Donnie, you’re out of your element.
I asked the hairdresser to cut my hair like Elvis.
Stupid bastard started dancing around the shop.
A new Navy recruit has his first day on a submarine…
He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post. "Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope." The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by. "Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes." The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again. "Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters." The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes. "Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!" The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."
If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had…
Does money even matter?
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump.
I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
I’ve been accused of stealing other people’s jokes
This post says otherwise
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer
I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
I hope Death is a woman.
That way it will never come for me.
I once accidentally mixed up the words “Jacuzzi” and “Yakuza”.
I am now in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
“Judge, I want to contest 60% of my parking tickets!”
Judge: Repeat infractions? Man: Fine. I want to contest 3/5 of my parking tickets!
7 year old got me today
Did you know gibberish spelled backwards is gibberish? No, it's hsirebbig. Exactly my point!
What do you call a blind dinosaur
A doyouthinkhesaurus
Within minutes, the detective knew exactly what the murder weapon was…
It was a brief case…
When I was 18 I wanted to kill myself…
But I'm a procrastinator, so I picked up smoking.
My wife just told me she was pregnant…
True story. I used this as an opportunity to tell my first Dad joke: "Hello, Pregnant. My name is Dad." Dumb, but I don't care. I'm on top of the f'ing world right now and nothing can take me down.
People who wear glasses must be excited for next year
It's the first time they'll see 2020
I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday
I guess I wasn’t putting in enough shifts
After hearing me sing for the first time, my music teacher told me I should be tenor.
Ten or twelve feet away from all musical instruments at all times.
What do you call a sketchy Italian neighborhood?
The spaghetto
When I was young, I used to think earwigs actually lived in your ears
so you can imagine how terrified I was of cockroaches.
Today, I saw a squirrel poop for the first time in my life.
That shit was nuts!
Today I had someone knock on my door asking for small donations towards the local swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water
My girlfriend is fed up of my constant wordplay jokes, so I asked her, “How can I stop my addiction?”
"Whatever means necessary," she replied. "No it doesn't." I said.
Why do you never see hippos hiding in trees?
Because they're very good at it.
Where do Muslim llamas come from?
Alpacastan! …I'm not sorry.
My ex-wife still misses me.
But her aim is steadily improving.
While most puns make me feel numb…
…Math puns make me feel number.
They told me I wouldn’t be any good at poetry because I was dyslexic
But so far I've made 3 jugs and a vase and they're lovely
I sexually identify as Michael Jackson
My preferred pronouns are He/Hee
I started carrying a knife on me after an attempted mugging three years ago.
since then, my mugging attempts have been much more successful.
How To Date During A Corona Virus Lock Down And Quarantine & Best Date Ideas To Do When Everything Is Shut Down.
https://youtu.be/r_yF1FNcH4Q
A lady was in labor with our first child when suddenly she began to shout, “Shouldn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t, didn’t, can’t!”
The doctor said to the husband, "don't get too alarmed… She's just having contractions."
“I always try to go the extra mile for my customers.”
Said the city's most hated cab driver.
What do you call a Chinese Disease?
Kung Flu.
Why do less marriages take place in winter
Because most of the brides get cold feet.
What is coding called on Tatooine?
Jabbascript
Einstein finally developed a theory about space…
It was about time too! badoom chaaaa
Why was the fool left hanging?
No text found
Why did the tofu cross the road?
To prove it was just as good as chicken!
I knew an autistic baker who could make a loaf of bread in any shape.
He had special kneads.