Dog offers to help clean pool.
What’s E.T. short for?
Because he’s got little legs
I never understood why people are surprised to hear Elvis died on the toilet.
Historically it's rare for a King to leave the throne alive.
I thought taking a job as a ski instructor would be great.
But it really went downhill fast.
The Dow Jones drops more than 2000 points today. How long before Trump blames Obama?
https://ift.tt/2IAyOVb
I was sitting on a bus with a friend and he told me this joke…
What do you do if you see an Epileptic having a fit in the bath? Throw in your laundry. The guy behind us leaned over and said "I think that's disgusting. My son died in the bath whilst having a fit." We both went white and apologised. The guy got up to get off and said, "he choked on a sock."
A demon caught three men, an American, an Indian, and a Brit.
The demon said that he is going to eat them. But being in good mood he gave them chance to escape death and go home, should they pass his test: survive three strikes of his whip. He also said that they can wish for any one thing to protect themselves against the whip. The American gone first. He wished for a shield made of titanum steel. But the shild held only for two strikes. At the first strike of the demonic whip it severely deformed, at the second strike it protected the American, but completely fell appart. The third strike killed the poor American. Then came the Indian. "I don't need anything to protect myself.", said the Indian. "I practiced yoga for decades, both my mind and my body are ready to withstand any punishment that you whip will give." And so he did. Demon's whip didn't leave even a scar on yogi's body . "Okay, you passed my test", the demon said,"You can go". "I will stick around for while, I'm curious about what the Brit will do." The demon asked the Brit: "Now it's your turn. What will you use to protect yourself?". "Why, the Indian, of course!".
Why did the console player cross the road?
To render the buildings
Hey bro, can you hand me that pamphlet?
Brochure.
A truck loaded with Vicks Vaporub overturned on the highway
Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours
Sleeping is so easy
I can do it with my eyes closed.
Why was 2019 afraid of 2020
Because they had a fight and 2021
The Pope walks into a Mosque.
The Imam says “Why the wrong faith?”
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly…
and as you can see, they were Wright.
My new welcome mat is made of hemp
It’s a gateway rug
5 y/o me when I heard that two people with both the same name are in a serious relationship…
https://ift.tt/3cR7gIM
In case you were wondering, chocolate identifies as female.
Preferred pronouns are Her/she
I love to set things on fire. So does my wife. So does our kid.
The first time he set a building on fire, I turned to my wife and said, "yep, that's arson."
I’ve decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I’m too scrawny…
I just gave them my too weak notice…
If you touch an electric fence on purpose…
…does it still count as a shock?
A man goes to do the doctor for a physical. He tells the not to be alarmed but he has 5 penises.
The doctor says, “5 penises!? How do you pants fit?” The man replies “Like a glove.”
If we make it past 2020, I’ll be dreading 2022.
After all, 2022 is 2020, too!
An escort goes to the hospital
She is a few hours away from getting a heart transplant and quite nervous. She asks the surgeon, “Doctor, what if my body rejects it?” The surgeon replies, “Well, you’re in good health apart from your heart. What do you do for a living?” She shyly admits, “Um, actually I’ve been working as a prostitute since I was eighteen.” “I see… and how old are you now?” He Enquired. “Thirty four – but may I ask where this is going?” She replied anxiously. “Well,” said the surgeon after some thought, “if you haven’t rejected an organ for the last sixteen years, it’s unlikely that you’ll start now.”
My dog once retrieved a stick from 1 mile away
I know, it sounds a little far fetched.
How much does a pirate pay to get his ears pierced?
A buck an ear.
I’m not sure if I like toast.
On the upside, it’s buttered. But on the downside, it’s not.
I went to the doctors wanting a brain transplant
They changed my mind
I’m sure Trump will explain everything to Lindsey and it’ll all be fine in a couple days.
https://ift.tt/2IGWeZw
How do you fix a broken pumpkin?
With a pumpkin patch!
A man and his wife go to a therapist.
Therapist: What brought you two here today? Her: I hate how he takes things so literally. Therapist: And you? Him: A car.
What do you call a deaf gynecologist?
A lip reader.
The creator of the throat lozenge has died.
There will be no coffin at his funeral.
Police have arrested the world tongue twister champion…
…they say he will be given a tough sentence
Why did the student Google all the topics related to his essay twice?
Because he was asked to research.
I quit my job as a postman when they handed me my first letter to deliver.
I looked at it and thought, “This isn’t for me.”
What Apple interviews must be like for Software Engineers post iOS 14 (Virtual Onsite Zoom)
https://youtu.be/QR5v579LsWA
“Everything left of Reagan is Communism” – What a magat at work actually told me on Friday.
https://ift.tt/2PNG3Og
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said:
Y’know, one would’ve been enough.