Doing a 4000 piece world map puzzle during lockdown. A few months ago I would have had to Google where this was.
High grades
The son comes to his father: "Dad, I got a 7.5 on my test" "Congratulations son! In which test?" "Breathalyzer. And they kept your car…"
When I found out my toaster wasn’t waterproof…
I was shocked
Why was the restaurant so slow?
The servers were down.
Why are books so expensive?
Because they're paper view.
I told my dad I just met someone with one eye named john.
My dad…what was his other eye called?
My wife likes to say marrying me was like winning the lottery…
I like to remind her that most lottery winners blow their winnings.
An old man is walking in Amsterdam and passes a hooker standing at her door. She says to him: “Hey Granddad, why don’t we give it a try?”
He says: "No thank you. That is no longer possible for me." It was a slow night, so the hooker says: "Oh, come on, what have we got to lose; let's give it a try." So, they both go inside and he acts like the young man he used to be. "Oh my goodness," says the hooker breathlessly afterward, "I thought you said sex was no longer possible for you." Says the old man: "Oh, my body is still highly capable; it's the paying that is no longer possible."
The salesman asked me , “so which mattress do you want?”.
I said , “it’s a big decision, I need to sleep on it”.
I recently failed my Medical College entrance exam because of nerves.
The correct answer was blood vessels.
I was enjoying a sandwich on a cliff, but it fell from my hands.
I thought to myself… “This sub has gone downhill”.
I have a fear of two letter words
I get scared just thinking about it!
Why don’t blind people go skydiving?
It scares the hell out of the dog.
An employee was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and important document here and my Secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?" “Certainly,” said the employee. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper and pressed the start button. “Excellent, excellent!” said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. “I just need one copy.”
What happens when potatoes smoke marijuana?
They get baked.
How do you make a water bed more bouncy?
Add spring water.
Doctor: I’m terribly sorry, but it seems your kidneys are failing.
Me: I can't believe this is happening. Wife (sobbing): How will we tell our son? Me: … I'll tell him. [Later at home, sitting down with son] Me: Bad news kid, your knees are failing.
NSFW What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
One is a Goodyear, one is a great year.
My coworker went to HR and filed a complaint against me after I praised her butt.
Say what you want, harassment something to me.
What do you get when you mix 50% human DNA with 50% goat DNA?
Kicked out of the petting zoo.
Name calling does not a president make. He has the mentality of a spoiled child.
https://ift.tt/38EQkmd
Murphy calls to see his mate, Paddy, who is bedridden with a broken leg.
Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?" "No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunningly beautiful 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds. "Hello there girls, your dad sent me up here to fuck ya both." "Fuck off you liar!" "I'll prove it," Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?" "Of course, what's the use of fucking one?"
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are standing, watching a street performer do some juggling.
The performer notices they have a rather poor view, so stands on a large box, asking 'Can you see me better now?' They reply: 'Yes' 'Oui' 'Si' 'Ja'
There was a joke about fishing I was going to tell you…
Oh no, I forgot the line!
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
What’s with these stingy ducks
They can’t get rid of their bills
My dad always told me that I am special, that I am the 1%…
Later in my life, I learned that condoms only work 99% of the time.
Sex is like a poorly explained joke.
I don't get it.
What do you call a deaf man…
Whatever you want, he can’t hear you.
Correct this sentence: A man runs by a campsite
It’s “A man ran by a campsite” because it’s past tents
I got a bar installed into my roof.
Just so whenever I have guests I can say "drinks are on the house".
Did you hear about the ATM that got addicted to money?
It suffered from withdrawals.
Dyslexic jokes about trees are O. A. K.
No text found
“Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?” “Rhino!”
"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn."
A guy goes to a Halloween party with a beautiful girl on his back….
The host asks him, "And what are you?" The guy says, " I'm a snail." The host says "And who's that on your back?" "That's Michelle!"…
My wife asked if she could have some peace and quiet while she tried to cook dinner
So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm