Dollars for some
When geese make a V in the sky, why is one side always longer than the other?
There are more geese on that side
My therapist told me to write letters about people I hate and burn them.
I did that but now I don’t know what to do with the letters
What do an English teacher and a Coder have in common?
They're both pro-grammars
I got mugged by six dwarves last night.
Not happy.
Did you hear about the semicolon that broke the law?
He was given two consecutive sentences
I’ve been trying for ages to buy a supermarket conveyor belt divider…
…but the cashier always keeps putting it back!
What kind of grades did Tommy Wiseau get in school?
Oh, high marks
How south is South Africa?
South AF
Why does Batman only wear dark colors? Easy. Batman doesn’t want to get shot. Why does Robin only wear bright colors?
Easy. Batman doesn't want to get shot.
Why are ants immune to COVID-19?
They have anty-bodies
I bought a dog off a blacksmith today….
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
What’s the difference between a fish, guitar, and a pot of glue?
“You can tune a guitar but you can’t tune a fish” “What about the pot of glue” “I knew you’d get stuck on that”
Stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and he said…
Once upon a time there was this lobster…
Genie: you have three wishes
me: make math go away Genie: ok, that one's on the house me: yay, so I still get three wishes? Genie: huh?
My girlfriend started lying to me because of all my bad jokes.
We have always been such a happy couple and everything was fine for 3 years straight. Of course I always felt comfortable in front of her and felt like I can tell her anything. That's where I was wrong. A few months ago I noticed that she became annoyed by my dumb jokes that were only funny to me, but that just made it even funnier to me so I continued telling all these dad jokes to her and died laughing every time. She puts up with it because she loves me. At least I thought so. We were always 100% honest with each other and I'm still shaken by the things she told me today. I sent her probably one of my worst dad jokes ever (that I stole from reddit), and she just couldn't take it anymore and told me how stupid my jokes are and that she doesn't know if she'll be able to put up with it much longer. But that's not the worst part, I actually appreciated her honesty and considered the possibility to stop with all the stupid jokes and become more serious in the relationship. The worst part is that she lied to me for the first time in all these years. I felt like I just couldn't trust her anymore and everything I thought I knew about her as a person just became questionable. I need your advice on how to react to this huge lie… She told me she's Sorry, but I know for a FACT that her name is Diane.
My dad decided to name his new truck “Stormtrooper”…
That way he doesn't hit anything
Three men in a boat with three cigarettes but no matches, how do they smoke?
They throw one cigarette overboard and make the boat a cigarette lighter. (heard in the Adam West Batman series)
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I tripped over my wife’s bra….
…It seemed to be a booby trap.
Why haven’t aliens visited our solar system yet?
They looked at the reviews… Only 1 star.
That awkward moment when you tell a chemistry joke, and get no reaction.
I guess all the good chemistry puns argon.
What’s a flat tire’s favorite vegetable?
A spare, I guess
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $285…
That's why, in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
I hate insomnia, it’s a horrible condition
I'm losing sleep over it. On the plus side, it's only 3 more sleeps until Christmas
By your excuses combined, I have zero responsibility! Total authority is mine!
https://ift.tt/2VKNxUV
My girlfriend is turning 32 soon…
I've told her not to get her hopes up. "After all," I say, "we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute." When she asked what in the world I was talking about, I pointed out, "This is your thirty-second birthday." For the life of me, I can't figure why doesn't think this is hilarious. I keep making sure to remind her of it every time we are around new people. Hopefully if she hears the joke enough she will start to appreciate it.
I angered two people today by calling them hipsters…
Apparently, the correct term is conjoined twins…
I’m so upset! Someone stole my limbo stick!
I mean how low can you go
A young kid is walking home from school when a car pulls up alongside him…
The driver says "get in the car". The kid says "No way!" and keeps walking. The driver says "Get in the car and I'll give you a candy bar!" The kid says "No way. A candy bar won't do it." The driver says "Get in the car and I'll give you a candy bar and twenty bucks!" The kid says "Look Dad, you bought the Volvo, YOU deal with it."
What else could he say??
A young couple decided to take their 5 year old son to see the circus. After several amazing acts, the ringmaster led six bull elephants into the center ring, linked trunk to tail in the usual manner. "What's that big thing hanging off the elephant, Mommy?" Little Johnny asked. "That's his trunk, honey," Mom replied. "No, that other thing," Johnny insisted. "Oh, you must be looking at his tail," Mom offered. "No, Mommy, that big thing underneath him, by his belly," Johnny said. Realizing her son was asking about the elephant's penis, Mom got embarassed. "Oh, that's nothing, sweetie. Daddy went to get some popcorn. When he comes back, he can tell you all about the elephants." Soon, Dad came back with popcorn, and Mom went to use the restroom. Johnny took the opportunity to question his father. "What's that big thing hanging off the elephant, Daddy?" "That's his trunk, son," Dad said. "No, Daddy, not his trunk, and not his tail. I mean that big thing underneath, by his belly," Johnny repeated. "Oh, that," Dad said. "That's his penis, Johnny." "Huh," mused the five year old. "Mommy said that was nothing." "Son," sighed Dad, "I've spoiled that woman."
How do you make holy water?
Boil the heck out of it.
In other news: Turtle grandpa can’t stop mitching about the consequences of his own actions
https://ift.tt/37V8bVV