Does this count?
What was Icarus’s favorite food?
Hot wings!
I just found out that my cousin with a stuttering problem died in prison.
He didn’t even finish his sentence.
I didn’t think wearing orthopedic shoes would help
But I stand corrected.
My favourite joke: Now Hiring
A dog sees a "Now hiring" poster outside of a computer store. The poster reads: "Must be able to type. Must be able to program. And must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer." The dog takes the poster in his mouth, and walks in. The manager spots the dog, and decides to humour it, pulling up a chair and a computer with a word processor. "Alright, if you want to work here, you need to first write a letter," and leaves the room. 30 minutes later, he comes back in, and the dog has typed out a completely error-free letter. "Well, I'll be. This is a smart dog. But can he program?" he asks himself. 20 minutes pass, and the dog has made a perfectly running "Hello, world" program. He looks, shocked, at the dog, and finally speaks. "Look, I know you have the qualifications, but, well… you're a dog." The dog nudges the words "We are an equal opportunity employer." on the poster, and the manager sighs. "There's no way you're bilingual." The dog looks him in the eyes, and says, "Meow."
Why People Still Use “Woke” Like They Do, I Have No Idea
Why People Still Use “Woke” Like They Do, I Have No Idea
What’s the suicide bomber’s worst fear?
Dying alone.
I only believe in 12.5% of the Bible…
That makes me an eighth theist.
I hate it when kids write “angle” instead of “angel”.
They’re just trying to be edgy.
Getting ladies to stop eating Tide pods was relatively easy.
But for whatever reason, it was much more difficult to deter gents.
How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?
Only two: One to promise a bright future and another one to screw it up.
What’s E.T. short for?
He’s only got little legs.
Hey girl, are you my Physics examination paper?
Because I can stare at you for 3 hours and not understand a single thing
If you are on a blind date, try using one of the jokes you read on this sub as an icebreaker.
That way, you can make sure they’re not some weirdo who reads /r/dadjokes.
I was at a bar when
A woman at a table a few feet away from me sneezed and her glass eye came out and I caught it. I handed it back to her and she popped it in and said thank you. She was a beautiful woman. Gorgeous face stunning body and a beautiful smile to boot. The woman of my dreams right in front of me. A few moments pass by and she comes up to me and asks for my number and I looked around the room. Surely she must’ve been mistaken. I said “ who me?!!!?” She said “yes of course you. I don’t usually do this kind of thing but you just sort of caught my eye.”
I just can’t stand those Russian nesting dolls.
They are so full of themselves.
Two years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf…
I haven’t heard from him since…
A guy walks in to a psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts
The psychiatrist says "Well I can clearly see your nuts"
Why do valley girls hang out in odd numbered groups?
Because they can't even.
I was shocked when my doctor told me all my fingers were broken after my accident.
It was hard to grasp.
My wife told me: “Sex is better on holiday.”
That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.
Knock knock / Who’s there? / Broken pencil / Broken pencil who?
Nevermind it’s pointless.
Why is the mens bathroom always on the left?
Because women are always right.
what do you call a canoe that’s 50% off?
A sale boat.
What did Netflix do when they found uncensored shots of Sandra Bullock’s vagina in Bird Box?
Bandersnatch. I'm sorry.
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage…
when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin." The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age." The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods." "Tiger Woods, the golfer?" "Yeah." "Well, he is rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him." The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He would come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He would come back to bed and do it again." The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."
My boss told me to have a good afternoon…
so I went home.
My wife said that I should start paying more attention to what’s going on around me.
I’ll try harder in 2018.
Why is 77 better than 69?
You get 8 more!
I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday.
Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.