doggo
I’ll always remember what my grandfather said to me just before he kicked the bucket.
He said, "Grandson…How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
How many introverts does it take to change a lightbulb?
Why does it have to be a group activity
A plane went down over the ocean, and three of the survivors end up stranded on a remote tropical island.
They don't get very far before a tribe of cannibals capture them and bring them back to their village as prisoners. One of the men says "Please don't eat us! We'll do anything!". The cannibal's chief decides to have a bit of fun with them and says "Oh? Well then, go into the forest and come back with 10 pieces of the same fruit." So the men break off and search for fruit. First one comes back with a 10 apples. The chief says "If you can shove those up your ass without making a sound, we wont eat you." He barely fits the one before he whimpers in pain so the cannibals eat him. Now the second guy makes it back with a 10 cherries. Chief says "Like I told the last guy, if you can shove those up your ass without a sound, you can live." Its going pretty well, and the man has only a few left when he suddenly starts laughing uncontrollably, so they eat him. Now the spirits of the two dead men meet in heaven, and the first says "Man you were so close! Why would you start laughing?!?" The second guy responds "Because I saw the third guy coming back with pineapples!"
If anyone says you have to work 365 days in 2020 in order to succeed, they don’t have your best interests in mind and is preaching toxic hustle culture
You need to work 366 days cause it’s a leap year
What does a law student and a recovering alcoholic have in common?
They both have to pass the bar.
What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?
"Are you having a crisis?"
What do you get when you cross Father’s Day and Cake day?
Extra Karma… I hope.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have little anty bodies
What are terminators called when they retire?
Exterminators
I tried to trade a deer for fireworks
I want the best bang for my buck
Nature is starting to have more graphics in video games.
Nature is starting to have more graphics in video games.
People ask me where I store all my dad jokes.
In a dad-a-base
Why did the writer have his desk next to the window?
He liked to feel the draft coming in.
White people are always annoyed that only black people can say the n word, but white people have some phrases only they can say too
Things like “Hi Dad!” and “Thanks for the warning, officer.”
A robber enters a bank, he pulls out a gun, and he shouts: “Everyone on the ground. This is a robbery!”. Immediately, everyone in the bank drops down with their hands on their heads except for one man reading a newspaper.
The man lowers his newspaper and begins to stare at the robber with an amused look on his face. It makes the robber angry, so he walks towards the man, puts the gun to his face, and asks him: "what so funny, ha? You want to get shot?". The man's amused look turns into a smile as he answers the robber back: "You are joking right?". The robber, bursting with anger, places the gun one inch away from the man's face and says: "Say that again. I dare you". The man, who was previously completely relaxed, is now getting a bit worried. He lowers his newspaper further and says: "No, really. You are not serious, are you?". The robber sticks the gun into the man's forehead and threatens with a more serious tone: "One more word and I swear I am pulling the trigger". The man, no longer showing the slightest hint of amusement, says: "Look, there is a first time to everything, but this is unbelievable. Do you really have any idea of what you are doing?". "that is it!" the robber snaps. "I have a gun, you are unarmed, everybody else is scared to death, and there are zero guards in here! Don't you understand the situation? I completely got this under control!". At this point, the man puts down his newspaper with an honest, concerned look on his face. He looks the robber in the eye and says: "Dude, this is a blood bank".
I proposed to my girlfriend in the gym yesterday
But it didn't workout.
I was well on my way to becoming a millionaire
I had a sex toy business that specialized in gold plated butt plugs. One day I got a cease and desist letter from Apple. Apparently they hold the patent on overpriced shit for assholes.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up
“Well just tell your mother we ate it all…” – Jim’s Dad
“Well just tell your mother we ate it all…” – Jim’s Dad
What is the best Donald Trump joke you’ve heard?
Don’t know if this one is in here yet, but here goes: Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings. The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”. (No, not the punch line yet) So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that’d be a tragedy.” “Not quite”, says Mr. Trump, “that would be an accident.” A little girl raises her hand: “if a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.” “I’m afraid not,” explained the president. “That’s what we would call a great loss.” The room goes silent. Trump searches the room. “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy? “ Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, “If Air Force One, carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens; that would be a tragedy.” “Fantastic!” exclaimed Mr. Trump. “That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?” “Well’, said little Johnny, “because it sure as hell wouldn’t be a great loss and probably wouldn’t be an accident either.”
If I got a nickel for every time I had sex
My pimp would beat my ass
I never really like to follow the crowd.
Which is why I'm useless at protests.
What do you call a bird that only shows up to work when it wants to?
A millenial falcon
I love jokes about the eyes
The cornea the better
BREAKING: Trump signs an Executive Order renaming the San Andreas Fault
to Barack Obama’s Fault
I met a guy from Australia who works in IT.
I said, "Do you come from a LAN down under?"
What’s 6.9?
A great thing ruined by a period
Prove us wrong, Sen. Kelly Loeffler, wife of the chairman of the New York Stock Exchange
https://ift.tt/3fCrkjN
Dad was told he only had 6 months to live. He said he wanted his ex wife to come live with him
Because It would be the longest 6 months of his life.
I saw this odd guy walking towards the cemetery with a shovel…
I had grave concerns
Rest in peace, boiling water.
You will be mist.
How many syllables does the word gloria have?
Christians: 18
I bought 10 asparagus at the store but when I got home I realized I had 11…
It was just a spare, I guess…
I ordered a thesaurus from Amazon but when it was delivered all the pages were blank.
I have no words to describe how angry I am.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again,
I've said it before.
“I swear, I’m kicking you out of the house if you don’t stop singing Christmas music.”
But, baby, it’s cold outside!