Does your dick touch your asshole?
A father and son are sitting on the porch and the father starts drinking a beer.
Son: "Hey Dad, can I try a sip of your beer?"
Father: "Tell me son… does your dick touch your asshole?"
Son: "No, it doesn't."
Father: "Then no, you can't have any."
The father finishes his beer and lights up a cigarette.
Son: "Dad, can I try your cigarette?"
Father: "Does your dick touch your asshole?"
Son: "No."
Father: "Then you can't try it."
The pair head to a convenience store to pick up more beer and smokes. The father decides to buy a couple scratch tickets and gives one to his son. They scratch away and the father's is a loser, but the son wins $500.
Father: "Say boy, I bought that ticket for you. You're going to share that with me, right?"
Son: "I don't know, Dad. Does your dick touch your asshole?"
Father, proudly: "Why yes it does!"
Son: "Good, go fuck yourself."
I WRITE ALL MY PUNS IN CAPITALS
THIS ONE WAS WRITTEN IN OSLO!
A Mexican actor died while performing stunts for a movie.
During the funeral, his mother walks towards the director and says, "Jesus died for your scenes."
I find radishes to be kind of cool.
No text found
I love how the Earth rotates
It makes my day
42M with toilet paper seeking female with hand sanitiser …
… for some good clean fun
r/ProgrammerHumor best of 2019 nominations thread
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If Satan ever loses his hair…
…there will be hell toupee.
My friend David got his id stolen
So now we call him Dav
Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) Iโm sorry but your wife didnโt make it
Me: (handing baby back to him) bring me the one my wife made
Thank you, student loans, for helping me get through college.
I don't think I can ever repay you.
When your project had 300+ bugs, but insted of correcting them you make 300+ workarounds
https://ift.tt/2Q7RSOP
3 in 5 people suffer from anxiety.
If you're one of those people, don't worry.
I heard this guy whispering a lot of Pokemon jokes to his friend…
…but I couldn't catch them all.
What’s Irish and comes out in the spring?
Paddy O'Furniture
I’ve washed my hands so many times this week
That I revealed cheat notes from a calculus test from 1972
To the guy who invented zero
Thanks for nothing.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in the pan?
You take away its broom.
I was drinking at a bar so i took the bus home
Seemed like a good idea at the time but i've never driven a bus before…
When does a joke become a dad-joke?
When it's apparent
What do you call an ugly dinosaur?
An eyesaur
What’s a pirate’s favorite letter.
P. Without it they're irate.
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married…
The ceremony wasnโt much, but the reception was excellent.
A man answers the door and sees two police officers standing there.
Officer: I'm sorry, but it looks like your wife has been in a horrible car accident Husband: But she has a great personality.
Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're really good at it.
Little 8-year-old Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the youngster was doing, he asked: โWhat are you doing there, Nancy?โ
โMy goldfish died,โ Nancy sobbed. โAnd Iโve just buried him.โ The obnoxious neighbour laughed and said condescendingly: โThatโs a really big hole for a little goldfish, donโt you think?โ Nancy patted down the last heap of earth with her shovel and replied: โThatโs because heโs inside your cat.โ
A vegan said to me, “People who sell meat are disgusting.”
I said, "People who sell vegetables and fruits are grocer."
Iโm never again donating money to anyone collecting for a marathon.
They just take the money and run.
My last relationship ended because I didnโt open the car door for her.
Instead I just swam for the surface.
Presidents
Two guys, one American, one Russian, are discussing their presidents: โ We despise our president, you know, when Trump is out in the crowd, everyone throws eggs, fruits – saw somebody throwing a pineapple at him; he get spit a lot and we swear at him aloud … โ Here, In Russia, when Putin passes by, everybody urinates on him, but you know, everybody! – Well, let's be serious; I exaggerated a little … we swear at Trump, but in a whisper … we throw at him … but in front of our TVs … – Well, I exaggerated a bit as well … We really urinate, but we don't put our pants down … [Now: not a native speaker, so mistakes should be overlooked, of course, I hope it's not a repost]