Donating a kidney makes you somebody’s hero.
Donating 5 makes you a suspect
About 1,375 olives are pressed in order to make 1 liter of olive oil, 8,435 sunflower seeds to make a liter of sunflower oil…
Don't even get me started on baby oil
“Hey officer, how did the hackers escape?”
"No idea, they just ransomware."
My wife said I had no sense of direction…
So I packed my bag and right
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?” The guy says, “No, what?” “He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender. “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.” He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he’s in the bar again and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did now?”, he asks. “Now what?”, responds the patron. “Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!” says the barkeeper. “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!”
I only knock up antivaxxers.
Because 8 years of child support is better than 18.
A college professor asks all of his students to brainstorm and yell out different kinds of stereotypes.
"All blonde girls are dumb!" yells a boy in the back. "Sony!" yells the blonde girl in the front.
“To be and not to be”
—Schrödinger's Hamlet
This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!” My eyes lit up and I thought, “This is my lucky day!”
Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table! Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove. More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?" She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."
I don’t like how shopping centres are so similar..
You see one, you've seen a mall.
I went for a job interview today and the manager said, “We’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well, I’m your man.” I replied, “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”
I heard my son say his first words to me today…
where have you been for the last 20 years?
2 tampons are walking past each other, which one says “hi”, first.
Neither, they're both stuck up cunts.
A woman is deciding between three suitors which one to be with. She says to the three men, “we are still young and inexperienced, go out there and travel around the world, we’ll see when you come back.”
So the first guy goes to Europe and tours the different countries there. The second guy goes to Europe, then Asia, then Africa, then Australia and basically goes everywhere. The third guy doesn't go anywhere. 6 months later they all meet up and the first guy says, "I went to all the countries in Europe and have become more cultured after visiting all their historic sites. The second guy says, "I went to Europe and became more cultured, Asia and learned martial arts, Africa and fed starving children and Australia and fought a stingray, and survived. It cost me $400k but it was well worth it and is only a drop in the bucket to me." The third guy who didn't go anywhere walks around the woman once, stops in front of her and takes hold of the woman's hands, "I've just traveled around the whole world, because you are my whole world." Upon hearing this, the woman became emotional and with tears of happiness running down her face , she says, "That is by far the sweetest thing I've ever heard in my entire life. “ After this man spoke such sweet words. She was finally ready to make her the obvious choice… She then choice the second guy, the one with the most money.
A patient went to the Doctor and asked him to check his leg
"Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!" The doctor cautiously places his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Give me $10! I'm desperate! I need $10!" "I've never seen or heard anything like this before! How long has this been going on?" the doctor asked. "That's nothing, Doc. Put your ear to my knee." The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say, "Please! I really need $5! Just $5! Please! I'm desperate!" "Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this." The doctor was truly dumbfounded. "Wait, Doc, that's not all of it. There's more. Just put your ear down on my ankle," the man urged him. The doctor did as the man said and was amazed to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need $20! Please lend me $20, please! I am really desperate!" "I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said. "There's nothing about it in any of my books," he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books. "However… I can make a well-educated guess. Based on life and all my previous experiences, I can tell you with some certainty, that your leg seems to be broke in three places."
Crying should give you better skin.
Because when you cry, you moist your eyes.
My dad was bragging about his new hearing aid. “State of the Art,” he said, “It cost me a fortune.”
I said, “Awesome. What type is it?” He said, “ Two thirty.”
The CEO of Valve walks into a bar with two of his associates…
The bartender asks “What can I get for you?” The CEO responds “We’ll have one drink and two drinks please.” The bartender replies “So three drinks?” “What the hell is three?”
A man spending his first night in prison hears other inmates calling out numbers, followed by laughter.
The next day he starts talking to one of the inmates and asks about it. The inmate explains that after a few years there was no new jokes so they decided to just number all the good ones, that way they could save time in telling the joke. That night the inmates are calling out numbers again followed by great bouts of laughter. Wanting to fit in the man calls out '22'. Everything goes quiet and the man doesn't understand why. The next day he asks his new friend what went wrong, "was 22 not a funny joke?" "22 is one of the best jokes" came the reply. "Why did no one laugh then?" Said the man "It was the way you told it."
If I had 50 cents for every time I failed a math test,
I'd have $7.20 right now.
The bravest (long joke)
Three generals and an admiral, one from each branch of the service, are standing around arguing which of their respective branch has the bravest members. "Army is the bravest and I can prove it," says the first general. He looks around and spots a private. "Soldier, get over here!" The young private runs over, goes to attention and throws a crisp salute. "Soldier, I want you to go climb that water tower and jump off." The private sees the water tower and without hesitation runs over to the ladder, scales up, jumps off, and dies on impact. "Now that is bravery." The Navy admiral chuckles and says, " you think that is bravery? Here watch this." He looks around and sees a young seaman. "Seaman, over here!" The young seaman rushes over, goes to attention, and throws a sharp salute. "Seaman, I want you to go over to that water tower and swan dive off." Without a second thought the young man runs over, climbs to the top, and performs a graceful swan dive off off the tower landing head first, dying on impact. "Now that is bravery. " The Marine general, not to be outdone by the Navy, just sneers out, "you boys ain't seen a thing yet." He spots a young corporal and shout out, "hey maggot, over here on the double!" The young Marine barrels over, pops to attention, and throws a perfect salute. "Alright you worthless pile of crap time to finally make something of yourself. I want you to climb up that water tower, do exactly three flips mid-air and land head first into the ground. You better die on impact as well or so help me I will reach into whatever afterlife you believe in, rip you out, and throw you off that tower myself!" Without batting an eye the Marine sprints over to the water tower, climbs up, does exactly three flips, and lands head first dying on impact. "Now that is bravery." The Air Force general just shakes his head and says, "I got this in the bag." He sees a young airman and calls him over. The young man gives a quizzical look and motions to himself to make sure, eventually walking over to the general. He makes a lazy attempt at attention and briefly throws a salute. "Airman, I want you to go over to that water tower and jump off." The airman raises his brow, looks up at the tower, and then down at the pile of dead service members. "Pfft, screw you … sir," he replies and walks off. The Air Force general turns to the other officers and remarks, "Now THAT is bravery!"
What’s the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language
A man and his wife are in bed, the man is really horny and wants to have sex, but the woman just wants to read her book, so she refuses.
the man, frustrated, jumps out of bed and goes down to the basement, and when he returns to bed, he's holding a sheep. The man says "this is the pig i cheat on you with when you're busy" . the women looks at him and says "honey, that's a sheep in your hands". The man turns to her and says " I wasn't talking to you".
What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
What do you call a dad joke when it gets old?
A grandpa joke
I was addicted to soap
But now I'm clean
What did the grape say when it got crushed?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
I have the eye of a tiger, the heart of a lion…
… and a lifetime ban from the New York Zoo.
| don’t understand why some people use fractions instead of decimals.
It's pointless. But, anyway. You gotta draw the line somewhere, or else people will think you're being irrational. But that is beside the point.
“Dad, can you explain to me what entropy means?”
“Sure. Let me tell you, it isn’t what it used to be.”