Don’t be sad, iron. You did asbestos you can.
Because you can't see in the dark
Mom: staring at dad⠀ ⠀ Dad: clenches fist ⠀ Mom: “….don’t” ⠀ Dad: sweats profusely ⠀ Mom: “stop it” ⠀ Dad: HI GAY, I’M DAD
but then it dawned on me.
You need to let that mango.
Because he felt empty inside
It runs in your jeans.
Some scientists claim it might become a pundemic.
Let her RIP.
that motherfucker ain’t afraid to die.
She says “Stay here, I have to do laundry really quickly.” Out of nowhere, her sexy sister comes in and sits by me. She asks “Do you want to have sex before she gets back?” I got up and went straight to my car. My girlfriend was outside the door and hugged me, and said “I knew I could trust you.” Moral of the story: always leave your condoms in the car.
So an honest lawyer, a hard working politician and Santa are walking and they find a 100€ note on the ground. Who is going to pick it up? Santa because the first two don't exist.
It was framed!
Shop owner: Sure. Where is it? Man: I have no idea.
since then, my mugging attempts have been much more successful.
It's cutting edge technology.
I get it, you have more money than me, you don't have to show off.
I haven’t heard from him since
Because the last time they had a fat man 80,000 people died
One asks, do you smell fish?
He responded, “Aisle B, Back”
An eighty-five year old couple, married for almost sixty years, died in a car crash and went to the Pearly Gates.
They had been in good health for the last ten years, mainly as a result of the wife's interest in healthy diets and exercise. St. Peter welcomed them into Heaven and took them to their small palace in heaven- complete with a large bedroom, Jacuzzi, full kitchen, and billiards table. "How much will this cost us?" asked the husband. "Nothing," St. Peter responded. "This is Heaven- everything is free!" Next, he took them to the Championship golf course just minutes away from their mansion. They would have golfing privileges whenever they wanted, an angel as a caddy on command, and the course even changed daily to represent the most elite courses on Earth. "This is… stupendous," the wife asked. "What are the green fees?" Again, St. Peter said "Nothing. This is Heaven- everything is taken care of." Next, he took them to the equivalence of a five-star restaurant next to the course. Wagu beef, prime rib, lobster, veal, salmon, rare vegetables and spices- all one could eat. "How much-" "Again, free," St. Peter responded to the wife. "This is Heaven." The husband paused. "Well… this is all nice, but… do you have any low cholesterol, low-fat options…?" St. Peter chuckled. "In Heaven, you don't have to worry about Earthly problems. You will never get fat and you will never get sick." Suddenly, the husband grew angry, and screamed toward the sky. St. Peter and the man's wife tried calming him down, but he kept getting angrier. "What's the matter???" the wife asked. "Why aren't you happy here???" The man responded, "This is all YOUR fault!!! If it weren't for your fucking 'bran muffins' and 'paleo chicken' recipes, we would have been here 10 years ago!!!"
The bartender asks, "what'll it be, Mr. President?"
Edit: four children Second edit: 2 children!
The heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up
Husband : [peeing on jellyfish] This is for stinging my wife
Remains to be seen!
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water.