Don’t be like billy
What’s the fastest liquid on Earth?
Milk. It's pasteurized before you see it.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye matey! Courtesy of a 7 year old in my class.
It used to be that when people would tell me to go to Hell, I’d say “I don’t believe in Hell.”
But then I got married.
You could say I’m B.R.O.K.E.
B – Bad R – At O – Acronyms K – E –
Went to the restroom in a restaurant and saw a sign that said “Employees must wash hands”
I waited as long as I could but nobody came, so I just washed them myself.
A buddy once asked me if I’ve ever stuck it in her
…you know, "other hole". I said that's dumb because she might get pregnant.
Why did Episodes 4, 5 and 6 come out before 1, 2 and 3?
In charge of scheduling Yoda was.
If Satan ever loses his hair…
…there will be hell toupee.
Two different doctors worked together on my knee surgery
It was a joint operation
What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to get the picture of Jesus up and hanging
A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, “Where is Jesus today?”
Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven." Mary answers, "He's in my heart." Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!" The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this. "Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"
Some last names originate from what the family did in the past…
Makes you wonder about the Dickinsons…
“Father, why is my name ‘Rose’?
"Because just after you were born, a rose petal landed on your head when we were leaving the hospital." "Is that also why my sister's name is 'Daisy'?" "Yes it is." "eherrnnanenhahenrnanehh" "Quiet, Brick"
We should have known the Soviet Union would collapse.
There were a lot of red flags.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight Professor X: that's not going to help us Me: yes I see that now
Why does a moon rock taste better than an Earth rock?
Because a moon rock is a little meteor
During this outbreak, we must follow all directions from the Police
So don't stand so close to me
Two old men are sitting on the deck of a cruise ship. The first one asks, “Have you read Marx?”
The other one replies, “Yes. I believe that comes from sitting on these wicker chairs.”
My local library refuses to stock how-to books about suicide.
They used to, but the decent ones were never returned.
Joker to Batman: “Hey Batman, wanna hear a joke?”
"Yeah sure." Joker: "Ok, parental love". Batman: "I don't get it.." "exactly."
What’s a decent Asian stereo type?
Sony and Yamaha are my favorite.
If you need a job you should apply at Search and Rescue..
They're always looking for people.
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work.
Algebra was the easiest subject to learn in Ancient Rome.
Because x was always 10.
A gay couple, Jeremiah and Timothy, was feeling hot n bothered on a plane and so decided to join the mile high club…
"What if we had sex?" asks Jeremiah. "Are you crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it…" "Nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!" Jeremiah stands up and asks loudly: "Could I have a napkin, please?" Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc. Flight attendants pretend to not hear them, as they also don't give a damn. "They really wouldn't care then, would they?" says Timothy. So Jeremiah and Timothy have wild sex on the plane. Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth. "Sir, you should've asked for a bag!" "I didn't dare" whispers the old man. "A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a napkin and he got fucked in the ass.
What do blind people do when they get sick?
No, seriously. It's not like they can go see a doctor
2 Smoking Grandmas & 1 Condom
Jane & Arlene are outside the nursing home, having a smoke. A storm blows in and starts sprinkling. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end and puts it over her cigarette and continues smoking. Arlene: What the hell is that? Jane: It's a condom. This way my cigarette don't get wet. Arlene: Where'd you get that at? Jane: You can get them at the pharmacy down the road! The next day, Arlene hobbles her way into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her strangely (as she is over 80 years of age) but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand condom she prefers. Arlene exclaims, "Don't matter honey, as long as it fits on a Camel!" *pharmacist faints*
[NSFW] Why did the eunuch’s wife leave him?
Honestly, he couldn't give a fuck.
NV, SC, and Super Tuesday Primary Voters: Show us proof you voted yesterday, and we’ll give you a cool flair! :)
Continuation of this thread, which focuses on the NH Primary.We are planning on expanding the flair program to primary voters in all 50 states. If you have any ideas for perks or extras we can throw in, please let us know via modmail. Right now, only voters from states who’s primaries have either occurred or will occur soon can request flairs.Iowa caucus goers are also encouraged to use the same form to submit their late request. Later states will be given the chance to submit their requests once their primaries or caucuses have occurred.NV, SC, and Super Tuesday Primary Voters: CLICK HERE TO GET YOUR FLAIR IF YOU VOTED!Simply provide evidence of your participation (any ‘I Voted’ sticker or other supplemental documents are allowed), and we’ll add a user flair similar to my account to your account.Special Discord Channel AccessVerified voters will also get special access to our exclusive Voter Only Discord channel. To gain access to this, include your Discord account ID in your above submission, and we’ll add you to this channel.Have a good day!
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set, so I threw the bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
Can we take a serious moment to raise awareness about the North Atlantic Garbage Patch?
Not enough people really talk about England very much
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Ceasar walk into a bar.
He came, he saw, he conquered.
My grandfather was gravely ill and his doctor suggested coating his body with Crisco.
He went downhill really fast after that.
