to him saying, "I saw that, you didn't put any money in the poor box!" The man replies, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and apparently that's the same as putting it in."
Doctor’s Affair
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. Six months went by, and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you." Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the hospital emergency room. The head medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti – Two with sausage and meatballs; two without."
A blonde woman gets on a plane to Detroit and heads for a seat in first class, despite having an economy ticket…
A short while into the flight an air hostess notices she's in the wrong section of the plane and asks her to return to her allocated seat. The blond simply replied "no". Shocked and confused, the hostess insisted once more that she move, but the blond refused again. The hostess leaves to go get help from other attendants. Multiple women try their luck at explaining to the blond that she's in the wrong seat, but none prevail. Eventually, they seek the help of the Captain. "She's blonde, you say?" queried the Captain. The hostess' nod. "Shouldn't be an issue, my wife is blonde" The Captain gets up and approaches the woman – the hostess' watching from a distance. After a few seconds the blond quickly gathers her things and heads back to her seat. The Captain returns to the hostess'. Amazed, they ask how he did it. "It's simple, really" he said, "I just told her first class wasn't flying to Detroit" My mate told me this one when we were in 4th grade, I randomly just remembered it so I thought I'd share. It's not laugh-out-loud funny, but I think it warrants a short exhale out the nose <3
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.
"Did you know that geese kill more humans than sharks each year?" the guy asks the bartender. "Yes, but let's be fair about it," the bartender replies. "It's really hard for a goose to kill a shark."
I was wondering why Music was coming from my printer..
Apparently the paper was Jamming.
So I told my friend that this guy that hosted a party had a golden toilet
He didn't believe me one bit. So we went to the guy's house and when the door opened, it was his mother. We asked if I could show my friend your golden toilet because he doesn't believe it. She looked at me for a while, then shouted back into the house, "Rick, the guy who shit in your trumpet is here!"
My wife and I bought a water bed recently but ever since then…
…weβve drifted apart.
Last Name Only
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. βWhatβs your name?β he asked the new guy. βJohn,β the new guy replied. The manager scowled, βLook… I donβt know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I donβt call anyone by his or her first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only … Smith, Jones, Baker .β¦ Thatβs all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, whatβs your last name?β The new guy sighed, βDarling. My name is John Darling.β βOkay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . .β
The other day I told a girl, βYou look great without glasses.β
Girl: βI donβt wear glasses.β Me, while polishing my lenses: βNo, but I do.β
If life gives you melons
you might be dyslexic
The Furniture store kept calling me.
All I wanted was one night stand.
distance raptor over time raptor equals…
VELOCIRAPTOR -heehee physics jokes
Did you hear about the electrician who played guitar?
He was really good with his chord changes
The parade has been on for more than 1.5 minutes and now I’m confused…
… because at the beginning, the announcer clearly said "Welcome to the 90-second Thanksgiving Day parade!"
The elevator to heaven has been broken for 8 hours.
Can God create a lift on which he can't wait?
Much more sad than funny, if he could only go a few days with out alienating the base.
https://ift.tt/2TBinOr
Losing weight is a piece of cake.
Just donβt pick it up.
HELP MY HATS ARE STUCK
MY CAPS LOCKED
What’s the fastest liquid on Earth?
Milk. It's pasteurized before you see it.
Haunted French Pancakes…
….really give me the crΓͺpes.
Never assume what your friends have been up to
Three ducks walk into a bar. Bar man asks the first duck: βWhatβs your name, and how was your day?β The duck replies: βItβs Huey and itβs been great, Iβve been in and out of puddles all day. Give me a beer, pleaseβ. The bar man asks the second duck the same, βItβs Dewey, and Iβve also been in and out of puddles all day. Give me a beer, pleaseβ. Finally he turns to the third duck: βso you must be Louie?β βNoβ she replies, βI'm Puddles. And donβt ask. Just give me a whiskey, neat.β
What do you call a hipster’s wife?
Mississippi!
A farmer counted 387 cows in his field.
But when he rounded them up he had 400.
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting…
He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair." "What I want you to do…" the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong." So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
My grandfather died because the medics mistakenly thought he had Type A blood.
Turns out it was a typo.
My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, “How can I stop my addiction?”
"Whatever means necessary," she replied. "No it doesn't," I said.
Did you hear about the actor that fell through the floor boards?
Don't worry, he was just going through a stage.
I got hit in the head by a soda can the other day…
Luckily, it was a soft drink!
A guy gets horny during his first week on a pirate ship…
So he goes up to the captain and asks "What do you guys use when you get horny?" The captain says: "There's a barrel over there with a hole in it; we use that". Guy: "Great when can I use it?" Captain: "You can use it any day of the week, except Tuesday". Guy: "Why not Tuesday?" The captain grinned and said: "Cause that's your day in the barrel."
My wife told me im unable to describe my feelings
Canβt say that Iβm surprised