Donald Trump wants this picture removed from the internet. DON’T SHARE IT!
What do you get when you melt the wizard of oz?
The wizard of fl.oz.
My idiot neighbor knocked on my door at 3AM… who does that??
Luckily I happened to be up practicing my trumpet
Did you hear about the all-janitor baseball team?
They swept the finals
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
4 Norse god, 1 Roman god, and 2 astronomical bodies walk into a bar
The bartender says " Oh, this is a gonna be a week joke"
Three conspiracy theorists walk in to a bar…
You can’t tell me that’s just a coincidence
What’s the difference between a filthy Greyhound terminal and a lobster with breast implants?
One is a crusty bus station, and one is a busty crustacean.
Oh Grandpa
An out-of-breath 7 year-old girl ran up to her grandfather, who was tinkering in his workshop, and confronted him with the universally dreaded (by adults) question, “What is sex…?” He was surprised she’d ask such a question at her age, but thought if she’s old enough to ask, she’s old enough to get a straight answer. He wouldn’t shirk his responsibility. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to describe for her all the variations of human sexuality he could conjure, careful to impress upon her the joys and responsibilities of intercourse and procreation. When finally Grandpa was done pontificating, the little girl stood frozen, as though nailed to the spot, and looked at him with her mouth open, eyes wide in amazement. Seeing she was overwhelmed, he asked what caused her sudden curiosity. His granddaughter shook off her reverie and replied, “Grandma says dinner will be ready in a couple of secs.”
What’s the difference between a politician and a serial killer?
The serial killer might listen if you plead with them
What’s a horny pirate’s worst nightmare?
A sunken chest with no booty!
I just bought a border collie.
The one I already had wasn't bored enough.
I refused to believe my son got fired as a road worker for theft.
But when I got home, all the signs were there
I asked my dad how can i satisfy a girl with a small dick.
He told me to give her a handjob.
The urge to sing the lion sleeps to night is just
A whim away a whim away a whim away
Chubby Karen unable to pray Covid-19 away. Unfortunately, Lots of them to go.
https://ift.tt/39SbQEm
If you rearrange the letters of MAILMEN
you get them VERY ANGRY
Today I bought some shoes from a drug dealer…
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been trippin all day.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They’ll just shoot the room for being black
I would like to make chemistry jokes on this subreddit
But all the good ones Argon
”Will you marry me?” Is a marriage proposal.
”Will, You, Mary, Me” is a foursome proposal.
I went to the shop and bought a thesaurus but when I got home, when I opened it, all the pages were blank.
I had no words to describe how angry I was.
A priest, a nun, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.
The rabbit says, "I think I'm a Type-O"
Son: “Dad, I fell in love and want to date this girl”
Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister." The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later: Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!" Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister." This went on a few more times, and finally the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying. Son: "Mom, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can't date any of them because dad is their father!" The mother hugs him affectionately and says, "You can date whoever you want. He isn't your father!"
I go to the doctor and he asks for a stool sample.
I pull out a small chair from my bag. The doctor yells at me for wasting his time and kicks me out of his office. I go home still not knowing why I'm shitting furniture. My nightmare continues.
How does a Jewish person make tea?
Hebrews it
[NSFW] I got a sweater for my birthday.
I wanted a squirter. Or a screamer. Or even a moaner. But no. A sweater.
At last…….I have managed to find my wife’s ‘G’ spot….
….who would have thought her sister had it the whole time
Student 1: My name is Tom Archer because my ancestors were making bows and arrows.
Student 2: My name is Sam Baker because my forefathers were bakers. Student 3: My name is John Dickinson, and I hate this game.
What do you call someone afraid of Santa?
Clausterphobic
What’s the best way to cook an alligator?
In a croc pot.
A man is eating soup at a restaurant when he drops his spoon.
It was a particularly busy day, so the man thinks "Great, by the time I get another spoon, my soup will be cold." Nevertheless, he flags down his waiter and tells him that he dropped his spoon. The waiter says "Here ya go" and produces a spoon from his vest pocket. "Wow, that was convenient" the man says. He looks around and notices all the waiters have spoons in thier pockets. "Why do you all have spoons on hand like that?" The waiter replied "We had an efficiency expert come in last week, and after a study, he deduced that the most dropped utensil was a spoon. So the manager insisted we all carry spoons to promote efficiency and customer service". The man continued to eat his meal when he just happened to notice a piece of string protruding from a waiter's fly. He looked around and noticed that all the waiters had one. He called his waiter back over and asked about it. The waiter told him "Ohhh, that's another thing put in place by the efficiency expert. He figured out that the most wasted time was washing our hands after using the bathroom. So we all have a piece of string tied around our penises. When we take a leak, we just unzip, pull the string and go. Since we dont touch it, there is no need to wash our hands." The man thinks on this and says, "Makes sense, but how do you get it back in without touching it?" The waiter leans in and whispers, " I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."
A train ploughs into the side of a catholic girls school bus.
A train ploughs into the side of a Catholic girls school bus, killing them all. At the gates of heaven, st Peter asks the girls "have any of you ever touched a penis?" The first girl, Paula, shyly says "I once touched the head of a penis with the tip of my finger." St Peter says "Okay, dip your finger into the holy water, and you may pass through the gate." The second girl, Kelly, says "I once fondled with one…" st Peter replies "alright, dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass through the gate." All of a sudden there is a commotion amongst the group and one of the girls pushes her way to the front. St Peter says "Jennifer! what's the rush?" The girl replies "if I'm going to have to gargle that water I want to do it before Tammy sticks her ass in it!"
I have many jokes about unemployed people.
Sadly, none of them work.
