Don’t forget to break your loops
I just found out my friend has a secret life as a priest.
It's his altar ego.
A guy is talking to a girl
A guy is talking to a girl : "Everytime I see your smile, I want to take you to my place" "Oh ! You think I'm pretty ?" "No, I'm a dentist."
Knock knock. Who’s there? Olive. Olive who?
Olive the other reindeer!
Gadzooks! r/ProgrammerHumor is looking for moderators (mod application thread)
https://ift.tt/2WLc4Zg
Never have sex with a wizard…
I did once and I got Hogwarts. Now they won't quidditching.
What’s the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic is when you use a feather, kinky is when you use the whole chicken.
Wife: “I made our daughter a waffle this morning.”
Me: "Well thanks for changing her back."
Life is like a box of chocolates
It doesn't last long for fat people.
A guy goes up to a woman in a bar and says…
A guy goes up to a woman in a bar and says, “I’m gonna make your nipples hard.” She says, “Oh, yeah? My husband will kick your ass.” He says, “And then I’m gonna turn you upside-down, pour beer in your pussy, and then guzzle it all down.” She says, “That’s it, I’m gonna tell my husband, and he’s gonna kick your ass real good.” She walks to her husband and says, “A guy at the counter told me he was gonna make my nipples hard.” He gets really pissed off, and starts to walk towards the bar counter. She grabs him by the arm, and says, “He also said he was gonna turn me upside-down, pour beer into my pussy, and then guzzle it all down.” Her husband turns around and sits down at his chair. She yells, “Aren't you gonna do anything?” He says, “I ain’t fucking with anybody who can drink that much beer.”
Dad: Did I make myself clear?
Son: No, we can all still see you.
Did you hear about the atheist who couldn’t use exponents?
He didn’t believe in higher powers.
A fourth grade biology teacher is asking a series of questions to her students
Eventually she asks "What part of the body can grow ten times its normal size when stimulated?" As soon as she asks that, a girl at the back of the class stands up and yells "EWW, THAT'S SO GROSS. HOW DARE YOU ASK THIS TO SMALL CHILDREN? I'M GOING TO TELL MY MOTHER ALL ABOUT THIS", then storms out of the classroom. After the class, the teacher calls the girl back in and says "Young lady, I just have three things to say to you. First, the answer to my question was the pupil; second, you have a very dirty mind for a child your age; and third, one day you're going to very, very disappointed"
You know what I hate about cliffhangers?
Find out next week on r/jokes
Hello everyone 23 (F) here.
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
I just found out I’m colorblind…
It came completely out of the purple…
I just saw a robbery at the Apple store…
I guess that makes me an iWitness!
What so you call a letter with no friends?
Post Alone
So our boss just banned overly specific nicknames.
Now our whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner
If two vegans get in a fight,
is it still considered a beef?
Why do fish always sing off key ?
You can’t tuna fish
Tarzan spent his whole life living in the jungle and had no idea what sex is.
One day Jane decided to give him a few hours of sex ed and explain it all to him with gestures like he was a child: "Tarzan, this thing hanging between your legs is your rag and this thing you see between my legs is a washing machine… What you have to do is wash your rag in my machine." The next 5 evenings Tarzan has been washing his rag uncontrollably. When the exhausted Jane finally manages to catch her breath she tells him: "Tarzan, listen to me… You can't wash your rag so often because the washing machine will break." You need to wash it every three to four days. Tarzan listens to her and for the next month he doesn't even lay a finger on the machine. One day Jane becomes anxious and asks him: "Tarzan, what's wrong? Why haven't you washed your rag in my machine for a month?" Tarzan responds happily: "Tarzan learn to wash by hand!!!"
How are one handed people so independent?
Because they do everything single-handedly.
Australians dont reproduce
They mate
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred.
Their number one answer was, “HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET IN HERE?!”
Today a girl kissed me
I wish I could post it in another subreddit
The other day I drank a new kind of tea that is made by steeping a book in hot water.
Probably won't have it again. It was just a novelty
I gave marijuana to a cow
The steaks were high, but it was worth it
Cop on Horse
Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?" "Yes," replies the little girl. "Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5. The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?" The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!" "Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!"
Why don’t they let you wear glasses in football?
Because it's a contact sport.
Why is Waldo’s shirt striped?
Can’t be spotted
Cop: do you know why i pulled you over?
Me: because the police force is a fascist institution designed to protect the wealthy Cop: there's a man in your trunk Me: yea a 𝙧𝙞𝙘𝙝 man
Proud of my six year old
My four year old fell down and hit her butt on something and started crying. My six year old calls her over so she can “take a look.” She says “Well I think you broke your butt. There’s a crack down the middle.”
A girl came up to me and said she recognised me from her vegetarian restaurant.
I was a bit confused, because I've never met herbivore.
If ‘A’ is for apple, and ‘B’ is for banana, what is ‘C’ for ?
Plastic explosives
While wandering in the desert I came across a lamp (xPost)
http://bit.ly/2WXImOS
My 3 year old is constantly asking me questions about the new fish we got
He sure axolotl questions!
When i was a young boy my mom would always tuck me in,
She really wanted a daughter.
Why does Dwayne Johnson sleep under a pile of magazines?
Because paper covers rock!
People who talk to their dogs are just plain stupid…
Saw a couple today talking to their husky. Intelligent dog, don't get me wrong, but do they seriously think he understands everything he is told? I came home and told my cat all about it, we laughed our asses off!
