Don’t check your ex’s social media. Just don’t.
Don’t mess with Superman in a diner and don’t mess with a Skywalker in a hallway.
Don’t mess with Superman in a diner and don’t mess with a Skywalker in a hallway.
On Monday morning, the teacher walked to the blackboard and noticed…
someone had written the word “penis” in tiny letters. She turned around, but couldn’t find the guilty face. She quickly erased it and began her class. Tuesday, she was again greeted with “penis” on the blackboard, written in larger letters. She looked around in vain for the culprit, and then proceeded with the day’s lesson. Every morning for the rest of the week, “penis” was written on the board in larger and larger letters, and each time, the teacher furiously erased it. By Friday, she’d had enough. “That’s enough,” she sputtered. “I — I can’t believe this! Monday morning, I expect an explanation for this behavior!” On Monday morning, the teacher confidently entered the classroom and found on the board: “Don’t you know — the more you rub it, the bigger it gets?”
What part of your body is the last to die?
Your eyes, cause they dilate
I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length…
Must be some kind of milestone…
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs
They always take things literally.
When Mozart died, you could hear his music playing backwards at his grave.
He was decomposing.
Where did Noah put the bees?
In the Ark hives.
Just watched an episode of MasterChef. The contestants had to successfully infuse a lump of meat with THC or get eliminated
I guess you could say the steaks were high
When I was a kid, my parents would always say, “Excuse my French!” after a swear word…
I’ll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French…
Whats you father’s occupation?
Asked the school secretary, filling in the forms at the start of the academic year. "He's a magician," said the small boy. "How interesting! What's his favorite trick? "Sawing people in half." "Really? Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?' "Yes, one half brother and two half-sisters."
Ran into Rick Astley. He gave me his entire Pixar collection, except one of them.
He started dancing and said, "Never gonna give you 'Up'."
What happened to the frog’s car when it broke down?
It got toad.
We’ve all been here
We’ve all been here
What’s bigger than a tow truck?
A foot truck!
Sometimes my son breaks into hives.
Not sure why he hates bees so much.
I hate how politically correct the world is these days, you can’t even say black paint
You have to say Leroy, please paint that wall
its a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub and a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house
The difference is staggering
My wife got me a hideous leather jacket, but I don’t mind wearing it.
I’m easily suede.
All I got for Christmas was a pack of sticky cards.
It was difficult to deal with.
What is E.T. short for?
Cause he has little legs!
My wife just yelled at me, “You haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said”
I thought that was a pretty odd way to start a conversation
if 666 is all evil
then 25.8069758 is the root of all evil
I’m giving up masturbating for an entire month.
Sorry, bad punctuation. I'm giving up. Masturbating for an entire month.
Did you hear about the 8 that fell over?
It took them forever to get back up.
I taught a wolf how to meditate
Now it's aware wolf
Moonlighting at stand-up comedy…
…the baker was known for his rye humor…
So I woke up to a blowjob this morning
It's the last time I sleep on the train with my mouth open
Why are people with foot fetish losers?
Because they like to taste defeat.
A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.
While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the Colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was “work” and how much of it was “pleasure?” A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work. A Captain said it was 50%-50%. A Lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time. There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the Private First Class who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for his opinion? Without any hesitation, the young Private First Class responded, “Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure. The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why? "Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them.”
I’m worried I’ve become very obsessed with Wonder Woman, Black Widow and Captain Marvel lately.
I think I might be a heroine addict.
A pun is not completely matured…
…until it is full groan.
In Avatar, Aang is 112 years old
Some call him "Boomer Aang"
I went to the zoo the other day and all they had was a dog
It was a shitzu
Why does society seem to hate lazy people?
They didn't even do anything.
I told my wife that I don’t want to have children.
The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had 4 they'd be called chicken sedans.