Doesn’t work on light mode users
A blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana
.She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but didn't want to pay the high prices. After unsuccessfully haggling with of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde said, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price." Later in the day, the shopkeeper spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. She took aim at an alligator, killed it and hauled it onto the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blonde flipped the alligator on its back and shouted in frustration, "Damn, this one isn't wearing any shoes either."
well i got 253iq, thank you kelvin
Figured I would update a classic, with a little elbow grease and photoshop.
Apparently the inventor of auto-correct has died.
His funeral is next monkey.
Why do tigers have stripes?
They don't want to be spotted.
What concert costs $0.45?
A 50 cent and nickelback concert.
2moro for sure
My grandmother just sent me this
What’s Forrest Gumps password?
Calculus is Ramsay!
I was kicked out of the neighborhood pool for peeing in the deep end
The lifeguard noticed and blew his whistle so loud I almost fell in
I almost got caught stealing a board game today…
But it was a Risk I was willing to take…
The Divine Move!
Saw this in today’s paper on a restaurant bulletin
NSFW What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
One is a Goodyear, one is a great year.
Funny and sad. God bless you
He should’ve bought some of Alex Jones’ toothpaste. 😬
I can relate and I hate it.
Marketing department of Sun
Puns make me numb
Math puns make me number
Microsoft finally integrates Bing into… Notepad? Who asked for this?
Capitalism in a pandemic
It was the mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift certificate envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine imported cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At each of the houses along his route, he was met with congratulations, farewells, cards, and gifts of all types and values. At the final house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful young blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where they had a most passionate liaison. Afterwards, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "…..but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you?" He said, "…Scr*w him ………give him a dollar." The blonde then blushed and said, "….But the breakfast was my idea."
In case you don’t know Yoda’s last name
It is LAYHEEHOO
My mother used to tell me this joke time and again when I was a child.
A mosquito got old enough to fly on his own, when he came back his mother was happily waiting for him. -"How was your first flight, my dear?" The mother asked. -"Amazing." He answered "Everyone thought I was doing great!" -"Oh yeah? What makes you think that?" -"Well, wherever I went people started clapping!"
A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport.
It was after midnight. While enroute to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For 100 dollars, the cabby agreed. Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!" Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?" The cabby said, "I'd cover his ass up with that blanket before he catches a cold."
I circumcise elephants for a living.
It doesn’t pay much but the tips are huge.
Pragmatism in action…
A pretty girl kissed me today
I wish I could post this in another subreddit.
Their Face Reveal Went Well
Equal and opposite reaction I guess
Be like docker!
Did you know Bill Burr has a brother that is a lumberjack?
His name is Tim
It’s incredible how many people confuse “to” and “too”.
It’s amazing two me.
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Canada just checking in on the neighbours.
Why do ducks make great detectives?
They always quack the case.
Who are they
Those hind legs
Frontend dev VS backend dev
humans be like: i call this one the smart ape
I don’t what to say really…
Ooh, self-burn! Those are rare!
Want to hear my latest joke about the Fibonacci sequence?
It's as good as my previous two Fibonacci sequence jokes put together!
My teacher told me I’d never be good at poetry because I’m dyslexic.
But so far I've made three jugs and a vase and they're lovely.
Two old Jews are walking past a church
A sign out front reads, "Convert to Catholicism, get $20." The first Jew keeps walking, but soon notices his friend has stopped to take a closer look at the sign. "You're not actually thinking about doing that, are you?" he asks his friend. The second Jew turns back and says, "I don't know, twenty dollars is twenty dollars." He goes inside the Church, and comes back out about thirty minutes later. "So," says the first Jew, "did you get the twenty dollars?" The second Jew turns to his friend and says, "Oy, is that all you people think about?"
Corona bad, husband worse.
I don’t get anti-vaxxers.
If you want a trial version of a kid why don't you borrow your friend's and babysit it instead of letting your own expire?
I woke up this morning and saw my neighbor slumped over his lawn mower, crying his eyes out.
He was growing through a rough patch.
It takes an incredible amount of energy to hate someone this much
Machine Learning Fun
The CEO of a hardware company calls in his top ad man and tells him, “We need a new TV spot for our B&Q Nails line.”
A week later, the ad man comes back with a videotape and pops it into the VCR in the CEO's office. The commercial starts and the CEO sees Jesus being nailed to the cross while a voice over says, "B&Q nails: they get the job done." The CEO is irritated and says, "That is completely unacceptable! We are NOT using that!" A week passes, and the ad man returns with another tape. The new tape shows Jesus hanging on the cross in the background, and in the foreground a centurion turns to the camera and says, "B&Q nails: they hold anything!" The CEO is furious and yells, "JESUS IS NOT GETTING NAILED TO THE CROSS WITH B&Q NAILS, PERIOD!" Another week goes by, and the ad man comes back with a third tape. This time Jesus sprints down the street with a group of centurions in pursuit. As he passes the camera one of the centurions turns and says, "We should have used B&Q nails!"
A saw a man with the hood on his coat jumping up and down
A saw a man with the hood on his coat jumping up and down. People were going crazy, throwing money at it. I asked him if he makes a living like that, he said, "Yes, it's my livelihood."
What do you call an amphibian that goes to space?
Woman prostitute, snowman good, erectyle disfunction bad
For protection against being called a boomer, you can now designate your generation via a user flair.
Stay safe out there.Addition sub changes:Ability to report common repostsAbility to report NSFW posts that need to be marked NSFW
That’s very octet of you