Don’t be salty about it
I named my horse Mayo,
and sometimes Mayo neighs.
What concert cost only 45 cents?
50 cent ft. Nickelback
We were driving past a cemetery.
My dad said in a dead serious quiet voice "I know something you don't know about this place. The people living in this town aren't allowed to be buried here." And I was really confused, so I asked why. He said "because they are still alive."
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him, A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
The invention of the shovel wasn’t good
it was groundbreaking
Hey kids! I put that Waze app in charge of my music playlist.
It keeps telling me to take the Backstreet Boys!
How do you spot a blind man on a nude beach?
It’s not hard
TIL: If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
How does Harry Potter get down a hill?
Walking JK, Rolling
Why is it so difficult to remodel x-rated theaters?
All the walls are load-bearing.
What’s a pirate’s favourite letter?
You'd think it would be "R" or "C", but it's actually "P", because without it, he'd be irate.
Enough with the “I’ll see you next year” jokes on New Year’s!
Those jokes are a decade old now!
Bullets are quite weird…
They only do their jobs after they are fired
My boss just appointed me as his sexual consultant.
He said, “When I want your fucking advice, I’ll ask for it.”
What did the maid request when asked to make the wood furniture sparkle?
"We need more lemon pledge"
What do orcs want above anything else?
More doors.
I finally watched Doctor Who.
It was about time.
A bad workman always blames his fools…
Tools!! I meant tools!! Stupid keyboard…
A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”
Cop: You are the lawyer. Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?
I believe if we had a race around the world, it should end in Europe…
Toward the Finnish line
Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?
Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped in front of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died! Guy : Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion.. Doctor : Good! You understood the story. Next patient please..
I’m opening a new gay club called “Garage Sale”
Because one man's junk is another man's treasure!
Did you hear about the mathematician that was afraid of negative numbers?
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them
Tequila wont fix your life..
..But its definitely worth a shot.
If you build a man a fire he will be warm for a day.
If you set a man on fire he will be warm for the rest of his life.
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I’m Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City." St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it’s the minister’s turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Calvary for the last forty-three years." St Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." "Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?!" "Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
This asparagus is just…
a spear, I guess.