Does this count?
What do you call a spinning potato?
A ro-tator!
What’s Irish and comes out in the spring?
Paddy O'Furniture
If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had…
Does money even matter?
Why can’t your nose be 12 inches long?
Cause then it would be a foot….
Her: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won't that confuse people who are trying to call us?
Which planet has the most bread?
Jupitta
I stole a wig
I just didn't want toupee for it
A Labour politician, a BBC TV reporter and a British SAS soldier were captured by ISIS…
They were, as usual, sentenced to death by beheading. Unexpectedly, the ISIS leader said they could have one last request before their sentence was carried out… The Labour politician asked to hear a rendering of "Keep the Red Flag Flying Here". The BBC TV reporter asked that the beheading be television so that even when she was dead, her face was still on TV. The British SAS soldier asked to be kicked three times in the arse hard. As the SAS soldiers request was unusual, ISIS decided to carry his request out first. As the kick landed, the SAS soldier pulled a hidden 9mm Glock pistol out of his smock, shot three terrorists dead. He then grabbed one of the fallen terrorists AK47s and shot dead the rest of the terrorists. The other two prisoners were amazed, and asked why he requested to be kicked three times before he drew his weapon. "Because" said the soldier "When we get back to the UK. I don't want you fucking pair of politically correct clowns saying it was an "unprovoked attack"..
What’s a great example of click bait?
No text found
I never wanted to believe, that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home,
All the signs were there.
I’ve heard the Canadian Prime-Minister has a French last name.
Is this Trudeau?
My coworker Jim sits next to another coworker, Collin. One day, Jim replaced the nametag on his cubicle to also say Collin
I asked him, "Jim, your name isn't Collin. What's going on?" He replied, "We're trying to Collin-ize the area." (True story)
I got fired from my job at the bank today.
An old woman came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
When does a joke become a “dad” joke?
When the punchline is a parent.
[Picture] Im selling a microwave on facebook and asked my dad to send me pictures of the inside of it to show a buyer.
I wasn't disappointed https://imgur.com/gallery/gCDyE8C
If I could rearrange the alphabet I’d move U
Cause you’re blocking the TV
What do you call a communist sniper?
A Marx-man
Why did the Mexican take some Xanax?
For Hispanic attacks.
What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland?
Well, the flag is a big plus.
Jeff Bezos: “Alexa, send nudes to my secret admirer.”
Alexa: "Got it. Sending nudes to the National Enquirer."
The spread of COVID-19 is based on two factors
How dense the population is How dense the population is
Guys I tried to think of a social distancing joke
but this is as close as I could get
What is the tallest building in the world?
The library,it's got the most stories
Robin: “The Batmobil isn’t starting!” Batman: “Did you charge the battery?”
Robin: “What the hell is a tery?”
My teenage son treats me like a god.
He acts like I don't exist, until he wants something.
What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion?
One electron.
Where does the neckbeard get his water?
The well, actually.
