Don’t do this to gordon…
She said, "That's a stupid name." I said, "Now you're gestating the Obvious."
She was a good woman… Terrible surgeon though
How do I bury it
But then I’m a mime, so I can’t really talk.
He got his finger caught in a wedding ring.
This time it’s the devil trying to get the priest out of the child.
It’s just heartbreaking knowing he will never finish his sentence.
I said, “We just got here. How lazy are you?”
That'll give you a reason to get up in the morning.
You will get tired. And if you run behind a car, you will get exhausted.
It was a third degree burn.
Great man, terrible geologist
That's how I contracted it.
And then they call me ugly and poor.
She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?" She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I’m your son’s teacher."
They’re just so remarkable…
i thought to myself, that's a little condescending.
How could anyone stoop so low?
I keep it scattered on beaches all over…
But I'm not worried, its just water under the fridge.
Excuse me, doctor – my husband was rushed in with violent spasms in his buttocks. Where is he please?
ICU baby, shaking that ass
Use this to roast a friend…you’re welcome
Being homeschooled was never easy for me
Son: what did the fig say to the table? Me: I don't know, what did the fig say to the table? Son, angry voice: Hey! I'm asking the questions here. You FIG-ure it out.
They couldn’t find the Androids they were looking for.
No text found
but with extra steps!
What a strange way to start a conversation
When I rubbed it a Genie popped out. Genie: You have released me from my prison, in return I shall grant you three wishes. Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way won't it? Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does. Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth. Genie: You son of a ……..
A random woman was wearing a mask and she took it off to cough, I don’t know if it’s in purpose but she almost literally coughed on me
Because people are exorcising.