Donald’s been holding a grudge since that eagle nearly pecked his eyes out.
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They will never allow change, even if it makes the world a brighter place.
Every time I get a new girlfriend, I measure how far she can open her legs
I keep all the results on a spreadsheet
Do you know why the U.S. Navy always keeps at least two canaries on board each of their submarines?
Because everyone knows that if you have a big sub you also need a good set of tweeters.
Did you know that you can’t run through a campground?
You can only ran through a campground, because it's past tents.
My wife said I was being immature.
I told her to get out of my fort.
Finland have just closed their borders….
Which means no one can cross the finish line.
What happens when frogs park illegally?
They get toad.
There is a guy stealing Iphones around town
He is probably going to face time
My therapist told me that I have trouble interpreting social cues.
I think sheβs in love with me.
Weβve all been here
Weβve all been here
“You the bomb.” “No, you the bomb.”
A compliment in America. An argument in the Middle East.
The canoe store has a big sale last week.
It was quite the oar deal.
My favourite laws
βͺ1. Thermodynamics – energy cannot be created or destroyedβ¬ βͺ2. Murphyβs – anything that can go wrong willβ¬ βͺ3. Coleβs – thinly sliced cabbageβ¬
The coronavirus is a lot like a kinky sex life:
I don't mind having it, but I'm scared my parents have it too.
A pirate walked into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants.
The bar tender asked, "do you know there's a steering wheel in your pants?" And the pirate said, "arrr it's driving me nuts!"
I believe that it is time for all the world’s countries to come together and create one universal currency
I mean it's just common cents
My wife went to get a pedicure with her mother. She sent me a text saying that they have an exfoliating, foot scrub that has CBD/Hemp oil in it and she was going to try it out…I replied βbaby, do you realize that you left the house with slippers on…
But you are coming back with high heelsβ. Her mom sent me a text asking me what I said that made my wife throw her phone in to her lap and groan aloud. Mission accomplished haha
My son just asked me, “Can we pick my friend up?”
Me: I dunno. How heavy is she? Son: In a car dad This happened only moments ago. You can't just softball 'em in like that, son.
A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED! MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME, AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON. On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair. The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you … you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!" She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!" Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!" She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
I walked in the lounge to find my wife breastfeeding our son.
βHow long do you have to do that for?β I asked. βWhen is he too old for it?β βWell, itβs a physical bond between a mother and her child isnβt it? Itβs only the society that deems it unacceptable above a certain age.β βYeah, shut up Joe β I was talking to your mother.β
A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist, Linda, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.
Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist. So one of the ladies approached Linda very discreetly about the problem, and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on her nipples and over her breasts. This should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up, and you wonβt be able to talk properly for a while. The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it. The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said, βDew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewdayβ
What do you call a priest thatβs also a lawyer?
A father in law
How do you tell dad jokes?
Personally I like to do it at dinner time so he spits out his food.
I went to the eye doctor.
Eye doctor: Your results aren't good. Me: Can I see them? Eye doctor: Probably not.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
I know it's hard to believe, but I saw it with my own two eyes.
I would tell a time travel joke,
but you didn't like it.
My twin preschool boys were playing with foam letters in the bathtub.
One happened to put the letter T into a toy stacking cup I was holding. I tried to give it to him but he didn't want it. So I turned to my other son and said, "Hmm, guess it's not his cup of T". Neither 3yo got it so I had to tell someone.
Today is my 25 birthday. I’m quarantined but it’s still nice to hang with the boys
https://ift.tt/2ZuP1VJ
Can you make a sentence containing the words defense, defeat and detail?
When a horse jumps over defense, defeat goes before detail
My wife volunteers as a school crossing guard.
I tell everyone sheβs into human trafficking.