Dogs can look up though
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went after it set.
finally it dawned on me.
While he was out, my husband text me ‘I think I’ll run through the car wash on my way home.’
I replied: 'Probably better to drive the car through.'
Don’t buy anything with Velcro
It’s a total rip-off
How can you tell a chemist from a plumber without seeing them?
Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
I thought my son was spending too much time playing computer games. I stopped him and said, “Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.” He considered that for a moment before replying…
"Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."
r/jokes Has 18 Million subscribers!
It's amazing what 7 jokes can do
What do you do when your mind isn’t exactly working like clockwork?
Change your gears.
People say that dad jokes aren’t very clever.
But then I look back on the post that I have saved from a year ago that says otherwise.
When does a car stop being a car?
When it turns into a driveway.
Bigly missing someone who sounds like they have more than a third grade education.
https://ift.tt/2wDJ50J
An Irishman’s first drink with his son
I was watching that American TV show "Modern Family" and it got me thinking about the time I took my son out for his first drink. We went down the street to the local pub, only a couple of blocks away. I got him a Guinness Stout. He didn't like it, so I drank it. I ordered him a Smithwick's. He hated it, so I drank it. I bought him a Murphy's, he spit it out, so I drank it. I tried him with that bland American beer Coors, he barely took a sip and pushed it away, so I drank it. I figured maybe he would like Irish Whiskey instead, so I got him a shot of Jameson 18 year. He choked on it, so yeah, I drank that too. I had him try Redbreast 12 year, the year's Irish Whiskey Awards top whiskey. He turned away, wouldn't even smell it. What else could I do – I drank it! When I finally realized he just doesn't like alcohol, I was so shit-faced I could barely push his stroller home!
Two plus sized woman walk into a bar
At the bar sits a drunken Irish man. As the two women approach, the Irish man sees them and exclaims: "Ah, two fine lassies from Ireland!" Defiantly, one responds "It's Wales!" The man corrects himself, "Ah, two fine whales from Ireland!"
If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears it
My illegal logging business is a success
Did you know Darth Vader had to pay for his suit?
It cost him an arm and a leg.
What did the police officer say to his belly button?
You’re under a vest!
How do they make scissors at the factory?
With cutting edge technology.
My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo.
So I had to put my foot down.
If a Tesla got stolen…
Would it then be called an Edison?
Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine. It’s a beautiful day and love is in the air, so Marie leans over to Pierre and says, “Pierre, kiss me!”
So, Pierre grabs a bottle of red wine and splashes it on Marie`s lips. “What are you doing, Pierre?” shrieks Marie. “Well, my name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I have red meat I like to have red wine!” His answer is good enough for Marie and things begin to heat up. So she says, “Pierre, kiss me lower.” Pierre rips off her blouse, grabs a bottle of white wine and starts pouring it all over her tits. “Pierre, what are you doing?” “My name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I have white meat I like to have white wine!” They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans over once more and softly whispers into his ear, “Pierre, kiss me lower.” Pierre tears off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and sprinkles it all over her bush. He grabs a match and lights it on fire. Patting the flames out furiously, Marie screams, “PIERRE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!?” “My name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames!”
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
What sound does a bouncing plane make?
Boeing-Boeing-Boeing
Ace your next code interview and flex on your coworkers with this one simple trick!
https://ift.tt/32RuVTD
What do you call a good swimming pun?
A stroke of genius
The sex position formerly known as 69 is now called 96.
Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has gone up.
I like my women like I like my whiskey.
12 years old and mixed up with coke. Disclaimer: This is just a joke. I do not condone the practice of mixing whiskey with coke.
Stephen King has a son named Joe.
I'm not joking, but he is.
I just found out my friend has a secret life as a priest.
It's his altar ego.
Why can’t Severus Snape be a herbology teacher?
He can’t keep the lilies alive.
Yesterday I spotted an albino dalmatian.
It was the least I could do for the guy.
As a new language, Braille is not that difficult to learn.
You just have to have a feel for it.
Experiment about music perception (5 to 10 minutes)
We’re currently looking for volunteers to take part in our online experiment about music perception. The experiment takes approximately 10 minutes and only works on your computer. Accsessing the link below, you will:Listen to a few musical sounds;Respond to a few questions on your computer;Receive an immediate feedback on your performance.Link: https://ift.tt/2pQ3c84 Feel free to contact me after you take the test, so I can explain our ideas and hypothesis behind it. Please, do not give away the experiment on the comments section below, otherwise it will spoil the fun for those who haven’t done it yet. 😀
Everyone criticizes Apple Maps, but I enjoyed using it for my road trip from New York to Florida.
There's a lot to do in Chicago.
A man with no arms and legs was sun baking on the beach.
A gorgeous blonde was walking past him, stopped for a second with a tang of pity in her eyes. “Have you ever had a hug?” She asked. “No.” So with an “aww”, she gave him a big hug. Two minutes later, another beautiful woman was walking past the man. “Aw look at you honey. Have you ever been kissed?” “No.” He says. She leans down and gives him a passionate kiss. Another few minutes pass and another stunning lady walks past. “Oh you poor thing…Have you ever been fucked?” “No.” “Well you will be soon, the tides coming in.”
I really hope this whole COVID-19 thing gets cleared up before tick season
Because then we’d have corona with Lyme
Facebook is set to release its own webmail client…
…emails will be flagged as "Mark has read"
