Donald Trump dies and goes to hell
In 50 years, he comes to the devil and says: "I know I'm going to spend an eternity here. I would like to ask you for a favor. I miss my country, I miss the United States. Can I go back to Washington DC for 15 minutes? I will go to the nearest bar, drink some beer and have a little chat with the bartender. Then I will return to stay here forever."
The devil says "Okay, but I will change your body for the time you are there. Nobody would know or believe you are actually Donald Trump".
"That's even better!" says the president. And the next moment POOF! He appears next to a bar. He walks in, orders a mug of beer and starts talking to the bartender:
"I have been in a coma for quite a long time. I don't know what's going on in the world. How is our country doing?"
"Can't be better!" says the bartender happily. "We are the mightiest nation in the world, we no longer have ANY external threats! All political issues have been resolved! Every country is either our loyal ally or is completely controlled by our government!"
"Wait a second" – Trump can't believe his ears – "What about Syria, Iraq, Afghanistan?"
-Everything is ours now! We have conquered them!
-Then what about Ukraine?
-It's also controlled by our government now!
-I can't believe this! What about Mexico? China? Turkey?
The bartender takes a globe from under the desk, spins it around and says proudly: "The whole world belongs to us. I mean it! Every single country!"
Donald Trump is completely shocked. He says in amazement:
"I am speechless. I didn't ever think it was possible by any means. Thank you very much. Anyways, I got to go now. How much for the beer?"
"350₽, comrade!"
Having gay parents must be horrible
I mean you either get twice the usual amount of dad jokes or get stuck into infinite loop of “go ask your mom”.
I finally got someone to be my valentine!
I wish I could post this in any other sub.
Here’s some advice for all men
If you get a boner in public, point up at the sky and shout "OH FUCK LOOK OVER THERE!" It's all about the missed erection
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent. When does the punchline become apparent? After the delivery.
A bakery owner hired a young female shop assistant
A bakery owner hired a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says. The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf. The man, standing almost directly beneath her, was provided with an excellent view, just as he had thought he would get. When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves. As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread. After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?" Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below. Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd. Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?" "No," stammers the old man, "but it's quivering a little."
How can you tell your dad joke is a dad joke?
It’s fully groan.
A platypus walks into a bar owned by a duck.
He finishes his drink and asks for the check. Duck billed Platypus.
An Italian, a Frenchman and an Aussie were talking about screams of passion
The Italian said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non stop for five minutes." The Frenchman said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special aphrodisiac oil from Provence and then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes straight." The Aussie said: That's nothing! Last night I massaged my wife, ya'know, all over her body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, and then made love and I made her scream for two long hours." The Italian and Frenchman, are astonished, and asked?, "Two full hours?….. Wow! that's unbelievable. How did you do it to make her scream for two hours?" The Aussie replied, "I wiped my hands on the curtains."
A good percentage of my friends are Nazis.
That percentage is zero. That's a good percentage of Nazi friends to have.
“Wanna know something?” asked my girlfriend.
I said, "What is it?" She said, "I saw you sitting in the park. You were reading your autobiography to your ex." "Hmm," I replied. "Really?" She said, "How do you explain yourself?" I said, "Well, if I read it to you perhaps you'll find out."
My daughter said she literally can’t even…
… so that’s odd.
Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar
Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to the other and said, "That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm a gonna go over there and help." He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big, Texan hands, and asked, "Kin ya swaller?" Gasping, she shook her head no. He asked, "Kin ya breathe?" Still gasping, she again shook her head no. With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own. The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, "Ya know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick manoeuvre always works."
NBC is developing a new realistic docudrama about Abraham Lincoln.
The finale will be shot before a live audience.
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
What do chess and eating at a restaurant in Australia have in common?
They both end with a check mate
I once fell in love with a girl that only knew 4 vowels
Unfortunately she didn't know I existed.
Leather armor is the best for sneaking
Its literally made of hide.
I’ve made a website for depressed tennis players…
The servers are currently down…
teacher: what are 2, 4, 6, 8, 10…?
steven: even numbers stephen: ephen numbers
Son: “Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
“Yes, we arson.”
Why does Waldo wear stripes
Because he doesn't want to be spotted
I adopted a goat for my son called Roxanne.
"I wish you'd called me something else," he often says.
I got the words, “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused…
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia…
A guy with a gun enters a bar.
"Who the fuck had sex with my wife? he snarled angrily A voice was hears in the background, "You don't have enough bullets mate!"
Trump would gladly sacrifice thousands of innocent Americans for economic gain.
https://ift.tt/2xNZYGr
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent.
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: “5 lamb chops, please.”
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, then the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog. The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!" The owner responds, "Genius, my ass……… It's the second time this week he's forgotten his keys!
“Push harder” I shouted at my wife while she was in labor…
"Push harder" I shouted at my wife while she was in labor. "Screw you" she screamed back at me. Bit harsh I thought…… it wasn't my fault the car broke down on the way to the hospital!
