Does this count?
Siri kept calling me Shirley this morning. I was starting to get really pissed off, and then I realized why…
I left my phone in Airplane mode
My ex got hit with a bus and I lost my job as a bus driver.
The leaning tower of pisa
It's my second language
But it just felt Forced.
It's on the house
Self raising flour
The Pacific Ocean
I wonder what she's up to now 🤔
It was here a minute ago
When they dug the remains up they saw that the skeleton had a fine layer of chocolate on it and after months of intense research they discovered that it was the remains of the famous Pharaoh Rocher.
Girl: “I don’t wear glasses.” Me, while polishing my lenses: “No, but I do.”
He didn't. He used the sidewalk.
Me: I poured some concrete once. Son: Was that really hard? Me: It is now. (This took place at lunch earlier today. Was followed by groans all around.)
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
"Whom, sweetheart?" "Mike the mailman." "Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!" "But mom, age is just a number." "Sweetheart, I don't think you understood."
I guess I need to re-pair it.
But she told me she's already seeing someone.
A dwarf walks into a brothel with a honeycomb and a jackass. The madam asks how she can help him. He says "I need a woman for mine has left me." The madam says "Whatever for? And what are the honeycomb and jackass for?" The dwarf says, "my wife found a genie that could grant her three wishes. For the first wish she asked for a house fit for a queen, so he gave her this honeycomb, the second wish she asked for the nicest ass in all the land, so he gave her this Jackass. The madam then asks "what about the third wish?" "She asked the genie for my cock to hang down past my knee." "That's not so bad." "Not so bad?" Spluttered the dwarf "I used to be 6 foot 3!"
Because they have mass
Two English tourists were driving through Wales.At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch they stopped for lunch they asked the waitress: “Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument.Can you pronounce where we are,very,very,slowly?”
The girl leaned over and said: “Burrr… gurrr… King.”
Because it's made of hide
Inmate: It’s bec.. Officer: Yes? Inmate: I think I have.. Officer: Go on. Inmate: Can I Please finish my sentence? Officer: Sure. Parole denied.
They can’t get rid of their bills