Dogs like doorbells
The guy who invented knock-knock jokes…
…should get a NO – BELL prize.
Daughter: “Daddy, why didn’t I get a sunburn?”
Dad: “You can’t, honey?” Daughter: “Really?” Dad: “You can only get a daughterburn.”
My wife just left me for an Indian man.
I'm sure he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.
Why couldn’t Peter Pan ever be a comedian?
Because his jokes Neverland 😀
Little Timmy walked in on his parents having sex.
“Timmy! Close your eyes and leave!” Timmy’s mom yelled. “But… what were you doing?” Timmy asks. “Well, your father has big beer belly, so I was jumping up and down on him to flatten him out!” The mother responds, nervous. “Well, there’s no use in that.” “Well, why not?” “Because when you’re out shopping, the lady next door comes in and blows him back up!”
I used to hate facial hair
But then it grew on me
A platypus walks into a bar owned by a duck.
He finishes his drink and asks for the check. Duck billed Platypus.
I’m so patriotic, I piss red white and blue.
My doctor told me it was pancreatic cancer. I told him to shut his commie mouth.
Finally the answer for why people are panic buying toilet paper
Every time on person sneezes, 10 people around them shit themselves.
What’s the difference between a constipated owl & a blind sniper?
One hoots but can’t shit, and one shoots but can’t hit
I always carry a pebble with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in October.
I call it my jingle bell rock.
What two things can you never eat for Breakfast?
Lunch and Dinner (not an original, but I thought it was funny :p)
People hate the police so much these days…
…that even Sting has stopped performing "Every Breath You Take."
Four surgeons are discussing about who they like to operate on.
The first one says “I like to operate on librarians. When you open them up, everything is sorted alphabetically” The second one says “I like operating on accountants. When you open them up, everything is numbered and organized” The third one says “I like operating on electricians. When you open them up, everything is color coded” The fourth one says “Guys come on, operating on politicians is the best and clearly the easiest” The other three are looking at each other in disbelief. One of them asks why. So the surgeon says “They are heartless, gutless, spineless and heads and asses are interchangeable!”
By legalizing Cannabis and same-sex marriage we finally interpreted the Bible correctly:
"A man who lays with another man should be stoned." [Leviticus 20:13 esv]
A man goes on a business trip to Japan
In Japan, he picks up a hooker and they go all night long. The entire time they were making love she was excitedly shouting: Hasimota! Hasimota! Since the man obviously didn't know a word of Japanese, he concluded it was some sort of an excitement noise. The next morning he meets with a few japanese businessmen on a golf course. One of the businessmen makes a shot and, surprisingly, scores a hole in one. Everyone applauds and the foreign man, wanting to sound clever, shouts: Hasimota! The man who scored the shot turns to him and asks in confusion: "What do you mean 'Wrong hole!'?"
A pirate goes to the doctor and say, “I have moles on me back aaarrrghh.”
The doctor: "It's ok, they're benign." Pirate: "Count again, I think there be ten!"
Is “buttcheeks” one word?
Or should I spread them apart
My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe it.
But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.
My girlfriend is a pornstar
She is going to be very pissed when she finds out.
What did Santa say when he caught an elf stealing toys?
don't be elfish!
Why did the duck die?
It overdosed on quack.
I adopted a goat for my son called Roxanne.
"I wish you'd called me something else," he often says.
I Googled “how to start a wildfire”.
I got 48,500 matches.
What did the tie say to the hat?
I’ll hang around here and you go on a-head
A wife asks her husband, “Honey, if I died, would you remarry?”
“After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship.” “If I died and you remarried,” the wife asks, “would she live in this house?” “We’ve spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I’m not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would.” “If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house,” the wife asks, “would she sleep in our bed?” “Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It’s going to last along time, so I guess she would.” “If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?” “Oh, no,” the husband replies. "She's left-handed!" Edit: punchline is not is bold anymore
“Dad. Are we pyromaniacs?”
"Yes, we arson."
Three men go to heaven
At the gate into heaven St. Peter tells them, they can have everything they want as long as they do not step on a dark cloud. After that, they enter and have an amazing time. But after a week the first comes up to the others with his leg in a bear trap. The others ask him: "What happend?" "I stepped on a dark cloud" – he replies. After another week the second man comes up to the others in a wheel chair and blind on one eye. "Yeah, before you guys ask. Yes, I stepped on a dark cloud." After another week the third man comes up with a hot, astonishing and absolute breathtaking woman by his side. The others, obviously confused, ask him: "Hey, what happened to you? Please explain." "Stepped on a dark cloud" – she replies.
Gordon Ramsey just had his 5th kid..
At least he likes at least one thing raw.
Did you hear about these new reversible jackets?
I’m excited to see how they turn out!
We were walking past a lingerie store, and my wife said, “I want to try on the bra in the front window.”
I said, “I think you might have to use the dressing room like everyone else.”
Bill Clinton and the Pope die on the same day, and due to some administrative foul up, Clinton gets sent to heaven and the Pope gets sent to hell.
The Pope explains the situation to the hell administration, they check their paperwork, and the error is acknowledged. They explain, however, that it will take about 24 hours to make the switch. The next day, the Pope is called in and the hell administration bids him farewell and he heads for heaven. On the way up, he meets Clinton on the way down, and they stop to chat. Pope: Sorry about the mix up. Clinton: No problem. Pope: Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven. Clinton: Why's that? Pope: All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary. Clinton: You're a day late.
*slaps knee*
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