Don’t forget the noise-cancelling headphones
TIL Mr. T’s grandmother was a pirate…
Her name was Mae T
What did the painter say after his vehicle was stolen?
Where’d the Van Gogh?
This Halloween I was planning to go as a band aid, but decided against it.
It’s really hard to pull off.
Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolate
They'll kill your dog
Why are librarians so fast?
Because they know how to book it.
Bob the milkman
A couple of guys are at the bar. First guy says to his buddy, "My wife just admitted to me that she's been having an affair with Bob the milkman." "What!?" says his buddy. "That fat ugly fucker I see every morning outside your house?" "That's right," says the first guy. "Jesus," says his buddy. "Why would Bob the milkman want to fuck that?"
what is the sound of an ambulance in an anime?
weebo weebo
My wife always screams during sex
But, it’s usually when I walk in
Why can’t Swiss cheese be part of a fat-free diet?
It’s made with hole milk.
Where does a lumberjack buy his axes?
At the “Chopping Maul.”
I was at the library today when a black guy came up to me and asked me where the colored printers were.
I replied, "Dude, it's 2019, you can use whatever printer you want."
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a room…
…a man enters and asks them "Can you see me?" and they respond; "Yes." "Oui." "Sí." "Ja."
So I work with a Chinese guy called Kim.
Once when we're having drinks, I asked him, "Aren't you tired of Westerners saying that all Chinese people look the same? " He replied, "Kim's at the bar getting drinks, I'm his wife. "
I called the doctor and screamed, “Quick! My pregnant wife’s going into labor, what should I do?” He said, “Calm down, is this her first child?”
I shrieked, “No! This is her husband!"
Why do Americans still think they are in “The Greatest country in the world”?
When your citizens are 37th in the world in education, you can pretty much tell them anything.
Study tip: Don’t drink water while studying
Because water decreases concentration.
I donated 1 kidney and they called me a lifesaver
I donate two kidneys, they called me a hero. But for some strange reason, when I donated three kidneys, they called the police.
Why do blind people hate skydiving?
Because it scares the shit out of their dogs.
My math teacher put that on the first page of our workbook (still love the effort)
https://ift.tt/3dLSDGV
To avoid being raped when I went to jail, I stuck a tube of toothpaste up my ass…
…for complete cavity protection…
What do you call a fake noodle?
An Impasta (First post here)
I was never good at telling dad jokes
Probably because he was never around
How can you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
The most notable difference is whether you see them later or in a while…
As I handed my Dad his 47th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said,
"You know, one would have been enough."
What do you call a midget having an orgasm?
A shortcoming
I used to be a skydiving instructor.
I dropped out.
I don’t have the best ceiling in the world
But it's up there.
Why can’t you use “Beef stew” as a password?
Because it's not stroganoff.
Last night my wife and I watched three movies back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the tv
A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Syria.
The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded. The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.” The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger & fries. The reporter ate it and said “Now, I can die.” The BBC Reporter said, "I’m a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what’s about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.” The ISIS leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and dictated some comments. The reporter then said, "Now I can die knowing I stayed true until the end.” The ISIS leader turned to the Israeli commando and said, “And now, Mr. Israeli tough guy, what is your final wish?” “Kick me in the butt ,” said the soldier. “What?" asked the leader, “Will you mock us in your last hour?” “No, I’m not kidding. I want you to kick me in the butt ,” insisted the Israeli. So the terrorist leader shoved him into the open and kicked him in the behind. The soldier went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from under his flak jacket, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he jumped to his knapsack, pulled out his carbine and sprayed the terrorists with gunfire. In a flash, all terrorists were either dead or fleeing for their lives. As the soldier was untying the reporters, they asked him, “Why didn’t you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to kick you in the butt first?” “What?” replied the Israeli, “and have you report that I was the aggressor?
When I was growing up, my dad always used to tell me, “The sky is the limit”
He was never supportive of my dreams of becoming an astronaut.
I was bored so I dug three holes in my backyard.
My wife came home and said "Well, well, well…"
Kids should not run with scissors
And lesbians should not scissor with the runs
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
because if they flew over the bay, they'd be bagels.
