Does this work? Made me laugh
A Cowboy walks into a bar
Two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. But what the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink." When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your penis?" The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that, All I want is a drink." The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It,' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his, Snickers, because it really Satisfies.'" The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left. Who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of Yours?" The man looks back and says with a smile "Timex." The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!" A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fellow's on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?" The first man turns to him and proudly claims, FORD, because 'Quality is Job One.'' Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford Lately?" The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY….'Like A Rock!" and gives a wink. Even more shaken the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is 'SECRET.' Now give me a beer." The bartender begins to pour the Cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asked,"Why Secret? That's a women's deodorant." The cowboy says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!
I’ll tell you a corona virus joke now…
But you will have to wait two weeks to see if you got it.
My wife accused me of having an affair with a woman from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerwchllyndrobwllllandysiliogogogoch.
I said, "How can you say such a thing?!"
I’ve been trying for ages to buy a supermarket conveyor belt divider…
…but the cashier always keeps putting it back!
So I just got my wife with this one… She asked to go to Victoria’s Secret to buy some new underwear… She complained that her favorite pairs had holes in them…
I said "of course they have holes in them, how else are you supposed to get your legs through?" I could feel the eye roll from across the room
A young man gathers his courage and decides to come out as being gay to his mother and father
They're both reasonably shocked, but are very supportive. They assure him that they still love him, and wish he'd told them sooner. Everything seems to be going great, until the father poses a question to his son that makes the young man really think. "How are you going to focus on college if you're spending all your time being a moderator on Reddit?"
A man tried putting ten jokes in a newspaper competition to win a car
But no pun-in-ten-did
It’s amazing how Seasons work. I’m in Japan, it’s mid December and I’m freezing…
But apparently back in the England it's the end of May.
Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're really good at it.
I phoned up the wine shop.
I said, "Hi, do you do deliveries?" He said, "Yes, sir. Of course." "Superb," I said, "I've got a Domino's Pizza ready to pick up."
My daughter has started asking me questions about the human body
I thought I locked the basement I don't know how she keeps getting down there
Did you hear about the soldier that lost his legs?
They say he was defeated in battle
Modern comic relying on a 1970s/early 80s commercial reference for Reese’s cups
https://ift.tt/33ypmvc
A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun.
Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun. "Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you." The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her. "Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!" The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. Before you know it, they're getting down to it. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise. "Ha, ha! I'm the man from the bus!" "Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume. "I'm the bus driver!"
Scientists have grown human vocal cords in a petri dish.
The results speak for themselves.
I’m so good at sleeping
I could do it with my eyes closed
I am ok with alcohol, cigarettes, and even marijuana.
But cocaine is where I draw the line.
Have you ever tried eating a clock?
It's time consuming.
2020 is going to be a great year.
I can see it so clearly.
PETA is like a box of chocolates
They kill dogs
Why couldn’t the Mexican archer use his bow?
He didn’t habanero.
I’ve been happily married for ten whole years.
And ten out of thirty isn’t bad.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?”
I said: "Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you."
How are one handed people so independent?
Because they do everything single-handedly.
Donald J. Trump has been impeached
Finally, something he's earned
Invisible Man Job Offer
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it.
What did one nut say as he chased another nut?
I'm a cashew!
