Donnie, you’re out of your element.
What do you call a nun that sleepwalks?
A roamin' catholic.
My sister asked for me to bring her something hard to write on
I don't know why she became so mad. It's pretty fucking hard to write on sand.
“Un, deux, trois, quatre”, radioed the French ship…
…before it cinq. "Eins, zwei, drei", radioed the German ship vierlessly, but then silence. "Uno, dos", radioed the Spanish ship, and then disappeared without a tres. "One," radioed the British ship before it went two. "Won," radioed the American sub.
My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience.
The second time let me down.
Which country has the fastest growing capital?
Ireland. It's Dublin every year.
My wife was upset with me last night for kicking ice cubes under the appliances instead of picking them up…
…but this morning it’s just water under the fridge
What do you do with an English prostitute
You give her a pound, then you give her a pound
Our whole family is really worried about my grandfather’s Viagra addiction.
Grandma is taking it particularly hard.
Everyone knows masturbation is a touchy subject.
But oral sex? That's just a matter of taste.
I’m getting second thoughts about whether accepting this job was a good idea.
https://ift.tt/35ZRhV2
I was at a restaurant with my wife when a waitress suddenly screamed, “Does anyone know CPR??”
I shouted, "Even better, I know the whole alphabet!" Everyone laughed… Well, everyone except this one guy.
I was not ready.
(Walmart, son, stranger interaction.) Son: hi, I got a haircut. Stranger: looks like you got more than just one. Son: (silence) Me: bent over losing it
I have a scary joke about math…
…but I am 22 to say it
Can’t wait to see Liam Neeson’s new film
Taken: Out Of Context.
One day after sex, my girl told me she used to be a Christian.
Me: "It doesn't worry me at all, babe." Her: "Awesome! I really so much prefer being a Christine."
I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me 😁
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To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner.
They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.
Nurse: I’m going to deliver the baby
Me: Actually, we'd like him to keep his liver
Why can’t you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick. Source: my actual Dad.
Why does Karl Marx write in lowercase?
He hates capitalism
The funniest part of any pizza joke…
…is the delivery.
What do you call a bulletproof Irish man?
Rick O’Shay
I tried calling the tinnitus hotline but there was no answer.
It just kept ringing.
A friend of mine said…
…that he had made the world’s flattest, blandest dough. To that I responded, “Prove it then!”
One man’s trash is another man’s treasure.
Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out you were adopted.
Me: This is my horse, Mayo.
Friend: why did you call him that, he’s not even a white horse? Mayo: [neighs]
When a woman is giving birth….
She is literally kidding.
An old wealthy jew is dying and decides to dictate his will
He bequeaths his vast fortune to his two sons. However, the sensible and hard-working Moshe only gets one tavern, while the dissolute drunkard Yasha gets everything else. The rabbi, who came to visit the dying man, tries to instruct him to the path of wisdom: "It's none of my business, of course… It's your money and your sons… But Yasha will drink away all your fortune in six months!!!" "Correct. But where would he drink it away if there is only one tavern in town?"
Poor old man…
“Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?” The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”
Being a scarecrow is a tough job…
but hay… It’s in my jeans.
Up next: How to sound good in a band. Stay Tuned!!
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What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller.
No one is afraid of llama kisses, so why is everyone so worried about…
…the alpaca lips?
I just went to an emotional wedding.
Even the cake was in tiers.
Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?
No Son, have you seen my dadglasses?
I Broke My Finger Last Week…
On the other hand, I’m okay.