Donald Trump is exiting the White House and heading into his limo…
…when someone pulls out a gun and aims it at him.
A newbie secret service agent, spotting it first yells:"MICKEY MOUSE!".
The would be assassin stops in confusion, giving the other agents time to pin down and arrest him.
When the press reports were over, the newbies supervisor asks him:"Im confused, why did you shout Mickey Mouse?"
"I freaked out" he answers."I meant to shout DONALD DUCK!"
I used to think I was indecisive…
But now I’m not so sure.
Another ‘What am I?’
You can look me in the eyes, You will always see twelve. It'll drive you insane because back to front and upside down I look the same!
My daughter says she now identifies as a small group of words that have a collective meaning
Should I be worried, or is it just a phrase?
I’ve gone bald, but kept my comb…
I just can’t part with it
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman
Customer: "cargo space?" Me: " no, car no fly, car go roads" Manager: " can I see you in my office?"
The other day I bought a thesaurus, but when I got home and opened it, all the pages were blank
I have no words to describe how angry I am
My late father once said
Sorry I’m late.
A man and his wife are at a restaurant…
The wife leaves for the bathroom and a short while later the waiter arrives. 'what would you like sir?' he asks. 'I'll have the steak, but my wife is using the restroom at the minute', the man replies. 'oh, well, do you know what she's having?' The man replies, 'well it's been about 10 minutes so I'd say a shit'
I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor the first day I was hired.
Deep down, I realized it wasn’t for me.
I told the doctor at the ER that I could do my own stitch work.
He replied “Okay, suture self”
I hired the most obese personal assistant I could find.
She’s a really big help.
Ancient Aliens doesn’t know what a stingrays is
An elderly priest dies and goes to heaven.
He soon finds himself in a line of souls going to St. Peter to enter heaven. In no time at all there's only one person in tront of him. St Peter tells the man "ah yes, state your name and occupation" The man replies " Will Snikket, taxi driver in New York City" St Peter looks at his list for a moment and says "yes, take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the kingdom of the Lord" The priest is next, St Peter asks him " your name and occupation" "Father Samuel, minister of the church of God", the priest eagerly replies. After perusing his list for a moment St Peter looks at the preist and says " very well, take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the kingdom of the Lord" At hearing this the priest is indignant, " what, but I've been faithfully serving the lord all my life, why did that taxi driver get such amazing treatment compared to me". St Peter stares silently at the priest. Finally he replies, " my child, up here we work by results. While you preached people slept, but while he drove, people prayed".
How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Oh, it's a really obscure number. You've probably never heard of it.
Wife AND wifi bad
My mom turned 45 last week. So during an argument, I would tell her
"Well, you're half right."
Did you hear about the photographer who got lost in the woods?
He died of exposure.
History is cyclical
Don’t spell part backwards
It's a trap
When Stars Die…….
An interesting title
“If sci-fi movies were realistic”
A teacher says to her class one day, “Whoever answers my next question, can go home.”
A boy throws his bag out the window. The teacher asks, “Who just threw that?” The boy says, “Me! I’m going home now.”
Junior and Senior prefer teens that stay quiet
what the fuck
I’m running for the United States- … you know, you know the thing!
Another low effort meme
When I enter My 2nd Nested For Loop
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates…
The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over. The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top, which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."
It was little bit hard to translate. Sorry for the mistakes
I don’t know if this qualifies but I laughed when I first saw it and now it makes me sad…
Boyfriend asks Girlfriend
B: "If I die, will you find a new boyfriend?" G: "NOOO! I'll never be with another guy, I'll rather go and stay with my sister! What would you do if I die?" B: "I would also stay with your sister"
This guy is the leader of all flat-earthers
GTFO Lincoln, this is my home now
Just leaving this here
Everybody knows Dave!
Everybody knows Dave Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?" "No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!" Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says. "President Obama," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else. "Pope Francis," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw… you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'
If you get into a pillow fight with death…
Be prepared for the reaper cushions.
The 4th Branch
Latency? Never heard of it
Forward from my aunt
It ain’t much but it’s honest work
b B B B B B!!!!!
I’m too tired to give this an interesting title…
I went to the doctor and he said i was going deaf.
It's been 3 weeks and I have not heard from him since.
How do you call a pesron, that doesn’t read words right?
You. You read ''Person'' wrong.
I bought a new deodorant yesterday. The instructions said “Remove cap and push up bottom”
It hurt like hell, but my farts smell great.
She just flew off
A Nazi walks into a bar…
A Nazi walks into a bar, looks around, and notices an older orthodox Jewish man seated at a nearby table. Barman, he says, "A round on me, for all your patrons, but not for the old Jewish geezer right there." As everyone in the bar receives their drinks, he looks directly at the Jew with a nasty little smile. Surprisingly the Jew nods his head and sends a warm smile back. The Nazi is somewhat miffed, as this was not the reaction he expected. So he goes back to the bar "Barman, a second round for everyone but him, and this time take it all from the top shelf" Nazi looks again at the Jew, and notices that he is STILL smiling back, and even warmer than before "Is that Jew a complete fool or what?" he asks the barman Bartender responds: "Oh no my generous friend, that gentleman is my boss and the owner of the bar"
To encourage students to stand up to bullies
Sent to me from my girlfriend’s stepdad
Those darn women, always ruining our good time
Just the worst
the latest meme i have..
Heed The Call Up
My code be like when I want to delete a seemingly useless line
toilet humor funny joke meme haha
Can u relate
Last night at dinner I thought I saw my father starting to gag.
Turns out it was just another dad choke.