Don’t forget to tip your server!
Bear with me here…
… what should I feed it?
Why can’t T-rexes clap?
Cause they’re extinct
When I was a child I had a condition where I had to eat mud three times a day in order to survive…
It’s lucky my older brother told me about it, really.
I recently bought shoes from a drug dealer..
I'm not sure what he laced them with but I was tripping all day..
Me, at the hot dog stand: Can I get a jumbo sausage?
Hot dog guy: Sure. Won’t be long. Me: Yikes. In that case, can I have two?
Why did your parents always get mad a window breaks?
Because they’re a pane to replace.
Why did the reluctant knight finally decide to join the crusade?
The king offered him a free palace stein
My idea of a professional Hide and Seek tournament failed miserably.
Good players are hard to find.
Trump & Obama are in a barber shop…
Getting fresh cuts and shaves. They’re sitting right next to each other. Everyone is on edge; nobody is saying a word. Trump’s shave finishes first and the barber asks if he wants aftershave. Trump smells it and says “No way! That stuff smells like a whorehouse! I go home smelling like that and Melania’s going to think I was up all night fucking whores bigly! It will get me in so much trouble!” Obama’s shave finishes and his barber asks Obama if he wants aftershave. Obama says, “Sure! My wife doesn’t know what a whorehouse smells like.”
Why do they spell it “honour” and “favour” in the United Kingdom?
Because Rick Astley is British.
The American military should really be worried…
Russian technology is a decade ahead of them at the moment.
I had a pet newt once, I called him Tiny
Because he was my newt
SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus. What you may not know is that Tuba is also an acronym…
For Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus.
Just found out that cockfighting is done with roosters.
That's 27 years of rigorous training, straight down the fucking drain.
What do you call baby dumps?
Dumplings.
My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.
I’m nervous she won’t be able to pull it off.
Just got offered a job as a Waiter
It's probably because I can bring a lot to the table.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose
For those who suffer from paranoia, please remember you’re not alone.
They’re always watching.
When I want to comment on an interesting thread but it got locked for some reason
When I want to comment on an interesting thread but it got locked for some reason
Why did Bilbo Baggins die with an erection?
Old hobbits die hard.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius,
But his brother Frank was a monster!
Bro, can you pass me that pamphlet?
Brochure.
Autocorrect…
Makes me say things I didn’t Nintendo.