Doing my homework the teacher sent us this comic strip
I have a fetish for the final paragraph of an essay.
I just came to that conclusion.
Why do cows wear bells around their necks?
Because their horns don’t work!
I loaned $200 to my girlfriend 5 years ago. She returned exactly $200 after we separated.
I lost interest in that relationship
I want to hear 99 people sing ‘Africa’ by Toto.
It's something that a hundred men or more could never do…
What sneakers to pedophiles wear?
White Vans
my wife asked me why i type everything in lower case.
i said i stopped giving a shift.
9/11 jokes aren’t funny
The other 2/11 are quite good though!
I´ve just downloaded the Queen movie, Bohemian Rhapsody!
I think it was filmed in a cinema though, as I see a little silhouetto of a man.
Did you hear about the 3 holes in the ground?
Well, well, well…
Joke my 6 year old son made up.
What is the best type of pan to cook fish in? A CAST iron pan. Get it? Because you have to cast for fish. I thought it was super cute!
How much do dead batteries cost?
Nothing, they’re free of charge.
How do you know the moon is going broke?
It's down to its last quarter.
I took a bath with bubbles
No text found
A little girl opens the door to find a priest with a collection tin.
“What can I do for you, Father?” “I’m collecting for the orphanage.” “Just a moment,” says the little girl, closing the door. The priest waits patiently, then suddenly hears first one gunshot, then another. The little girl returns to the door and says: “OK, you can take me now.”
Did you hear about the chameleon that couldn’t change colors?
It had a reptile dysfunction.
If you get in a fight at the circus…
You should go for the juggler.
I slept with a blind woman the other night. It went pretty well, mostly.
Once the clothes came off she said to me "You have the biggest dick I have ever laid my hands on" I said, "Stop pulling my leg."
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?
But most have 4
I’ve been torturing my 12yo son with dad jokes for the last month or so…he came in first thing this morning and laid this one on me…
Where do sunburned dinosaurs go for help? The Allosaurus. He earned a high-five for that one.
Did anyone else’s parents teach them to swim by throwing them in the lake? I think the swimming was the easy part.
Getting out of that burlap sack was tricky, though.
If two vegans get in a fight,
is it still considered a beef?
When a dad drives past a graveyard: Did you know that’s a popular cemetery?
Yep, people are just dying to get in there!
Some people are so ignorant about anatomy.
Just today I had to explain to someone that there is a vas deferens between a testicle and a penis.
Why are teddy bears never hungry?
Because they’re always stuffed.
Set your WiFi password to 2444666668888888
So when someone asks, tell them it's 12345678
My girlfriend threatened to leave me if I didn’t stop pointing out random exits and entrances.
I said: "There's the door."
What’s Jesus’s favourite hobby
Cross fit
Do you have a vagina?
A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady 'Do you have a vagina?'. She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman 'Do you have a vagina'. She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice 'Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again'. The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it'. She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. Do you have vagina'….. .. 'Yes' she says…… The man replies Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours'?
A guy tries to walk into a bar
The bouncer says "No tie, no admittance". The guy goes back to his car, looks for a tie but only finds jumper cables. He arranges them around his neck like a tie and heads back in. The bouncer gives him an appraising glance, and says "OK; I'll let you in. But don't start anything!" Edit: this joke is a tribute to u/rogersimon10. What a legend he was.
I really hope coronavirus can’t spread through sex
It would be so lonely being the last man on Earth.
My daughter FINALLY got an ‘A’ on her essay!!
Only 1,999 more words to go!!