Don‘t be like Trumpet!
What time of the year do most squirrels die?
No nut November
The doctor looked at my test results and said, “Sir, you’ve got a very rare disease.” I said, “How rare?”
He said, “You pick the name.”
Wife was breastfeeding..
Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in Me: yeah he is really milking it
I have to pay for a bus ticket?
I guess it's only fare
What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
If we don't get some support, people are going to think we're nuts!
My wife is a body builder
She's pregnant
When the person who invented the USB drive dies…
They’ll lower the coffin into the grave, realize they put it in the wrong way and have to do it again.
I don’t trust French food
It always gives me the crêpes
I broke one of my fingers at work today.
On the other hand, everything is OK.
What do you call a knight with no foreskin?
Sir-cumcised
Because your side projects are just an excuse to make a new framework, right?
https://ift.tt/2Xz0fqE
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started.”
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then .." He sighed ….. "Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box……."
Three vampires walk into a bar.
The first vampire says to the bartender, “I’ll have a pint of blood.” The second one says “I’ll have a pint of blood also.” The third vampire says to the bartender, “I’ll have a pint of plasma.” The bartender says, “So, that will be two bloods and a blood lite?”
I asked my boss, “Can I have a week off around Christmas?” He growled, “It’s May!”
I countered, “Sorry. May I have a week off around Christmas!?”
How does the kid tell you that their grandparents called?
60s kids: Grandma called. 70s kids: Gramps called. 80s kids: Granny called. 90s kids: Grandmother called. Kids now: Boomerang.
I tried to tell some of my vaccinated friends a joke about measles.
But they just didn't get it.
What do you call a kid who is born in a whorehouse?
A brothel sprout (I’ll let myself out)
Jon Cooper, Chairman of the Democratic Coalition, getting Donnie together on Twitter.
https://ift.tt/2O8FFsJ
Keep the earth clean
It’s not Uranus
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma.
6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby. Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you. Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise Woman: Well it isn't so bad, and what did he call the boy? Doctor: Denephew.
I buy my guns from a guy called T-Rex
He's a small arms dealer
I just watched a program about beavers….
..It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
Wanna hear a dirty joke?
A white horse fell in the mud
A police officer pulls over an elderly couple
He walks up to the driver's side window and asks the husband for his license and registration. The wife, hard of hearing, asks "what?! What did he say to you?" The husband replies "he wants my license!" The officer asks him if he knew how fast he was going. The wife yells "what?! What did he say to you?" The husband yells back "he says I was speeding!" As the officer looks at the license he notices they're from Ohio "you know, I used to live in Ohio. Worst place ever. I was seeing this woman there, and it was just miserable. She would never shut up, couldn't cook worth shit, constantly belittled me, and the sex was just awful." The old lady once again yells "what?! What did he say to you?" The husband yells back "he said you two used to date!"
A priest and a rabbi go to a remote lake for a swim.
All of a sudden, two buses pull up. Out of one pours the rabbi’s congregation and out of the other pours the priest’s congregation. Their clothes are on the other side of the lake so they don't have time to retrieve them, they just have to make a run for it. The priest, running with his hands covering his genitals, looks over at the rabbi and sees him running with his hands over his face. He says, "Rabbi! What are you doing!" The rabbi says, "In my community, they recognise me by my face."
A picture went to jail today,
I think it was framed.
Here are two reasons why no one should drink toilet water.
Number 1. Number 2.
A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop…
to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem – how to carry his entire purchases home. While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, ‘Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?’ The farmer said, ‘Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can’t carry this lot.’ The old lady suggested, ‘Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?’ ‘Why thank you very much,’ he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says ‘Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.. ‘ The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, ‘I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?’ The farmer said, ‘Holy smokes lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?’ The old lady replied, ‘Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.
A dyslexic man walked into a bra
No text found
What fruit likes to go down slides?
Ki-Wheeee
I told this girl I was talking to that I like to race cars, she asked me if I win often
I said no, the cars are much faster
How can ya tell a girl in Alabama is still a virgin ?
She can out run her brother.
I lost my mood ring…
I'm not sure how I feel about that at the moment.
What odd number is no longer odd when you remove a letter?
Seven. If you you remove the S it becomes even. Heard from my nine year old three minutes ago. I’ve never been more proud.
A man went into a toy store and ripped the arms off of every teddy bear in the store. Why did the judge let him go free?
He had the right to bear arms.
What do you call an elephant who doesn’t matter?
An irrelephant
I like the guy who wrote “What Is Love”
He really Haddaway with words.
The idea of 6 naked ladies sounds great
Dozen tit