Does this count?
Donald Trump is exiting the White House and heading into his limo…
…when someone pulls out a gun and aims it at him. A newbie secret service agent, spotting it first yells:"MICKEY MOUSE!". The would be assassin stops in confusion, giving the other agents time to pin down and arrest him. When the press reports were over, the newbies supervisor asks him:"Im confused, why did you shout Mickey Mouse?" "I freaked out" he answers."I meant to shout DONALD DUCK!"
No carpet!
I told my contractor I didn't want carpet on the steps. He gave me a blank stair.
I showed up late to the Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting.
Needless to say, all the seats were already taken.
I was caught by a gang of mimes.
They performed unspeakable acts on me…
A priest, a monk, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank
The rabbit says, "I'm a type O."
If Jesus was real they wouldn’t call it the crucifixion
They would call it crucifact.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It’s OK though…
I know where to draw the line..
Two caterpillars are escaping a spider. They climb up a branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped…
"Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar and he quickly chews through the branch. It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and uses them to steer the branch through the air with grace and finesse. "That's amazing!!" says the second caterpillar. "How in the hell are you doing that?!" The first caterpillar scoffs. "Am I the only one in the whole damn forest who knows how to drive a stick!?"
Why do pirates love Reddit?
It's the best place to exchange stolen content for gold.
A man knocked on my door today and asked for a small donation for the local swimming pool…
So I gave him a glass of water…
Girl: come over
Guy: I’m coming over Girl: we should stop using walkie talkies in bed over
How do you get Trump to change a lightbulb?
Tell him Obama put it in
Which weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
A gallon of water. Butane is lighter fluid.
Dad I’m cold
Dad: go to the corner it's 90°
The opposite of isolate is
yousoearly.
So I hear they are going to start using bio diesel made from herbs for trains…..
….maybe ours will now run on Thyme.
Shrödinger’s Homo Thought Experiment
I would like to take this time to discuss the thought experiment of Schrödinger’s Homo. You all have probably heard of Schrödinger’s Cat, as well as people saying “no homo” after a seemingly homosexual type of interaction. I believe there is a problem in this philosophy. If you do not think, or say anything that implies the existence of there being homo, then therefore, we do not know if there is homo in the situation. However, by saying “no homo”, you immediately imply the possible existence of homo in the situation, and therefore, there is homo and you have ruined the entire situation. Therefore by saying “no homo” it does actually mean that it is homo.
Only one person can stop LeBron
That's LeBrain….
My family has a genetic predisposition for diarrhoea.
It runs in our jeans.
(sigh)
My dad and his sibling were talking and they just kept going on about how there generation is more hardworking and we’re all lazy 🤦♀️. I wanted to say ok boomer so badly.
A sandwich walks into a bar.
The bartender say, “ we don’t serve food here”
Why is it tough to tell jokes to kleptomaniacs?
Because they keep taking the jokes- literally.
A feminist told me about the “Dwayne Johnson Rule”
The rule, as she explained it, was that in order to determine if a particular comment was appropriate to say to a woman, first ask yourself, 'Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson?' If not, don't say it. I thought this sounded like a good rule. So I told her: "I think the stubble suits you!"
This STEM discord server has enough energy to emit light In the visual spectrum 🔥
https://ift.tt/37QiCtg
I really want to work at a place that sells mirrors
It’s something I could always see myself doing
I just watched a documentary on beavers.
Best dam movie I've ever seen.
Two years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf…
I haven’t heard from him since…
