Donald Jr. proves that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree
Light travels faster than sound.
This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
My wife and i decided we don’t want to have children!
We will be telling them tonight.
I got an email saying “At Google Earth, we can even read maps backward.”
And I thought, “that’s just spam”.
Realizing you just fucked up 5 hours of work on a PCR with one pipetting error
https://ift.tt/2Q6v69U
What is the sheeps favorite movie?
Baaaaaack to the future
I added Paul Walker as a friend on X-box…
But he spends all his time on his dashboard
10-years old girl asks her mum: “Mummy, how was i born?”
The mother smiles a replies: "Once upon a time, me and your daddy had a wonderful time so we decided to plant a little seed. Daddy put it in the earth and I took very good care of it every single day. After a while the seed started to grow more and more leaves and in a few months, the seed turned into a beautiful and healthy plant. So we took the plant, dried it, smoked it and then we got so high that we fucked without a condom."
How many lightning bugs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, but I have no idea how they got in there.
I’d tell you a joke about a roof…
But it would be over your head.
I thought I could score higher if I stuck to textbooks, I’ll know soon if I was wrong
https://ift.tt/2TPHZqL
I’ve been diagnosed with a terrible disease that makes me tell an abundance of airport jokes…
The doctor says it’s terminal
RTX 2080 Ti Owner’s reaction to the reveal of Nvidia RTX 3070 (Featuring Ron Burgundy)!
https://youtu.be/RTrGBKY-1_o
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza
Should’ve cooked it on aloha temperature
Hi everyone 24(F) here
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
Knock, knock
shouting thru door “Just leave it outside, Thank you!” (2020 update)
There was a kidnapping at school
Don't worry, he woke up
Bad Hitler puns are inführeriating.
No text found
I dig, You dig, We dig, He dig, She dig, They dig.
It's not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Why is it rude to fart in church?
Because of everyone else that has to sit in your pew.
I named my horse “Mayo”
Sometimes Mayo neighs.
Why some of us might drink…..
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. " Hello ?" Is your daddy home?" he asked " Yes ," whispered the small voice. May I talk with him?" The child whispered, " No ." Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" " Yes ." "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, " No ." Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?" " Yes ," whispered the child, " a policeman ". Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" " No, he's busy ", whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" " Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ," came the whispered answer. Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?" " A helicopter " answered the whispering voice. "What ! is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered, " The search team just landed a helicopter ." Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?" Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle… " ME!."
If my name was Travis, I would get a tee shirt and put my name across the chest.
It would be a travesty.
Tell the Punchline first.
How do you ruin a joke?
A blind prostitute told me I had the biggest dick she had ever felt
I told her she was just pulling my leg.
I got scammed into buying fake bamboo
That day, I was bamboozled.
Our solar system sucks.
1 star.
What does a robot do at the end of a one-night stand?
He nuts and bolts!
My grandpa used to tell this one all the time….How do you make Holy Water?
You boil the hell out of it.
I have a pen that can write underwater.
It can write other words too.