Does this count?
What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like The Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi dooooo!!!!!!!!!!
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9.
The odds were against me. Edit: Thanks so much!! This is my first award!
The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week…
There was no coffin at his funeral!
Double Negative !
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.” “However,” he pointed out, “there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.” A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah. Right.”
I’m allergic to death.
It causes me to start coffin.
I got thrown out of my local park after arranging the squirrels by height.
They didn't like me critter sizing.
I was always told to we should celebrate our mistakes
I guess that's why my mum throws me a birthday party every year
I’m annoyed because I had to work at the museum tonight moving suits of armour.
I hate knight shifts.
If i had a dime for every time i didn’t understand what’s going on.
I'd be like: "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class wank him off.
I said “ son, that’s 3 schools this year… maybe teaching isn’t for you.”
What’s Jesus’s favourite hobby
Cross fit
What do you call a communist during winter?
A snowviet
Listen in the shell, Agustin – Thanks dad, I’ve already downloaded the sea sound app.
https://ift.tt/2Rbu90Z
Why is booze better than carrots?
Carrots may be good for your eyes but booze will double your vision.
Never marry an archaeologist
They're always digging up the past.
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza today
Should have cooked it at aloha temperature
Apparently nobody knows why Notre Dame caught fire….
…but Quasimodo has a hunch.
classic
classic
We don’t need facemasks for corona anymore
we can use coughy filters
“I made a pencil with two erasers.”
"It was pointless."
I tried the “If you love something, set it free” thing.
But my kids are still here.
Does my Thai girlfriend have a penis?
Something inside me says yes
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?
GLOVES! Nah, just kidding… He still hasn't unwrapped his present.
What do you call a belt made out of hundred dollar bills?
A waist of money.
My friend told me, “My girlfriend keeps asking me if I’m an Alice in Wonderland character, and it’s getting really annoying!”
“Are you mad at her?” I asked. He responded, “Geez! Don’t you start too!”
I never quite understood dolphins…
I mean, what’s their porpoise?
Tequila wont fix your life..
..But its definitely worth a shot.
Dad: “Knock, knock!” Kid: “Who’s there?”
Dad: Spell! Kid: Spell who? Dad: W… H… O…
Someone pooped in the water hole again.
Well shit.
Today I hit my son in the head with a soda can
Lucky it was a soft drink
A lumberjack walks into an enchanted forest. As he goes to chop down a tree, it calls out. “Wait, don’t chop me down. I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack smiles. "And you will dialogue."
Did you hear Marry Poppins stopped wearing lipstick whilst giving head?
Apparently the super color fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious
geology totally rocks but geography is where it’s at
i’m new to this subreddit 🏃🏽♀️